OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

SMACKDOWN RECAP
Alberto del Rio Avoids Strike Three
April 10, 2011

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of Online Onslaught

In my best Lloyd Bridges: it looks like I picked the wrong week to take over recapping SmackDown...

When I volunteered for the duty, I failed to realize April 8 was a Friday this year. And as most of you should know from years past, April 8 is a day I am obligated to commentorate each year. And if you don't know, you can probably look it up in past pre-Rambles...

Point is, I wasn't really in much of a temperament to be tending to wrestling duties. Which is why this is a day-and-a-half late getting posted. My apologies.

I'll make sure to have RAW recapped in the more standard timely fashion, so that you may enjoy my scintilating wit and incisive analysis on Tuesday morning. Till then: let's quickly (and I do mean quickly) get you caught up to speed on SmackDown...

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're taped in Charlotte. Cole still has his silly little cubicle, but is at least wearing a suit. Which means he won't be wrestling tonight. Phew....

Alberto del Rio's "I Lost, so I Deserve a Rematch" Theatre

Actually, del Rio (flanked by Ricardo and Brodus) has a SLIGHTLY better justification for demanding a rematch: Edge and Christian destroyed his automobile at WM27, and such an act of childishness should result in Edge being embarassed about his behavior. Alberto assures him all will be forgotten if Edge just makes an equally mature and generous gesture by granting the rematch.

And as if on cue: he's Edge, driving a wrecker, with Christian riding shotgun and Alberto's destroyed vehicle hoisted up on the bed of the truck. Some standard mockery, as del Rio oversells his personal attachement to the ruined car, allowing Edge to turn the screws by spraypainting the car. Edge also says del Rio had his shot, and now it's somebody else's turn, as there are countless other guys who deserve shots. "Who?" asks del Rio. "HONK" goes the truck horn, as Christian reveals himself.

Edge reminds us that Christian's got 2 wins over del Rio in the past month, so at the very least, Christians one of the guy's ahead of Alberto. But before Edge can go so far as name his pal the #1 Contender, General Manager Teddy Long comes out and declares that Christian and del Rio are the top two choices in his book, so tonight, they'll fight to determine the next challenger to Edge's title. Will Christian make it 3 in a row over del Rio? Or will Alberto get a second chance at fulfilling his destiny?

Oh, and by the way: before Teddy goes, he drops another bombshell... whoever wins tonight will move on to the Extreme Rules PPV to face Edge... in one of Edge's specialty matches... a Ladder Match~!

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Big Show, Kane, Kofi Kingston, Santino Marella vs. the Corre

A WM27 rematch, this time 2 out of 3 falls, so it should last longer than 90 seconds.... but we get only 90 seconds of action before we cut to some more...

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Back, and Kane's still in control for a few moments before an illegal blast by Zeke Jackson put the Corre in command. Tag Champs Slater/Gabriel cut the ring in half for a brief heel beatdown. Kane fought out of it for a Level 1 Hot Tag to Kofi, who exploded on offense, fending off double-teams, and eventually landed a Steamboat-esque high cross body on Slater to win the first fall, after about 8 minutes. Might as well take a break for...

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Back, and now the Corre is on top, isolating on Santino. After about a minute of that, Santino did the full Hulk-Up, but just as he was about to hit the Cobra on Slater, Wade Barrett made a blind tag to become the legal man. As Santino was still focused on Slater, Barrett blindsided him and then hit the Wastelands Slam to win the second fall (counting the ad break between falls, total match time now is probably around 15 minutes).

No break this time, and the deciding third fall begins straight away, which allows Barrett to drag Santino into the heel corner for more of a beatdown. This time when Santino fires up, he doesn't try to do it all himself, and instead makes the Level 2 Hot Tag to Kane, who absolutely cleans house. Pier 8 Brawl ends with Kane about to hit the chokeslam on Barrett, but the rest of Corre had taken control over Show/Kofi/Santino on the outside, and all at once, the trio broke up the chokeslam, and the ref called for the DQ, ending the third fall.

Your Winners: Show/Kane/Kofi/Santino, 2 falls to 1, in about 18 minutes. Not bad at all, kind of a make-good for the WM27 match. This was the fun/crowd-pleaser that you knew these 8 could pull off if given the time. Ending was kinda lame, though. Either find a way to give Corre the win, or have 'em do the job clean. No matter what, this is the end of the 4-on-4, and they get a reset starting next week to focus on the fact that Wade is the IC Champ and Slater/Gabriel are tag champs... this anticlimactic DQ crap was not necessary for any reason I can fathom.

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Cody Rhodes vs. Trent Barreta

I don't recap squashes.

Your Winner: Cody Rhodes in under 2 minutes.

After the Match: Rey Mysterio ran in to try to get revenge for his loss at WM27, but Cody retreated before anything substantive could happen.

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Complete Replay: the entire Rock/Cena segment from RAW. I don't recap recaps, either. I fast forward them.

Backstage: Edge and Christian are talking, and Christian mentions that he's pretty much as experienced in Ladder Matches as Edge, so it'd reek of awesomeness if they ended up getting to face each other in the match THEY invented. Edge is all "yeah, it'd be nice, but cool your jets, del Rio's a tough cookie." And Christian's all "I know, but I've beat him twice, which is once more than you have." And Edge is all "You know what, maybe I'll be rooting for del Rio toninght, just so I can beat him a second time, and you won't have that over me." And Christian's all "Really?"... and Edge is all "GOTCHA~! C'mon bro, I'm pulling for you. Good luck." And Edge leaves. But he forgets to take his title belt with him. So Christian starts eyeballing it, covetously. Edge returns a moment later to catch Christian lusting for the gold, so Edge grabs the belt protectively and leaves again, this time with a suspicious lookon his face.

Nice bit. My brain knows there's no way WWE'd actually give us E vs. C in a ladder match... but my gullible inner mark really likes them giving us such a blatant tease, to add another layer of "why I should give a shit" to the main event tonight.

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Beth Phoenix/Kelly Kelly vs. LayCool

I assumed this would be a "get well" match for LayCool after losing to Snooki at WM.... I assumed wrong. In fact, it was almost a squash in the other direction, as McCool started and got beat down by Beth, finishing with a backbreaker that apparently debilitated Michelle. Layla was tagged in, and pretty much on the receiving end of a 2 minute beatdown, all while Michelle continued to favor the back and show zero signs of trying to tag back in. In fact, when Layla finally got to the corner, McCool dropped down off the apron to continue favoring her back, allowing Kelly to roll Layla up for the win.

Your Winners: Beth and Kelly via pinfall, in about 4 minutes.

After the Match: Michelle and Layla bickered some more, and as they got backstage, Layla said they needed counseling. Michelle thought that was stupid, since they're a tag team, not a married couple, but eventually promised to do it. So expect some lame-ass skit next week; unless they visit Dr. Stevie, I'm pretty sure it'll suck. And plus: who's calling for the break-up of LayCool? They're one of the few proven acts in WWE's women's division, so you want to break up a useful team to create two useless singles? Boo.

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I Hate Michael Cole (and Not in the Good Way)

Cole decides to get a live mic and get in the ring to brag. I've said it once and I'll say it again: his shtick had an expiration date of "WrestleMania 27," but WWE completely whiffed on realizing this, and now, who knows when the torture will end? You'd think the crowd unanimously turning against the Cole/Lawler match last Sunday would have helped our cause, but I guess not.

Cole blathered, Jack Swagger came out to take his share of the credit for Cole's "win," and then, just as you're about to hit the FF button again, here's Sin Cara dashing to the ring, entering using his trampampoline (which apparently has magical powers of appearing moments before Sin Cara makes a "surprise" run-in), and sends Swagger reeling with a few flippy moves. Michael Cole wants none of it, and retreats to his cubicle. Whee.

More Replay: this time, it's Austin's segment from RAW, with Miz's run in. Accompanied by Tough Enough hype from Booker and Mathews. Finger, meet FF button.

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Still More Replay: now, it's Hall of Fame recappening. A recap of the Monday highlights show, which was already edited to the point of lameness, with no real good parts left in. Just the sanitized parts, and not even the parts from the inductions anybody wanted to see. The sanitized parts of DREW f'n CAREY's speech. Which they put in the edited special even after the dude got booed out of the building last week. Because hyping his new game show was part of the deal to get him to do the HoF. And truly a winner is us, the fans. Oy.

Christian vs. Alberto del Rio (#1 Contender Match)

As they lock up, Edge saunters out and joins the commentary team (seems fair enough, since Brodus and Ricardo are already out in support of del Rio). Basic back and forthy type stuff for about 3 minutes -- all while Edge clarifies that he's rooting for Christian, but wouldn't mind another chance to take Alberto down a peg, if that's how it turns out -- and then Christian starts heating up. Baseball slide followed by a plancha, and Christian's up in the ring celebrating, while the ref is counting, and Alberto's dragging himself to his feet. A good spot for....

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Back, and Christian's still in command until the match spills back outside, and del Rio reverses a whip, and Christian slams into the steel ring steps. Mid-match heel beatdown is on, with a nominal focus on Christian's ribs. Body scissors by del Rio is a boring enough rest hold that WWE runs a crawler across the bottom of the screen. I've gotten really good at ignoring them, for the most part, but this one is different and catches my eye: "WWE would like to thank the North Carolina Film Commission for its assistance and hospitality."

Godfuckingdammit: it's one thing if you have to pretend not to be a wrestling company when you're in corporate meetings and to secure toy contracts, WWE. It's another to pretend you're not a wrestling company in the middle of wrestling matches. And THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE to the viewers. Christian may be an entertainer performing an exhibition in terms of the behind the scenes "reality" of the situation, but when he's on TV as part of SD, he is an entertainer playing the role of a WRESTLER, trying to win a WRESTLING MATCH. He's not an entertainer playing the role of an entertain, simulating an entertainmenting. Why be so self-loathing and insecure about that, to the point that you actually make it harder for viewers to get vested in your product, Vince? Why?

I could go on, but we're in the middle of a match, and my digression is now every bit an insult to my fine readers as WWE's ass-hattery. But hey: way to be, Vince... you went from paying large fees to state athletic commissions who wanted to regulate you as a sport, to getting tax cuts and other benefits from state film commissions who want you to bring your act to their state. Truly, the 0.7% difference this makes to your bottom line proves you are a business genius.

Once Christian begins his big comeback, it's pretty excellent stuff... both guys hit top rope moves, and then when Christian went up for a second, del Rio joined him and hit a superplex. Triple-revesey action finally landed Christian in del Rio's cross armbreaker, but Christian quickly got to the ropes for the break. Another mini-rally, and Christian again went up top, but was distracted by Brodus. That slowed Christian, until he saw Edge get up and come around the corner with a big Spear for Brodus... but the delay was just enough for del Rio to get up and knock Christian's legs out from under him. With Christian now seated (and stunned) on the top turnbuckle, del Rio did his run-up-the-ropes enziguiri to drop Christian to the mat... before Edge could untangle himself from Big Brodus, del Rio made a desperation pin attempt, and was able to keep Christian down for 3 off the super-enziguiri.

Your Winner and New #1 Contender: Alberto del Rio, via pinfall, in about 15 minutes. Really good, especially in the second half. The merest tease of Edge vs. Christian in a Match That Counts (now that they're both legit singles stars) added another layer of fun, too. Show ends with del Rio celebrating on the ramp, while Edge tends to Christian in the ring.

And so ended the show. Two good matches, with the main event being the better of the two, but certainly with TONS of inexcusable flab that created upwards of 20 minutes of Fast Forwardable material on top of the 40 minutes worth of commercials. That's just no way to create an overall satisfying feel... it's one thing to leave fans wanting more. It's an entirely other thing to leave them feeling like there should have been something more cuz there wasn't enough stuff in what they got. It ain't just semantics, either: one is a good thing, the other is bad.

See you again tomorrow night or Tuesday morning with the RAW Recap, kids...

RAW SATIRE: Nunzio, the Female Body Inspector

RAW RECAP: R-Truth is One Angry Black Man

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Terrorists Win

RAW SATIRE: Wrestling's Most Wanted

RAW RECAP: T-Minus 48 Weeks, and Counting

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2011

OOTRR: WWE Unforgiven 2004 Re-Revued

RAW SATIRE: WHAMMY'D~!

NEWSFLASH: 2011 WWE Draft Results

RAW RECAP: Now You See Him, Now You Still See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Edge's Busy Retirement

RAW SATIRE: England is Flavor Country

RAW RECAP: Changing Plans

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bittersweet Victory

RAW SATIRE: Who is Sin Cara?

RAW RECAP: Other Stuff Happened, Too

NEWSFLASH: Edge Retires

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Third Time's the Charm

RAW SATIRE: Think of the Children!

RAW RECAP: Cena and Rock Ask You to Save the Date

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 27

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT: A Throwback WrestleMania?

PYRO'S PPV CORNER: WrestleMania 27

RAW SATIRE: Big Red Tromboner

RAW RECAP: Finally...

RAW SATIRE: Thrown Under the Bus

NXT RECAP: Like a Cow Chewing its Own Cud...

RAW RECAP: Sweet Sweet Vengeance

RAW SATIRE: Jersey Wisdom?

NXT RECAP: The Case for William Regal

RAW RECAP: Miz = Winning

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Who Won NXT, Again?

RAW SATIRE: G-Rilla is Here!

NXT RECAP: Is This Really Necessary?

RAW RECAP: The Soul Crushing Finale

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Christian to the Rescue (Again)

RAW SATIRE: Miz's Addition by Subtraction Theatre

NXT RECAP: Johnny Curtis?!? Really?!?

RAW RECAP: Phoning it In

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hasta la Vista, Vickie

RAW SATIRE: Scandal in the Tag Ranks

NXT RECAP: What the What?!?

RAW RECAP: Silence is Golden

OO: What I'll Remember About Chris Benoit

NEWS CENTRAL: All Updates About Benoit Tragedy

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.