Oh yeah, one more thing: Happy Birthday to The Rick!

Live from Wilkes-Barre, PA

Video Package: Recap of the Gold Rush Tournament announcement and subsequent matches from last week. Did I mention that Trips tapped out to Benoit? Yeah, it ruled.

Opening Segment: Triple H's Windbaggery Theater

No pyro tonight, just the melodious strains of Motorhead. I take this long of a break from doing a recap, and I'm greeted by a show-opening Triple H promo? Joy. Perhaps I should wear a helmet to protect me from the anvils that will no doubt be falling.

Jim Ross notes that Triple H is now out of the title hunt, seeing as he lost his rematch and tapped to Benoit last week. Then why is he still the focus of the show? Sigh. Trips is greeted with "You Tapped Out!" chants, and he takes a cue from Flair and gets in the faces of the fans in the front row. He finally takes the mic and the first thing out of his mouth is, "The match last week doesn't matter!" See? Earning a title shot means nothing around here. Trips deserves the title shot because he is Trips. He plays the "I was screwed" card, and says that Eric Bischoff is afraid to give him a rematch, because he knows that Batista will be easy to control.

He goes on to say that Batista is scared of a rematch, but is quickly interrupted by Batista's music. Batista, who is normally a really sharp dresser, has for some reason decided to wear a white suit, powder blue shirt, and no tie. Is he Crockett or Tubbs?

He picks up a mic: "I wanted to come out here and face my fears, seeing as I'm so afraid of you." But what does he have to be afraid of? "I've faced you twice, and... I've beaten you twice!" He brings up the fact that Trips tapped last week (heh), letting the crowd finish that sentence, which is a nice touch. "What do you want from me? My hands are tied." He points out that Trips lost his rematch, and lost again last week in the first round of the tournament, finally hitting his punchline: "Maybe you're just not good enough to face me again." BURN. Okay, I take back what I said earlier. This promo was completely worth it for Batista to come out and verbally make Triple H his bitch.

Trips takes off his jacket and tie at this, but doesn't follow through on trying to kick Batista's ass. He thinks for a moment, and picks up his mic with a wry smile on his face. And what he says next is the mother of all "shoot comments that aren't supposed to be shoot comments," and I really hate Trips and the writers for even going there (more on that in a minute.) He says that Batista needs Trips a lot more than Trips needs Batista. Insert your own smarky joke there. He huffs and puffs that Batista still hasn't really gone through Trips, referencing the ref bump at Backlash. Insert your own smarky joke there. He says that Trips defines what Batista becomes in this business. Well yeah, especially if you refuse to convincingly put him over, Hunter.

He continues, saying that Batista can't have the attitude of "Screw you, Triple H!" because in reality, it's "Screw you [Batista]!" I'm trying not to say anything smartass here, and it's really difficult. He says that he'll go home and watch Batista fail, and eventually everyone will be begging for him to go back. His final thought? "Screw you." And with that he walks out, leaving Batista with a lame, "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out." He calls Trips a sore loser, and says that he's in denial over Batista being the champ. That might be a good comeback to any other wrestler, but we all know that Batista will continue to be booked to look weak until Trips comes back and takes the title again after the "failed" Batista Experiment. Sorry to go into Indignant Smark Mode there, but it's going to happen. Just watch.

I sincerely think that this was Triple H's way of saying, "Anyone who faces me will be booked to look like shit, and I'll have the title back within two months. That's the way it'll be until I retire, because it's good for business. Why? Because I said so. Deal with it, people." What a load of self-serving horseshit.

Later tonight: Kane v. Chris Benoit and Shawn Michaels v. Edge in the semifinals of the Gold Rush Tournament. Sweet. Last time Kane and Benoit wrestled each other, Kane had his best match in years. And the last time I saw HBK/Edge, I recapped them in a streetfight, which was awesome. Will the Power of Denim make another special appearance tonight? Stay tuned!

[ads. I refuse to address the return of the Diva Search. It's not happening. Nope. If I ignore it, it'll just go away.]

Backstage: Trips storms outside to his limo with Ric Flair chasing him down and pleading with him not to leave. Flair tries to protest, but Whiny McHissyfit ain't having any of that shit, and slams the door in the Nature Boy's face. You're better off without him, Ric!

The Contrition of the Ay-rab

Hassan and Daivari walk out to huge boos. Of note: Daivari is walking about ten paces behind Hassan with his head hung low, and is in his ring gear. In a really nice touch, he puts a hand to his face where Muhammad slapped him a week earlier. To illustrate that point, we see footage from last week while they walk to the ring.

Once there, Daivari takes the mic and addresses Hassan. The fact that he speaks perfect English seems to throw the crowd off a bit. He kisses Hassan's ass, saying that he's not worthy of being a friend, or even to breathe the same air as Hassan. He says that he ruined Hassan's undefeated streak (which is not true. The last time I recapped this show, Hassan lost to Benoit via DQ.) He gets down on one knee and begs for forgiveness, saying that to win Hassan back, he's challenging any superstar on the roster to a match. He goes crazy for a moment in Farsi, until... Jericho's music interrupts! Christ, WWE really must not have a thing for him at the moment. It is kind of nice that the challenger is someone the Ay-rabs have punked out in the past, though.

Chris Jericho v. Khosrow Daivari

Daivari attacks immediately, but get elbowed down and chopped for his troubles. Jericho tries a blind charge but eats ringpost, and Daivari capitalizes on that and starts working the shoulder. Pin attempt gets a one-count. Daivari tries an armbar; Jericho slugs his way out, but walks into an armbar takedown. Daivari goes up, but takes a shot to the gut. Jericho gets a clothesline, back-body drop, and a running enzuigiri, and goes for the Walls. Daivari fights out, but walks into the Flashback.

Jericho goes up, but Daivari stops him there and tries a hurricanrana from the top rope. Jericho blocks, however, and turns that into the Walls for a quick tapout in a really sweet counter. Barely three minutes long, if that.

Winner: Chris Jericho

After the match, Hassan swoops in like a turban-wearing bird-of-prey and attacks Jericho, locking in a camel clutch. That doesn't last long, though, because Shelton makes the save. The Ay-rabs retreat, with Daivari looking pissed off and Hassan apparently praising Allah in the background. Yeah, I don't know either, but that's what it looked like.

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Backstage: Christy Hemme, wearing the tiniest halter top known to man, is talking to Eric Bischoff. She asks if the divas are implicated in the upcoming Draft Lottery in the most stilted way possible, and Bischoff replies in the affirmative. He even hopes that Christy will be drafted to Smackdown!, after her display of disrespect last week. It's very telling that I can't even remember the incident to which Bischoff is referring, and I saw last week's RAW for the first time last night, so it should be fresh in my memory.

La Resistance takes this as their cue to show up, and Christy is shooed away like the useless eye-candy that she is (in favor of a useless tag team, no less.) They demand a title shot, but Bischoff doesn't think they deserve it. Sylvan blames their loss last week on Robert, and they get all up in each other's grills about who's to blame. Girls, girls! You're both pretty.

Bischoff interrupts this charming debate and decides to give each of the men a singles match to find out who is the better man, one in which they won't know who their opponents are until they're in the ring. Robert and Sylvan bitch at each other some more, with Robert saying, "I've been carrying your ass for the past year." Snerk.

Elsewhere Backstage: Flair is on his cell phone, leaving Trips an ass-kissing message, saying that he'll "Work everything out." And who should interrupt but Christian? I grin every time he shows up onscreen these days. He smarmily tells Flair that since he was the first person to console him after his loss last week, he wanted to return the favor. He asks how Flair is doing: "So who's gonna spit water all over themselves tonight?" Heh. He says that maybe Flair should try kissing HIS ass for a change. Say it with me, people: ha! Flair isn't happy about that, and challenges Christian to a match later that night. Christian agrees, and gives a little "Woo!", leaving Flair to show him how a "Woo!" is properly done (very loudly and an inch from your foe's face, apparently.) Are Christian and Flair the new Goldust/Booker, or what? Just fabulous.

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Back at the announce table: Jim Ross and Lawler pimp the new 24/7 service WWE is offering.

Sylvan Grenier v. Viscera

Interestingly, La Resistance go to the ring together, still waving their flags. Grenier doesn't look to happy about his opponent, but Conway gets a chuckle out of it, and decides to head back to the locker room.

Is a punch-by-punch recap even necessary? Grenier's offense consists of one missile dropkick, and he's squashed in less than two minutes with a spinning heel kick (!) and a sit-out powerbomb by Viscera.

Winner: Viscera

Post-match, Viscera steals the nachos from some guy in the front row. And no, that's not a "Viscera is fat" joke. He really does steal some guy's nachos. He then gives Lillian a little hip-swivel and takes the mic: "Damn. These nachos taste about as good as you do, Lillian." Excuse me, I must vomit. He makes her announce him as the winner again, and says that her saying his name is a big turn-on. He offers her some nachos, using the holding-a-chip-in-his-mouth-and-making-the-girl-take-it-that-way technique, and this is seriously the most disturbing thing I've seen on TV in a week (then again, I haven't seen last night's Deadwood yet). Lillian obliges because she'd rather not be on the receiving end of a fat-man splash. He grinds on her again and struts off, eating his nachos.

Quickly: what the fuck was that?

As If What We Just Saw Wasn't Fucked-Up Enough?

Kane sits in his locker room looking pensive when Lita approaches, asking what's wrong. He says he was just thinking about their relationship. He pulls her into a hug from behind the way that some loving couples do, but he's squeezing just a little too hard, and Lita doesn't look too happy about it. He says that it's been nine months since they were married, and he reminisces over Lita's wedding vows, in which she told him to rot in hell. Lita nervously tries to explain, but Kane shushes her and says that Trish is gone, and he'll soon become the World Champ. Lita smiles at that, and Kane finally lets her go. She tells him that he's going to beat Benoit later that night and go on to beat Batista. Kane: "And no one is gonna stand in my way, because I always get what I want." Lita, giggling: "And so do I." Should I read anything into that? Is Lita even more of a skank/schemer than Trish? Heh heh. I said "skank."

Kane smushes Lita's face in his hands and says that's what makes them such a cute couple. He quickly kisses her and they head off. I take back what I said earlier about Viscera being the most disturbing thing I've seen this week. These two nutbars take the cake. If this had a point, I have no idea what it was.

Up Next: Kane v. Chris Benoit.

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Kane v. Chris Benoit (Gold Rush Tournament Semifinal)

Lockup to start, and Benoit fights off Kane with chops. Kane slugs away and gets a body slam for a one-count. Big boot in the corner misses, and Benoit immediately goes after the leg and tries a Sharpshooter. Kane fights out, and Benoit tries to counter with a crossface but gets shoved away. Backstage, Batista watches on a monitor, still in that ridiculous white suit.

Benoit gets in some chops, but walks into a sidewalk slam that gets two. Kane gets a clothesline in the corner and slugs away. He gets Benoit in a neck vice, and he elbows out. Sunset flip gets two on Kane, but he immediately clotheslines Benoit again for two. He goes back to the neck vice/camel clutch. Benoit fights out, and they slug away at each other, with Kane getting another two-count. More chops, but Benoit is swatted down. Kane goes up, but Benoit somehow manages to hit Kane with a dropkick on his way down in a nice spot.

Both men up, and Benoit gets not three, not four, but five Germans in a row. Kane sits up, but eats a low dropkick for his troubles. The headbutt connects, but only gets two. Benoit tries for the Shapshooter, but Kane gets to the ropes. Kane eats an enzuigiri and a baseball slide to the outside. Lita tries to help him up, and Benoit stops himself from diving to the outside when he sees Lita is in the line of fire. She and Kane dive back, and Lita hurts her knee along the way. Benoit steps outside and, like an idiot, tries to help Lita up, but Kane nails him in the back of the head from behind. He's rolled back in, and Benoit tries to reverse a chokeslam with the crossface, but gets whacked in the head again. On chokeslam later, and that's all she wrote. Really boring match for these two guys, and I don't understand why Kane needed to win here.

Winner: Kane

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RAW Rewind: Christian rapping at Backlash and getting in a few funny lines about Trips and Flair.

Ric Flair v. Christian

Christian stops at the ramp with Goat Boy in tow, conspicuously NOT dressed in his ring gear. He takes a mic and announces that Flair has become a problem. Ugh. I see where this is going. And since Christian has brought his own Problem Solver with him tonight, Flair will have to go through Tomko before he can get to Christian. Flair is all, "Bring it on, biatch."

Ric Flair v. Goat Boy (Shitty Consolation Match)

Flair starts chopping away but eats a clothesline and a body slam. He turns his back on Flair for too long, though, and gets chop-blocked and finds himself in the Figure Four before he can blink. Christian tries to interfere but gets tossed, and Flair takes that opportunity to hit Tomko with the always-devastating Nut Punch o' Doom. He capitalizes and rolls up Tomko, using the tights and squeaking out a quick pin. This was 90 seconds, if that. And Christian? Not happy.

Winner: Ric Flair

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We come back to more Diva Search advertisements. The thought of sitting through that crap all over again really does make me want to stick my head in an oven.

Earlier Tonight: Trips acted like a little bitch and walked out.

Stacy Keibler: The Anti-Trish

Todd Grisham is out here for the interview, and is about as professional as any horny 14 year-old that they could have pulled from the crowd. He tries to channel Jerry Lawler here without realizing that Jerry is an unfunny pervert and thus is not a person you would want to emulate. He shills her new photo shoot in Stuff Magazine and gets drool on his nice tie. He then asks a pointless question, which Stacy takes as an opportunity to kiss the fans's asses.

Stacy goes on about a particular photo, saying that it's her favorite because she's wearing her favorite pair of panties. And wouldn't you know it, but she's got the same pair on right now! With that, she decides to strip for the audience so everyone can see.

For fuck's sake. I know this is WWE and all, but this is officially the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Yes, dumber than Katie Vick, Al Wilson, Eric Bischoff attempting to rape Linda McMahon. I'm not kidding. However dumb those storylines were, they were actual storylines. This, just like the Diva Search, is completely meaningless, and my time is being wasted recapping this crap. There are times when it really does suck to be a female wrestling fan, but I don't know if that's worse than being one of the "Yee-haw! Panties!" idiots in the crowd.

I never thought I'd be so happy to see Simon Dean and Maven, but by the Grace of God, they interrupt. Grisham bails, and Simon takes the mic and insults the crowd and tries to shill his Simon System. Maven gets in on the action and essentially calls Stacy fat while Simon mixes up one of his protein shakes. Stacy refuses to drink it, and the guys threaten physical force when she "accidentally" drops it on the mat. Okay, THIS is the dumbest thing I have ever seen.

Before Stacy can (if you ask me, deservedly) get her ass kicked, Hurricane and Rosey make the save. Stacy celebrates with the costumed idiots in the ring.

Backstage: Coach finds Bischoff in his office for a little brown-nosing about how great the show has been (I get to differ, Jonathan), but makes the mistake of bringing up the advertisement for the ECW show. Bischoff is pissed about Heyman buying ad time on his show, and can't stand ECW. Bischoff vows to squash like a bug.

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Robert Conway v. Shelton Benjamin (Non-title Match)

Conway attacks immediately and gets a clothesline on Shelton to start. He stomps away and gets an elbow for two. More elbows and a suplex get a series of two-counts. He goes to a reverse chinlock (90 seconds in?), but Shelton slugs his way out of it. Samoan drops gets two. Shelton goes for the T-bone, but gets laid across the top rope and eats a running kneelift. Conway charges with Shelton on the apron, but a Tajiri-style kick to the head stops him dead in his tracks. Ouch. Shelton does that awesome springboard bulldog of his, and that gets the three-count. Two and a half minutes, maybe.

Winner: Shelton Benjamin

As Shelton exits at the top of the ramp, Hassan and Daivari attack. Shelton fights them off for a minute, but the numbers game catches up to him, and he's left lying.

Backstage: Edge prepares for his match with HBK.

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Pointless filler: John Cena's music video plays. The song itself pretty much sucks (and Cena only raps on the first verse), but the video is just campy enough to be enjoyable.

Backstage: Maria the Mic stand is here to "interview" Shawn Michaels. Her question: "Tonight you're facing the Edge. Do you think you can win?" Give this woman a Pulitzer. I don't know if that was scripted or not, but Shawn's giggly reaction to Maria's stupidly is hilarious, and I now have this ridiculous mental image of HBK taking on the members of U2 in a First Blood match. Come to think of it, I'd pay to see that. The Catholics against the Born-Again Christian! If HBK wears his street fight jeans, I'm betting he'd win.

HBK puts over Shelton Benjamin first, and then addresses Edge. He tells him to prepare for the hissy fit of a lifetime, because tonight he'll find out who the real Mr. Money in the Bank is. And I hope to god that Maria really is that stupid and her flub wasn't scripted, because it just makes it that much funnier. Or even better: maybe the cue card guys thought it would be funny to fuck with her, assuming she's even able to read off cue cards.

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Last week: Shelton Benjamin got a free lobotomy, courtesy of the Sweet Chin Music.

Next week: Chris Jericho and Shelton Benjamin will square off against Hassan and Daivari, Christian will face Ric Flair, and we'll get the final match of the Gold Rush Tournament.

The Edge v. Shawn Michaels (Gold Rush Tournament Semifinal)

Just as Michaels enters the ring, we go to some

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We join the match in progress with both men fighting it out. Edge is tossed outside, and Michaels follows with a springboard cross-body. Edge is tossed back in, but he fights back with a vicious-looking hotshot across the top rope. Edge chokes HBK on the ropes while Batista watches from the back.

Edge goes to the rear chinlock and steals a page from Angle by adding bodyscissors. Michaels fights out of it, but runs into a big boot that gets two. Edge gets an eye rake and a neckbreaker for two, and he goes back to the chinlock. Michaels tries to fight out but gets his hair pulled for his troubles. Edge goes up but gets chopped and punched by Michaels. Michaels is shoved back down, and Edge jumps but gets caught with a kick to the gut and a kneelift. HBK chops away and hits the flying forearm.

HBK kips up and gets and inverted atomic drop, a back-body drop, and a scoop slam. He goes up and connects with the Macho Man elbow, and starts tuning up the band. Edge dodges the Sweet Chin Music but gets rolled up for two. HBK eats turnbuckle and an Edge-u-cator for two. Edge manages to avoid hitting the ref after an Irish whip, but Michaels follows with a clothesline and accidentally takes out the ref. Nice tease of a spot there. Edge gets the implant DDT and sets up for the Spear, but runs straight into a Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere. HBK covers, but there's no ref. He tries to revive him while Edge grabs his briefcase from ringside.

HBK dodges Edge's first two attempts to whack him with the briefcase, but third time's a charm: on an attempted sunset flip, Edge beans him right in the forehead with the case. Man, that sounded nasty. Edge covers just as the ref comes to, and he makes a slow three-count. Shoulda worn the jeans, Shawn.

Winner: Edge

So let me get this straight: we could have had someone like Benoit, Jericho, or Shelton waiting to make Batista look good in a title match, but we're now down to Edge and Kane in the Gold Rush Tournament final. Not only is that a match I don't want to see, but the possible title matches aren't the most exciting, either. Edge is not the right guy to get a great match out of Batista; he can keep up with guys like Angle and Benoit, but he's never been good at carrying big men to watchable contests. And Kane v. Batista? Total crap the first two times I saw it (the first was way back before Kane was unmasked and Batista was still stuck with D-Von as the Deacon. It was Batista's first PPV match, in fact.)

Remember what I said about the booking of Batista at the beginning of this recap? Told ya.