Last Night: The Miz successfully defended his WWE Spinnin’ Title by being significantly younger than Jerry “” Lawler. Also, Trish Stratus made her WWE return and immediately regretted it. And John Cena won the Elimidate Chamber. Maybe we’ll find out who the lucky lady is…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)
 

Hey! A clock! Counting down from backwards 29! I can’t wait to find out what doesn’t happen. Maybe the whole show will just be this clock!

It sort of bothers me that Triple H is still the most featured wrestler in RAW’s (Opening Credits), by the way. But enough about that, it’s time for some APPLEDOUGH!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YOOOOO! YOOOOOOOOOO! YOOOO! Guess what? I won a date and JOHN CENA IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! And you know who that makes me like? The Rock. Because I’m totally the new Rock, you guys! I’m a charismatic black guy! The crowd loves me! Ever hear the chant “Cena sucks?” It’s just like “Rocky sucks!” It makes me soooo mad! And you know what happens when I get mad!!!

Cena composes himself.

Cena: Rock inferred that I was gay you guys! That’s totally not fair! He’s the one who talks about butts all the time! And he was in a bunch of bad movies for kids! I was in The Marine! And that one bad movie for kids! It’s not fair! I don’t want to go to Wrestlemania if Rock is going to be there. He’s a big mean doody head and I hate him. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

And then he runs off.

Clock? Still running. Now it’s Pitchfork O’clock.

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John Morrison vs. CM Punk

Seeing John Morrison limp in slow motion almost makes this whole thing worthwhile. Ten years, this is all I have to live for these days, folks. So the story of the match is that both guys are too injured to do their ring entrances, but will be fine for the actual wrestling portion of the show. Glad we got that cleared up. Isn’t this “Prince of Parkour” gimmick basically just Jeff Hardy but with less drugs? Go To Sleep, so I guess I’ll never find out. After the match, Punk grabs the mic and basically begs Orton to wrestle him at Wrestleamania so he doesn’t have to be part of Cena’s intro again. He specifically says that <The Nexus> has the night off just to make this deal happen without interference. Orton comes out to hold negotiations, and <The Nexus> materializes to drag Punk out of the ring. Man, that’s the worst night off in the history of nights off.

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Oh, God. These guys are STILL on this show? THIS IS NOT SMACKDOWN!

Ricardo Rodriguez: Here’s this guy!

But before Alberto Del Rio can say anything, Kofi Kingston runs out and waylays him. What is Kofi even doing there? And dressed to compete?! Does he run around the country in his underwear? That seems…impractical. Ricardo unbuttons his suit coat, and Kofi’s so distracted that Del Rio is able to turn on the offense and lock in an armbar. That’s His Move! Seriously. That. Is his move. Kofi lay devastated by this resthold as Alberto unleashes the world’s most awkward wink to the camera.

Backstage, The Miz scares the crap out of Michael Tarver, who was just minding his own business, dammit.

There’s that clock again. It’s jumped about twenty farm implements and now it’s front ways twenty minutes and change.

(ads)

Here’s Miz and Riley.

The Miz: Was anybody else disappointed that Rock didn’t come after me harder? I mean, I get his infatuation with Cena, but I’m the champion! You guys! There’s plenty of things to make fun of me about! I’m small, I have awful hair, I have a manservant. I was on a reality TV show. I look weird in a suit. My alternative is this thing where I wear a suit coat, tie and a hoodie for some reason, that’s even more fashionably disturbing.

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager Demon Girl! She says, “The Rock was in a tag team once. So tonight, The Miz and John Cena will take on Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel in a tag team title match. Because that dot dot dot makes sense. Hugs and kisses. Demon Girl.”

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The Bella Twins vs. Gail Kim and Eve Torres

The Bellas stole Kelly Kelly Kelly’s old ring gear and Melina’s old make-up. Looks…um…great, ladies. This match is for Daniel Bryan’s contract, I think. Or something like that. The clock is on the screen now. OMG! 6:66 minutes left! The Bellas make a switch, which is pretty friggin’ pointless in a tag team match, but whatever, and they get the win. Afterwards they make the “We collectively want the belt” motion, which defies all laws of singles titles, but I guess if it’s good enough for Lay Cool…The clock’s at Pi:00 now. Did that really take three minutes?!

(ads)

The countdown is almost up! Damn you for lying to me, Chuck Woolery! So, you know the guy in the black leather coat who we’ve been waiting for for weeks? Well, that was just Trish Stratus. In an unrelated note, here’s the Disemvoiced Body of The Undertaker. Nice giant symbol, dude. Compensating for something, are we? It’s all Vegas’d out too. This is the most ridiculous return to wrestling in minutes.

Before we get too wrapped up in that though, here’s Triple H. Also in a leather jacket. Goddamn it, this is so confusing. His neck is now officially bigger than his head, which is cool. Boy, I sure hope Sheamus isn’t here tonight! Which has nothing to do with this segment, mind you.

I can’t shake the feeling that this would be the perfect time for Sho Funaki to make his big return. No? All right.

So they stand around. They look at each other. They look at the Wrestlemania sign. They look at each other again. Undertaker is riding a dolphin. Triple H has a whole flock of emus and nothing but time on his hands. Neither guy has said a word. In part because Undertaker’s voice has been legally separated from his body for the past six years, and partly because Triple H literally forgot how to cut a promo. Which is a blessing for all of us.

Then…then…That’s…it then? Oh.

Ok.

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Michael Cole dares ask the question we’ve all been asking ourselves since whatever that was. Will Undertaker kill Triple H? Or will Triple H…force Undertaker to look at his crotch?

King Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

Finally! I’ve been eagerly anticipating this match for seconds! Mark gives Sheamus a big hug. Aww! See? He’s not a big Fella after all. I really hope Triple H isn’t watching this segment. Does beating Mark Henry mean anything anymore? I hold at least two pinfall victories over the guy, and I don’t feel like I’m any closer to getting the WWE Spinnin’ Title. Sheamus forgoes hitting the Bicycle Kick (The Finisher of Champions!), and instead decides to lose to Henry. Well…That’s one thing to do, I guess.

(ads)

Backstage, Daniel Bryan is taming chimeras while Gail Kim fawns over him.

King Sheamus: You think you can just tame mythical creatures back here, fella? This is my backstage area too, and I only allow real creatures in my kingdom.

Daniel Bryan: You realize that you’re not a real king.

Sheamus: As real as these liongoatdragons.

Bryan: Touche.

Sheamus storms off in a huff. Bryan shoves Gail off him and flies off on a jetpack powered by the dreams of children.

The new inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame? Former WCW janitor Jim Duggan. It’s really nice to see they’re honoring the little guy!

Here’s Michael Cole.

Michael Cole: Well, I guess I’m supposed to interview Jerry “” Lawler. But if you’ll allow me some self aggrandizement for a second, can you believe I went from being “the next Todd Pettingil” to being “The New Mike Tenay”?! It’s pretty awesome. Now I’m aiming for somewhere between Joey Styles and that NASCAR guy TNA had on for a while.

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Truly, that deserved an ad break. Have we ever, in the history of forty minute promos, ever taken a break mid-promo before?

Michael Cole: Jerry, there’s plenty of stuff I could make fun of you about. How you’ve never won a World Title. How you’re only famous because a comedian sold for you once. About how your territory got plowed in by WWE. How you can never keep a marriage. How you won’t date anybody over the age of fifteen. How you’re not even a fake king anymore. How you lost to Miz, friggin’ MIZ, last night. But instead I’m just going to stand here waving my finger at you, almost, but not quite, poking you. Poke poke poke!

Jerry “” Lawler: I have to admit, my Wrestlemania dream has always been to wrestle a wheezy announcer. Admittedly, I always thought it was going to be Coach. But you’re nearly as good. Wanna wrestle?

Cole: Don’t rape me!

Then Cole runs away.

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The Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre (w/ Ezekial Jackson and Wade Barrett) vs. John Cena and The Miz (w/ Alex Riley)
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

I miss Santino and Vlad. They were the best tag team champions. So crazy odd couple tag team champions. This has never happened before, right? The Corrrrre decides to stay away from the ring and drink rum with Lawler and WWE Diva Josh Mathews, so let’s see what effect that has on the match. Cena and Miz politely, if sternly, tag each other in and out, completely no selling any attempt at offense by the champs. Then Miz hits his move (That’s His Move) for the win. Really? Cena and Miz are really happy about this turn of events. Aw! They’re best friends now! Barrett immediately invokes the rematch clause. Which…can you do that? Is it like a Money in the Bank thing?

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: I just hacked Michael Cole’s e-mail account. That’s all. Just thought everybody would like to know that.

(ads)

The Corrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre (w/ Ezekial Jackson and Wade Barrett) vs. John Cena and The Miz (w/ Alex Riley)
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Sure, why the hell not. Does this mean that Santino and Vlad won’t get their rematch? That’s not fair. Tamina is going to be really sad. Heath Slater is all over Cena until Miz tags in. The Corrrrrrre takes time away from Insult Swordfighting to take a few cheap shots on Miz, though. It’s really nice to see these guys in the main event again. For however short a time this will last. About another five minutes or so. Then Zeke turns back into a pumpkin and Barrett into a mouse in an overcoat. Shockingly, Miz remembers that he’s a heel, and hits Cena with his move (That’s His Move) allowing The Corrrrrrre to get the win and the belts. Shortest lived fake tag team ever. Ever!

Next Week: Undertaker and Triple H manage a word between them. That word? Fries. Also, The Rock returns to call Cena “Fruity Pebbles” and Miz “Bam Bam,” thereby making Miz Wrestling’s 8^th Bam Bam. And Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler commentate from bunkers on opposite ends of the arena.