OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
On the Eve of A New War...
March 2, 2010

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of Online Onslaught

Yep: once again, it is I, The Rick, here to at least make half-good on my promises about TV recappening from last week.

So you got me: I skipped doing SmackDown. I assure you, it's only because I was spending my time this weekend doing something much, much more fun and worthwhile. And seriously, isn't that what really matters to all of you? *MY* fun and well-being?

It had damned well better be, you ungrateful parasites! OO is always 100% free which means you always get your money's worth 100% of the times you visit.

And on days like today, when I'm actually in the mood to share my Rasslin' Genius with all of you, you... well, I guess you still get your money's worth. Which isn't saying much, now that I think about it.

But hey: at least it's not the Torch, where Keller and his band of fellow inept wienerboys should be required to PAY YOU every time you make the mistake of dropping by to read their awfulness!

ON WITH THE SHOW~!

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Oklahoma City. Which means Jim Ross is somewhere in the building... and yet, we're going to have to listen to Cole screwing the pooch all night long. Oh, the injustice. Standard welcome from the announcers, with the emphasis on two known quantities: Bret Hart will be here to receive his "Farewell" from Vince, and Randy Orton will go up against Junior DiBiase. No more time to dawdle: partly because the less time anybody at home spends contemplating Orton/DiBiase as a featured match, the more likely they will be to stay tuned. But mostly becuase it's time to shoot it down to the ring for...

Why Not Stick with the Hot Hand?

So it's Shawn Michaels coming out to kick things off... and why not? He and the Undertaker stole the show last week, and gave us the main reason to talk about RAW. In fact, as HBK makes his way to the ring, they quickly recap last week's segment; I'm more than happy to reprise a good thing to start off the show.

But Shawn's not just gonna rest on his laurels and let a video package speak for him... he's in a Value Add Mood tonight, and is REALLY trying hard to exude "whiny bitch" (his main thesis as he begins talking is "Nobody -- not one guy in the back, and not one of you fans -- thinks I can beat the Undertaker. WHHAAAAAA! Why not? I know he's 17-0, but no one's ever given him a run for his money like I did last year!"), but the fans are still cheering.

So, ummm, whoops; I guess 15,000 someones think you can win, Shawn. They don't think you're crazy. Myself? Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass one way or another; I just want 30 minutes of awesome from you at Mania, and I'm pretty sure I'll get it.

Shawn wraps up his opening remarks with a simple request: "Anybody back there who has a problem with me, who thinks I'm throwing my career away because I can't beat the Undertaker, quit talking behind my back and come out here and say it to my face."

Enter Triple H. And I gots to say: it really is nice to have the Motorhead back... DX pretty much wore out their welcome with me by about October last year, but somehow, you never really know just how awful it is to see 40-year-old men wearing neon green and prancing about with glow-sticks until they actually stop doing it. Now they have; and we know; and this is much better.

HHH, getting right to the point: "OK, Shawn. You're right. I don't think you can beat the Undertaker at WrestleMania."

Murmurs and light boos from the crowd. An annoyed shaking of the head from HBK.

HHH, finishing his thought: "That's right. I don't think you can.... I KNOW you can!"

Yay! Still friends!

In fact, Hunter's faith in Shawn runs deeper still, because HHH says he knows DX probably has to go away for awhile, but it doesn't have to be just yet. He wants to invoke their rematch clause for the Unified Tag Titles, and he wants to do it tonight.

Shawn points out that he's got a lot on his plate, and he appreciates the gesture and all, but he isn't interested.

HHH says, "Listen to what I'm saying... we take our rematch tonight. We win our titles. And then, we can keep them for 30 days without defending them. We can go our seperate ways and do what we each have to do at WrestleMania. But 29 days from now is the night AFTER WrestleMania, and we'd have to defend our titles. I don't just THINK you'll be there by my side that night. I KNOW you will be. So c'mon: let's win those titles tonight, together. Let's give you just one more reason to still be here the night after WrestleMania. I believe in you, Shawn. What do YOU believe?"

Shawn now grasps it, and says "Hell, yeah, let's do this thing." Except he didn't use the word "hell," seeing as how this is G-rated TV and he loves him the Jesus. Myself, I'm not so sure there is a god up there, seeing as how I just celebrated the end of neon green nonsense, and here's the damned DX Theme Song raping my ears once again.

But hey: Shawn and HHH are still pals, and everybody's happy about that. Pretty nice touch to get HHH involved in this, since it makes me perk up with interest in exactly what his WM26 bidness is gonna be...

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Backstage: Cheech and Chong are hanging out in a lushly-appointed Hippie Den. Then the useless Bellas show up and do something useless. Cheech wanders away, leaving Chong to lounge in a beanbag chair. Then Hornswoggle walks in; Chong thinks he may be hallucinating, but Hornswoggle is all-too-real, duuuude. Chong accepts the reality of the situation, and asks if Swoggle can hook him up... so the midget busts out his stash. Of Lucky Charms. Chong partakes of the cereal, and all of a sudden, things get all tripppy and swirly. Far out, maaaaaannn... it's like I'm having a flashback, duuuuuude. A flashback to any one of the other countless times idiotic guest host antics have made me want to punch my TV, that is.

And seriously: you get two stoners knowing you can't even mention weed, but still decide to run with psychedelic kid's cereal because that's so totally family-friendly? Just go back and re-read my whole "rated-G/Skinemax-porn/genre-for-grown-ups" rant at the end of last week's recap, people. It applies once again, here, and I don't have the energy to get re-indignant at WWE's all-around cluelessness...

Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase Jr.

Well, they hyped it as a main event match, but that was before we knew of DX vs. ShowMiz... so here's The Viper slithering his way into an entirely more appropriate spot in an early-show throw-away match. Opening moments see the cold-blooded constrictor on offense, while the announcers use the Orton/DiBiase relationship as a flimsy excuse to hype NXT and the mentor/rookie concept. Whee. Then the fight goes to the floor, and the mighty lizard that is Orton found his serpentine body coiled around a steel ring post at the decidedly not-snake-like-at-all hands of Junior DiBiase. Teddy back in the ring, ref applying a count, so let's break for...

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Back, and DiBiase is treating Orton less like a potent vermin and more like a mere earthworm. Stompy stompy. But this powerful reptile's got fangs, baby! When Junior attempts to get a submission with his daddy's Million Dollar Dream, the Ophidian One rallies and begins a venomous rampage. Stalking his prey and ready to strike with a lightning fast RKO, the Glorious Basilisk was, however, interrupted by DiBiase's partner in crime, Cody Rhodes.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via disqualification, in about 6-8 minutes of utterly forgettable alleged "action." Even as a babyface, Orton's not changing his moveset, leaving us to revel in chinlocks and Garvin Stomps. The Garvin Stomp, by the way? So ineffective looking that even COLE recognized that fact and tried to justify Orton's use of it by saying "This is really more a psychological attack than a physical one." In other words, "It's boring and doesn't even look like it hurts, but Orton's gonna keep on doing it, anyway." Whee.

After the Match: you'd think DiBiase and Rhodes would best their former Slimelord, but instead, Orton launched an amphibious assault, and easily struck down his former proteges with his paralyzingly poisonous punches. There's your Herpetological Warrior, the Venomous Viper, Randy Orton: standing tall after being on the giving end of a 1-on-2 beatdown. What a hero!

As always, this Randy Orton Segment has been sponsored by Thesaurus.com. Thesaurus.com: Your One-Stop Source For Fucking With WWE For Thinking Changing Orton's Nickname Makes Him A Babyface!

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In The Parking Lot: a limo pulls up, and out hobbles Bret "the Hitman" Hart. His left ankle is in a cast, and he's on one crutch, which makes him exactly half-as-tough as Jewel was last week. Good for him, but frankly, now that my mind has gone back to last week, I'm REALLY missing Jewel's bOObs. Mmmmm....

Backstage: Chong is still in the Hippie Den, and the effects/music are still trippy, maaaaaaannn. Chong is giving a back massage to what APPEARS to be Eve, while free-associating and coming up with the idea of a Diva Pajama Party Pillow Fight. It is at this point that William Regal's voice comes out of Eve's mouth and asks "A Pillow Fight? Are you daft, man?"... duuuuuuuude, that's freaky. And then here's Cheech to provide the buzzkill. The effects/music stop, and we see that Chong is -- in fact -- massaging Regal, who picks NOW to storm out of the room as he is deeply offended by the inappropriate groping. But he wasn't before. Only now. Cheech reveals that Chong has a medical condition that causes him to space out on sugar. So see, kiddies, it's not drugs! It's just Lucky Charms. So be good little boys and girls and EAT YOUR SUGAR, you brats!

Cheech, however, has no such medical condition and decides to eat some cereal. He specifically starts hunting for the mushr..... errrr, he corrects himself and says he wants the marshmallows. MARSHMALLOWS. That's right. And then here's the trippy hippie dippy effects again, as Cheech looks up and starts talking to "Kelly Kelly." But those of us at home can see it's actuall Chris F. Masters standing there. Out of CFM's face, comes Kelly's voice with the alleged punchline: "Hey, perv, stop staring at my chest!"

High-larious? I vote not.

Video Package: Cena and Batista did stuff last week. I do not recap recaps. After the package ends, Lawler and Cole mention both Cena and Batista are in the building tonight, and WWE actually displays one of those bumper graphics with their faces and the word "CONFRONTATION?" plastered across them. Are you asking me, or telling me, morons? Christ almighty is this company ever doing a great job at marketing to children... or adults with the mental capacity of children. Dumb children at that, ones who haven't yet grasped the concept of object permanance and are intrigued by the game of peek-a-boo. "CONFRONTATION?" OMG, I'm so excited, I see a CONFRONTATION coming... but oh no, the CONFRONTATION disappears when we break for ads... will the "CONFRONTATION?" ever come back? What happened to my "CONFRONTATION?"???? Where'd it go? I'm dying to find out...

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Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella (Money in the Bank Qualifying Match)

The announcers barely have time to point out that Swagger is in his home state, possibly gaining a home field advantage, before Swagger hits the sit-out powerbomb. Thanks for playing, Santino.

Your Winner: Swagger, via pinfall, in 30 seconds flat. How thrilling.

Video Package: Undertaker and Shawn Michaels stuff. Not as good as the video from last week. But not entirely offensive, either.

Backstage: a security guard knocks on a door, and out peeks Batista. Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod, I think I see a CONFRONTATION? coming....

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Batista's Not-Entirely-Satisfyingly-Logical Explanationing Theatre (Now With 38% More Fabulousness)

OK, so Batista was the one WALKING~! backstage, but here's John Cena making his ring entrance. I guess it doesn't matter what order they come in, just so long as we get our CONFRONTATION? in the end... Cena grabs a mic and begins his airing of the grievances. In short: in however many years, Cene never had a problem with Batista, he even thought they were friends, and now all of a sudden, Batista has a problem with Cena, what with all the ambushing and whatnot. Cena says he's not even so concerned about the WWE Title theft, cuz now that has worked itself out and he'll get his shot at WrestleMania... he just wants to know what the hell has gotten into Big Dave.

So here's Batista to retort: and after being prodded by security backstage, he's here being flanked by a dozen guards up on the stage. I'll save you the trip to the weenisses at the Torch, and reveal that they made a "Batistaberg" joke. Or possibly "Goldtista." If they didn't, maybe they AREN'T on the cutting edge of pathetic internet loserosity. And what a disappointment that would be.

Myself, I'll skip the comparison to irrelevant former WCW stars, and just marvel at the fact that Batista thought it was a good idea to dress up like THAT. He's already a man who thinks that pink golf shirts are an entirely valid fashion choice, and now THAT? Studded leather vest, necklace, bracelets, all to go along with his myriad earings and other peircings? The Villiage People appear to have misplaced their biker... and I'm guessing Batista is doing this in an attempt to be Johnny Weir's new favorite wrestler? The two are clearly soulmates when it comes to exhibiting levels of flamboyance that go beyond camp and start to teeter on the brink of uncomfortable-to-watch...

Might as well make peace with Batista's get-up and pay attention to the promo.... although it should be noted that even Cena seems a bit perplexed by Batista's apparent lifestyle choice, and struggles to find a G-rated way to make a joke about it. He eventually settles on saying that Batista looks like a "pansy," which is... well, a pretty pansy thing to say, Jon-Jon. But thanks for trying.

Cena also wants his explanation, so Batista begins explaining: he and Cena broke in at the same exact time 8 years ago, they both won their first world titles on the exact same show 5 years ago, but since then, things couldn't have been more different between them. They're the two biggest stars since the Attitude Era, says Batista, but the difference is Cena is WWE's golden boy, beloved by fans, and the direct receipient of "the torch handed down from Steve Austin," all while Batista toils in the shadows, the forgotten man. He wants to fix that by beating the Golden Boy on the biggest, well-lit stage of all: so that's why he got DQ'ed last week. He WANTS to face Cena. Batista is the champion, but Cena has what he wants, so at WM26, Batista will take it and he will be the new Golden Boy.

Cena tastefully avoids pointing out that Batista has toiled -- on average -- about 7 months out of every year since 2005 what with all his injuries; instead of pointing out Batista's negatives, he riffs on his own positives, which are that he loves this business, he lives and breathes it, and no matter if people cheer or boo him, every fan in the stands AND every official in the back KNOW this about Cena, and it's why he is where he is.

Cena says that the same respect is there for the taking if Batista wants it. If he's willing to be the first to arrive and last to leave, all that stuff... but frankly, Cena really hopes that Batista is interested in something other than a mythical, intangible "torch," because if not, it'll be all too easy for Cena to take something that actually DOES exist, that IS real: the WWE Title.

Batista then kind of pulls an about-face, and forgets all about his previous comments regarding torches and respect and the adoration of fans... he doesn't do it for that, afterall. He does it for the money. He does it for titles, because titles mean more money. And he so totally doesn't care what people think. It's all about him, hes looking out for #1, and so he'll go train, visualize beating the crap out of Golden Boy, and then make that vision come true at WrestleMania. He hits a line about Cena wasting his time on the fans -- "kissing babies and hugging fat chicks" was his exact line, which is admittedly pretty spot-on in terms of Cena's strongest fan bases -- and how none of it matters.

What matters is that Batista will beat Cena, maybe even shorten his career, and he'll be alone at the top. Batista says that quite simply, Cena cannot beat him. And furthermore: deep down, he thinks Cena knows it. Play Batista's music as he exits, confident that he just shamed JonJon into stone-faced silence!

There was a serious logical/continuity hiccup there in terms of Batista's dialogue, no doubt the product of the ham-fisted Writer Monkeys and their chronic ADD... but just in terms of vibe and presence, Batista really is hitting the ball out of the park since his heel turn. Cena provided a decent quality foil for him in this particular CONFRONTATION?, too. But mostly: it was Batista. The me-first stuff and general understated malice makes him the most interesting he's been since 2004.

Now, let's just turn down the gay a few notches, big man, so that we can take you seriously instead of living in fear that you're suddenly gonna start entering the ring to Lady Gaga, OK?

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Backstage: Cheech and Chong are munching on completely innocent kids' cereal, while the trippy effects and music are still in full effect. For some reason, any RAW performer with even a hint of ethnicity is hanging out and wearing serapes, sombreros, and fake moustaches. Chavo finds the stereotyping distasteful! Primo points out he and his brother aren't even Mexican, they're Puerto Rican! And Carlito hits the only moderately funny and self-aware line of the entire night by saying, "Yeah, and also: I hate my brother, so why are we hanging out together?"... and then a rooster (voiced by Santino) shows up from out of nowhere to announce that it's almost time for the Pajama Party Pillow Fight. Don't ask me, people... I'm just telling you what I saw...

Magnificently Volatile Projectiles (or NAMBLA, for short) vs. Zack Ryder (Money in the Bank Qualifying Match)

Wow. The "Jersey Shore" douchenozzle from ECW has come to RAW, and he didn't even get a ring entrance. Or a single offensive move. Punch, kick, ballin', over. Later on, Zack.

Your Winner: MVP, via pinfall in 30 seconds flat. So glad we're getting so much quality in-ring action tonight. And so glad that after filling 6 MitB spots, WWE still has exactly one vaguely intriguing potential winner (Christian) in the match. Oh, Money in the Bank, what has become of you?

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Pajama Party Pillow Fight (Maryse, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, Jillian Hall, Eve Torres, and Alicia Fox)

Cheech and Chong stumble up into the ring to provide the introductions. Their precise words, as the three babyfaces all entered together: "Here's these ones." Then, when the heels came out together: "And the other ones." A spectacular display of retardation~!

Oh well, I'll let it slide, since this is also a moderately spectacular display of hotness. All six are attired in variation on the standard issue college girl nightwear of boy-shorts and tank-tops. A decade after the fact, and I still vividly remember the only good thing about having 9am classes was heading down to the first floor to grab breakfast and seeing the girls rolling down from their rooms in their PJs, treating us to displays of the always-endearing "tomorrow morning pretty" that was and is among my favorite things. Yes indeed.... even 9am doesn't suck so long as there are pretty girls and bacon involved. Good times...

I guess I'll also point out that while all six are rocking the standard issue hot girl PJs, it is curious that Gail Kim is the one they decided to stick with the Hello Kitty outfit. Because she's.... Canadian? Also, I think it was Hocking who was perpetually indignant that Kelly Kelly would always wear sneakers even during things like Bikini Beach Beatdowns, so I'm sure he's happy that she apparently got her webbed feet (or other hideous deformity) surgically fixed and was able to wrestle barefoot tonight... Alicia gets Goofball Points from me for actually attempting to do wrestling moves in giant fluffy Bunny Slippers.

But not very many actual wrestling moves. Everybody teamed up on Maryse for a bit, then there was just random pillow shots for about 60 seconds. Then Eve rolled Alicia up for the pinfall.

Your Winner: Eve, via pinfall, in about 2 minutes. Or maybe the winnerS were the entire babyface side. It wasn't clear if this was a tag match or every-girl-for-herself. It also didn't matter. This wasn't designed to be a marvel of storytelling or athleticism; it was designed to be G-rated titilation for the benefit of the 13-year-old boys in the audience. Or the 30-year-old ones who still fondly remember dorm life, when pretty girls and bacon were all I needed to make life worth living... then again: they'd pretty much still hit the spot today. Pretty girls and bacon.... mmmmm....

After the Match: Hornswoggle shows up with Lucky Charms for all. Cheech and Chong go around ringside throwing cereal at the fans, because you see, they aren't mean, dirty drug dealers. They're nice, innocent drug-giver-awayers.

Hall of Fame: the next member of the Class of 2010 is Maurice "Mad Dog" Vachon. And he immediately wages a strong challenge to Wendi Richter on the "WTF?" Meter. This is shaping up as an odd (and not very "sexy" in terms of mass marketing appeal) group. Are they really gonna bet the farm on Ted DiBiase (Sr.) and Stu Hart selling this thing? I know Honkeytonk Man declined his invitation because he was offered more money to appear at a different event that weekend, and I know Ultimate Warrior has apparently pulled out of being inducted after intially agreeing, but c'mon.... Wendi Richter and the guy who's biggest claim to fame (as far as I know) is letting Steve Austin use his prosthetic leg as a foreign object that one time? Can Iron Mike Sharpe be far behind?

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Who Needs "Wrestling"? Not RAW~!

We're told it's time to bring Bret Hart out to the ring, but instead, it's Vince McMahon's music that fires up. He does his Monty Python Funny Walk out to the ring, and grabs a mic to give Bret a proper (read: sarcastic and insincere) introduction. As Bret hobbles out and heads towards the ring, Vince also shoots it to a video package reminding us of why Bret's ankle is broken.

Once both guys are face-to-face in the ring, Vince says he'd like to clear the air and swears he had nothing to do with the little fender bender in the parking lot. Bret says he's not so sure about that, because Vince is a liar. Bret also wants to say goodbye to the fans on his own terms, so he tells Liar Vince to leave the ring...

Vince starts to, but then turns around and says "You know what? You're right. I am a liar. But not just any liar. I strive to be the best at what I do, and so yeah: I'm a WORLD CHAMPION LIAR." He revisits the various ways he's deceived Bret over the years, but then says he thinks Bret is a liar, too. Vince doesn't think Bret came back to WWE two months ago to "make peace" or "clear the air." He says Bret only came back because he wanted to take a shot at beating the hell out of Vince.

Well, Vince wonders, how'd that work out for you, Hitman? Looks like Vince had his bases covered, and look at you now, cripple.

But if Bret wants a shot at Vince, Vince thinks he should have it. Afterall, didn't Bret challenge Vince to a match? Vince seems to remember this? Is Bret a lying indian-giver, or is that challenge still on the table? Cuz Vince wants it; he wants to fight Bret.

Bret bluntly calls Vince an "idiot" and points out his broken leg. Vince doesn't care and just keeps on rambling, trying to goad Bret into it. Somebody in the production truck is pretty proud of themselves, too: they've framed it perfectly so that a close-up of Bret's face shows the reflection of Vince doing his Shitty Over-the-Top Acting in Bret's sunglasses. OMG, the artistry~! Pat yourself on the back for the attention to detail, whoever came up with that. And then kick yourself in the balls for working for a company that let you pay attention to Item #2882 on the List of Important Things Actually Worth Paying Attention To.

Bret doesn't bite on any of the goading, so Vince stops and calls Bret a "coward." And then he kicks Bret's crutch out from under him and begins walking way.

Bret struggles to his feet, gets a mic, and finally relents. "You want a match at WrestleMania? Fine, you got it." This is, oddly, not quite as monumental and epic a moment as I maybe hoped it would be. Maybe that's because we saw Bret (before "breaking his ankle") job cleanly to a speaker cabinet during his hissy fit 3 weeks ago; it's hard to envision a genuinely satisfying match of any kind between Bret and Vince at this point... but Vince is proud of himself, and in fact, he even wants to treat Bret to a little preview of what awaits him at WM.

Because next week, Vince will go one-on-one with John Cena. So Vince's answer to direct competition from TNA is... himself? Bzzzzt. Normally I'd say competition would be a good thing, but in this case, all it means is the average age of the 6 men in the main events on RAW and Impact next week is gonna be roughly 72 years old. Hogan. Flair. And now, Vince. Oy.

Play Vince's music and let's cut to some....

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Next Week: in addition to Vince/Cena, we now know that Orton has challenged DiBiase and Rhodes to a handicap match. Whee. Also: Criss Angel is guest hosting. That's right: Criss Angel. The guy who expertly combines the mincing pussery of David Copperfield with the cosmic stupidity of David Blaine. Unless his magic trick is teleporting into my living room so that I may punch him in the eyeball, I'm already quite confident he'll add nothing worthwhile to the show.

Big Show and Miz vs. Triple H and Shawn Michaels (Unified Tag Title Match)

They do the ring entrances, and while Big Show is still moseying slowly towards the ring, they go ahead and cut to some...

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Back, and apparently they held off on starting. Awww, how nice of them. Too bad it's already past the top of the hour, and there are zero prospects for this being anything resembling a wrestling match. Man, the time do fly...

HBK starts the match and IMMEDIATELY flies into Babyface in Peril Mode. [Sidebar: they announced Show is facing Edge on Friday's SD. And instantly, that's more compelling than anything they just hyped for next week's RAW. D'oh.] After 90 seconds, he gets a "hot tag" to HHH, who comes in, and then HE goes into Face in Peril Mode. You know: that layered "decoy hot tag" thing really works best in a match that's, like, 20 minutes or so. Not one that's gonna be 3.

So then HHH rallies so HE can "hot tag" Michaels. Shawn is in old school form, hitting his Five Moves o' Doom (flying burrito, kip up, inverted atomic, bodyslam, and macho elbow) in rapid order. Then, as he lines Miz up for the Sweet Chin Music, the Undertaker appears on the TitanTron. Taker says nothing, but rolls his eyeballs back into his head. Michaels -- veteran of 20-plus years -- is utterly distracted by this, and Miz sneaks up behind and rolls him up for the win.

Your Winners: ShowMiz, via pinfall, in 3-4 minutes. I lack the words to describe how anticlimactic this was. Not just the brevity, not just the lack of any substance during the brevity, not just the mind-bendingly stupid finish where nothing interesting happened and yet Michaels had to be distracted by said nothing... just an incomprehensible total package of fizzle. Stunning.

After the Match: HHH was visably frustrated, but still wanted to lend his buddy some support. Shawn was having none of it and stormed away from the ring... and then, from out of the crowd, Sheamus showed up and attacked Trips. So, uhhh, I guess they're still on for WM, even without the title on the line? Or any reason for fans to even remotely give a shit? I'll at least say this for Hunter: he used his stroke to get Sheamus his push, since they're friends backstage, but at least he's going full-out to try to make it work. No half-assing it; he's actually willing to jerk the curtain at Mania just to make sure his buddy has a match on the show.

Anyway: Sheamus beats the crap out of HHH. Of course, Shawn Michaels is in no way interested in coming back to make the save. So Sheamus finishes things off by delivering his big boot to send HHH flying over the announce table to land in a pile. Play Sheamus' music, and this show is OVER~!

Not a whole lot to say that I didn't already say above. Simply not all that strong a show. Not horrible, but certainly not how I might have hoped they'd follow up after a strong-ish effort last week. Still light on wrestling both times out, but last week peaked higher (Taker/HBK was better than this week's Cena/Batista highlight) and didn't have anything nearly as awful as this week's lows.

So, in my Flurry Of Recappening, I guess I got one good one, and one bad one. But because I am the Polisher of Turds, YOU got TWO good ones, kids. You can thank me by making a donation to help keep OO's bills paid. Remember that PayPal is our processor, but all credit cards are accepted... just click here if you can spare a few bucks. And thanks in advance to all who do!

Pyro's back next week (actually, he'll be back for Friday's SD), and it'll be interesting to see how things develop in the first night of the new Monday Night War. Later on, folks...

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

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RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

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SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

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RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.