Last Week: That WWE Draft thing happened, and everybody was shocked when RAW traded all their draft picks to the Atlanta Falcons. Also, John Cena wound up getting drafted by Tough Enough, but won the WWE Spinnin’ Title anyway. Also, Randy Orton was abducted by aliens. Or something. Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Some guy died. Here’s Lilian Garcia to sing a song. Remember her? Honestly, I think she’s just here to finally get a hold of some of The Rock’s strudel!

Shannon Moore: And I would’ve gotten away with it to if it weren’t for you meddling kids! Or…That Mountie.

Rock: Whatever you say, jabronie. When the Rock was a baby in Hawaii, he karate kicked right though his birth certificate, shined it up real nice, and stuffed that thing right back in his mom, all the while looking like the love child of Maven and The Mountie. If you smell-la-la-la-

Michael Cole: Hold on a sec. If I can have your attention, please? RAW General Manager Demon Girl just e-mailed me, that when you were last around she actually was a baby, so she doesn’t remember anything about you.

Rock: Why don’t you come up here and say that to my face, Cole. You wrestle now, right? You started out as a hermaphrodite and then you transitioned into being a cheap copy of The Rock that can’t even do the Charleston right.

Cole: Ok, Rock, that was Kevin Kelly and Jonathan Coachman respectively. Do you even know who I am?

Rock: Uuuuuuh…Sure? J…Joey?

Cole tears off his suit.

Cole: Remember me now, Rock?! You remember me now?!!

Rock: Toooooddd Grisham?

Cole throws on a Celtics jersey, ‘cuz there ain’t no heat like cheap sports heat (or, as the case may be, Heat).

Cole: No, jerk, my name is-

Rock: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHICH SPORTS TEAM YOU LIKE! Or whatever, I’m not doing anything but phoning in a promo against Michael Cole.

Cole: You do rememb-

ROCK BOTTOM TO COLE~!

Rock: Now, here’s some rapper guy!

Bull Buchanon: Ok, I honestly don’t know what I’m doing out here right now. I wasn’t even really rapping even when I was with Cena.

Layla El Layla: You’re confused? I thought I was going to get to hang out with the Heat Cheerleaders.

Elsewhere….

Dwayne Wade: You want to wish Rock a “Happy Birthday?”

LeBron James: Nah, let’s get Bosh to do it?

Wade: Who?

LeBron: Hahahahahahahaha!

Wade: Hahahahahahahaha!

Chris Bosh: What’re we laughing about, guys?

Wade: Um….Mike….Miller.

Bosh: Hahahaha! White people can’t play basketball!

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John Morrison vs. R-Truth

The match never gets underway, because Truth is backstage and he won’t stop smoking and drinking water. Morrison goes back to get him, but Truth shoves an entire carton of smokes in his mouth and starts pouring water down his nose. Morrison is rightly grossed out by all this nonsense, and starts to complain about how “The Truth” used to stand for learning the truth about the dangers of smoking. Then R-Truth gets all embarrassed and kicks Morrison in the face. Twice.

(ads)

Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly Kelly

Jimmy Kimmel confuses Rock with Chris Jericho, which is entirely understandable. Does anybody else find it sort of nice that WWE was right on the Twitter curve? I mean, they weren’t ahead of it or anything crazy, but you know what? It’s not, like, “Guess what you guys? WWE Just Took Over MySpace!” either. I mean, I like to give them credit for doing something right every once in a while. If you’re wondering why I’m not talking about this match…don’t. Then Awesome Kharma jogs out and beats the crap out of these two after about ten seconds. Then she specifically only attacks Maryse. I think it’s because she’s French Canadian!

Backstage….

Alex Riley: Have you seen the traffic out there? This is the worst bat mitzvah ever.

The Miz: Where the hell were you last night?

Riley: Weren’t you paying attention? I got drafted over to Smackdown, man. Sorry, but I’m forming a “former lackies” stable with G-Rilla.

Miz: Are you stupid? I mean, just because the writers are stupid doesn’t mean that you have to be stupid. YOU DON’T WORK FOR WWE! YOU GOT FIRED! You work for me specifically. And since, as far as I know, “The Miz” is not a WWE brand you can be drafted to or from, though it should be.

Riley: Oh. I guess I never really thought of that.

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Samuel L. Jackson: Man, The Rock really knows how to throw a Goddamn bat mitzvah.

Backstage….

Rosa Mendes: Happy birthday, Rock!

The Rock: Thanks, Lillian!

Vladamir Kozlov: Hey, Rock, will you try to get my sitcom with Santino pushed through USA Network? We’ve been waiting for years now! I don’t even think Beth Phoenix still works here!

Beth Phoenix: OBJECTION! I do so work here!

Hornswoggle: Let’s film the Gridiron Gang 2! I’ll be the dangerous pro athlete, and you be the kid that warms the cockles of my heart!

The Great Khali: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

The Rock: Boris Zhukov! Sable! Hornswoggle! That…guy from Get Smart. Sorry you’re leaving, The Office, man.

Ron Simmons: You still owe me a watch or something, man.

Backstage, The Miz is…Mizzing. That sounds gross.

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Steve Carrell: Growing up in the Punjab region of India was hard. Thanks a LOT, The Rock.

The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) vs. John Cena
For the WWE Spinnin’ Title

A match? On this show? What do they think this is, Internet Superstars? Cena breaks out a dropkick for the occasion. Happy birthday, The Rock! Riley tries to insert himself into the contest, but he’s been drafted to working for Jey Uso. Man, does that mean he’s going to start dating Santino now? Cena bails out and Riley hits him on his way out. You know. Just because. I really don’t think he needs to explain taking a shot at Cena. Miz with a punch as well. Hoo, man. This sure has been some hot action, let’s pace ourselves.

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J.R. is bitching like a crotchety old man that Miz didn’t angle for a PPV payoff by invoking his rematch clause for a midcard match on some random RAW. Me? I would’ve invoked it during the opening match at a house show. I would’ve been sure to win the title back! Riley is back out at ringside, having been drafted by WWE RAW Referee Mi-Mi-Mi-Mike Chioda. Cena gets Miz up for the Attitude Adjustment, but Miz whacks him in the face with the belt. Miz rolls over for the win! MIZ IS THE SPINNIN’ CHAMPION AGAIN! But wait! SHOCKING SWERVE~! Riley works for Chioda, and he saw Miz use the belt. So, Cena wins by DQ! Match of the Year!

Ellen DeGeneres: What can Steven Tyler do that I can’t do? Really! I’m ten times the lesbian he is.

(ads)

Tyler Perry: How have I not done Medea’s Big Wrestling Match yet? Anyway, check out Tyler Perry’s Santino and Kozlov coming soon to USA.

Rey Misterio and Kofi Johnston vs. Drew McIntyre and Jack Swagger

Alberto Del Rio is announced down to the ring by Ricardo Rodriguez. Ricardo says more in his introduction than ADR says in his entire commentary run here. Except that Rey is a Chihuahua. Which J.R. takes serious offense to, for some reason. Maybe he’s just a huge Taco Bell fan. Kofi, shockingly, is still Shelton. Hasn’t he learned by now? I mean, yeah, the U.S. Title is great, and all, but at the end of the day, all that makes you is Kofi Johnston, and who wants that?

(ads)

This is, I know, our first look at Monday Night RAW’s newest Superstar Drew McIntyre, a big tall guy with a pony tail. He’s like Test with an accent! That is pretty much the best and worst I can say about the poor guy. They even have similar taste in women. Kofi starts backflipping around the ring like he’s Jay Lethal (Man, STOP! Do you want to get fired?) and tags in Rey, who beats up Drew. Misterio with an awful splash for the win. Alberto Del Rio leaves the commentary table after only saying, “Rey Misterio kind of looks like a Chihuahua, don’t you think? If you squint a little.”

If there’s one thing Triple H wants to stop, it’s bullying. Woah! Pittsburgh Steeler’s coach Mike Tomlin and That Little Girl Who Used to Own RAW!

Ludacris: Happy Birthday, Tha Trademarc!

(ads)

Dan Marino: Dwayne? Wasn’t that our kicker?

Oh, man, I can’t wait for Smackdown! When I’ll get to find out who the World Heavyweight Champion is!

Chris Tian: I can’t believe I’m the World Heavyweight Champion.

The Rock: Me neither! Great job, Gangrel. I always knew you had it in you.

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Excuse me!

Rock: Who the hell are all these people showing up to my birthday party?

Guerrero: We brought you a cake, Rock!

Dolph Ziggler: Sorry, man, I couldn’t find a briefcase on such short notice.

Rock: Aw, Bertha, Cody, I knew you guys didn’t forget about me. So what’s the deal with the fake cake? You got Mae Young in there?

Mae Young: Yep.

Guerrero: Mae! You weren’t supposed to ruin the surprise!

Rock: That’s ok, The Rock has kissed Mae Young’s cigarettey gramma lips so many times, he’s become immune to them. Give me a smooch, Mae!

Rock leans in for a kiss, but is shoved away by, R-Truth.

R-Truth: Flavor country, bitches!

John Cena: I brought you a birthday present too, Rock.

Rock: Sweet Pokeballs on Christmas eve, tell me it’s not a rap.

Cena: No! It’s not! A rap. Ok, it was a rap. But now I’ll just show you the WWE Spinnin’ Title. You want this? You gotta come to Wrestlemania to claim it! Booyah!

Rock: I…don’t really want it.

Backstage, Rock’s birthday party clearly needs a little more Kane, but he’s not really a “party” person.

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George Lopez: Well, one thing I can say for The Rock, his Hollywood career went better than mine. Enjoy Late Night cable, Rock!

Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk) vs. Kane

You can count in CM Punk’s eyes how many days he has left before he can bail on this inevitable feud with Mason Ryan and go touring as the new drummer for Paramore. It’s going to be so righteous, bros! There’s going to be Pepsi everywhere, and, like, go carts. He actually stops paying attention before the bell even rings and wanders off to learn how to play drums. Then he comes back and breaks a drumstick over Kane’s head. So long as he saves the chocolate part in the end. That’s the best part! The Rest of The New Nexus (100% Gluten Free) rushes the ring to force Kane to attend the party, but The Big Show comes out, because he respects Kane’s right to wallflower. Mason Ryan, however, is not having any of this, and Spears Show, and then carries Kane off to enjoy some cake. Oh no!

Regis Philbin: It’s the Rock’s birthday?! Mine too!

Kelly Ripa: Really?! I didn’t know that, how old are you?

Regis: Shut up. I don’t have to pretend to like you any more.

(ads)

Craig Ferguson: The Rock? He’s no Kristen Bell, that’s for sure.

Finally, The Rock has come back to the ring. Hey, Mason Ryan vs. Kane main evented RAW! Somebody owes me, like, $2. Which is great, because I’m broke and unemployed again!

The Rock: Somebody buy my T-Shirt. All proceeds from my T-Shirt will go to building a second, smaller bathroom inside by basement bathroom office. The Rock needs somewhere to sit and think quietly by himself. So anyway, thanks for all the birthday Tweets and whatever, and thanks to my family for sitting through this hot mess. And thanks most of all to the WWE Superstars for reminding me once again, why I left this in the first place.

Vince McMahon: Rock, I just had to come out here myself, because we probably won’t see you again until five minutes before Wrestlemania next year, at which point you’ll say, “I have a match?!” Hahahaha…Because you’re kind of a dick, that way, Rock. But quite frankly, I don’t care, because every time you put out a crappy movie that makes a two week run in theatres, I can point to that and say, “I bet Cody Rhodes could do that!” and that’s how WWE Films got started. So thank you, Rock. Thanks for nothing.

And here’s a video package of clips from The Rock’s life. I think they just stole this from Mick Foley’s basement. And half of these clips are just The Rock action figures being crashed into Hardcore Holly action figures on some kid’s bed. But Rock seems to like it. Then Mya comes out to sing “Happy Birthday” to him. Oh, they shelled out for the rights to it! Wow! Oh, and you know Mya. Remember the Lady Marmalade video? Well, she was one of the girls. Not that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or Missy Elliot. The other one. Still don’t remember? Well…It doesn’t really matter.

Next Week: Alex Riley is accidentally drafted to Alex Riley, and the universe folds in upon itself. Alberto Del Rio becomes RAW’s new full-time color commentator. And Bull Buchanan finally learns how to rap.