Oh, wait, one thing before I do. Per Rick’s suggestion last night in his editor’s note, if you ARE indeed a hardcore stat fan, the stat-based games from Out of the Park Development, especially the Out of the Park Baseball series, are absolutely fantastic. And MMA and professional wrestling fans should check out Grey Dog Software, where you serve as being the head booker. The pro wrestling series, called Total Extreme Warfare, is especially fascinating as you have to juggle egos in addition to turning a profitable business. 

Ah, the joy of firing someone simply because he farted in the locker room… priceless. If only WWE management was that hardcore in regards to Randy Orton. OO’s very own Matt Hocking has even reviewed a couple of them in the past, and the newest ones are even better.

You can check out their websites here and here, and if you ever get Title Bout Championship Boxing 2, check out the “Thanks To” part of the credits. Yes, that IS the same PyroFalkon who is talking to you now. I’ve had my fingers in so many gaming pies over the years that my fingernails have become petri dishes.

Anyway, back to wrestling and drinking. Let’s roll!

Opening: It seems that Lucky Cannon thought it would be a good idea to pose by lying down and stretching like a diva during the opening title sequence of NXT5. I’m going need some bleach for my brain.

Segment 1: Matt Striker and Maryse are in the ring, and introduce all six rookie/pro pairings. The rookies hit the ring presently, while the pros stay on the stage. Maryse opens by saying that not only with the rookie who wins this will get on NXT6, but he’ll be able to pick his pro too. So, uh, high stakes for what NXT is, I guess.

So our first challenge is “Talk the Talk,” which I’d love, except for the fact that everyone’s topic tonight is to talk about themselves.

Jacob Novak goes first, and gets immediately booed before he even starts talking, which I find hilarious, and also tells me his chances. Novak decides to rap, to massive boos, and it is truly terrible. JTG makes it worse by doing his “Yeah!” every stanza. William Regal says “I want to say something good about him, but really I just want to get in the ring and punch him in the mouth.” Fucking A, people!

Darren Young goes second, does a good job and puts himself over from next to the front row. It works, but was nothing amazing.

Conor O’Brian goes third, and tries to get some cheap pops, but it doesn’t really work. His theme here is that he is now living his dream, and he proves we all can to… It would have been awesome in 80s, but it just seems weird now. At least he’s dropped the rat crap.

Byron Saxton goes fourth, and does a quick job. He gets some cheap pops and says that Lucky’s feathered boa shows he “stole his wardrobe from Lady Gaga Express,” which was sweet.

Lucky goes fifth and tries to be a heel, and he’s booed, but I think it’s more because he’s a moron than because he’s effective.

Titus O’Neil goes sixth, and he gives a rather convincing, relaxing speech about how he was the first one gone from NXT2, but this season is different and is so totally his. Then he does a Hornswoggle impression, which gets an absurd number of cheers. Strange.

Maryse leads the party and asks the crowd who they think won, and Striker calls it for Titus… although it was pretty even between him and Saxton. I guess the Horny impression won them over.

Actually, as I type that, Regal says damn near the most intuitive comment I’ve ever heard on WWE commentary since Tazz left. When Todd asks what the hell Titus even said with all the grunting and barking, Regal points out that what you say doesn’t really matter; what matters in WWE is connecting to the fans, and the fans obviously—for whatever reason—like both Titus and Horny, so it works for them regardless of the exact words they say or the exact moves they’ll do in the ring.

Can we get Regal to be a permanent commentator somewhere? I’m already very impressed.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Darren Young (w/ Chavo Guerrero) defeats Conor O’Brian (w/ Vladimir Kozlov) by pin. Damn fine match. The story was all about arm-related offense against Darren, but he managed to rally a comeback. His finisher was a pretty sweet, sick move: he got Conor up on his shoulders (aka the FU position), but then dropped him forward and fell backwards, bringing his knees up and driving them into Conor’s stomach. So it was like a modified Codebreaker into a gutbuster, pretty damn awesome. Conor looked pretty good though, better than literally in all his matches in NXT4, so he’s definitely managed some improvement.

Segment 3: Maryse is talking French in the back, and Yoshi Tatsu comes up to her. He hits on Maryse lightly, saying that she’s way totally better than Matt Striker, and is totally prettier. She giggles and says she hopes so, and is a little light and chirpy in her speech. So hot.

Well, then Lucky Cannon arrives and apologizes for being an ass last week. She agrees he was a jerk, but seems to accept his apology. She then lightly tells Yoshi goodbye with a big, genuine smile, and leaves.

And as the guys watch her go, Lucky leans over and says that Yoshi so totally won’t get Maryse, because Yoshi isn’t lucky. So intimidating.

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: Lucky Cannon & Tyson Kidd defeat Byron Saxton & Yoshi Tatsu by pin. Decent enough match I guess, but the ending was weird. Tyson was the legal man and had Byron set up for something, and went to the apron to do some finisher. But then Lucky tagged himself in… but they were both on the apron, so I’m not entirely sure that’s legal. Either way, Lucky got in the ring and did a decent enough finisher. He had Byron in the Samoan Slam position (sorta crucified on his back), and then Lucky did basically a reverse FU type of move that made Byron fly off the crucifix and land on his back. The move was solid, but the setup was weird, so… I dunno.

Cut Scene: I have to watch the replay of Snooki from last night. Wonderful. As if New Jersey isn’t on my mind enough today. Fuck that whole side of the country. I hate Snooki, I hate Jersey Shore, I hate that WWE feels the need to put Snooki in WrestleMania, I hate the fact that she’s a New York Times best-selling author, I hate it all.

…Man, I am full hate today. Oh well.

Segment 5: Time for our second challenge of the night. This one is the “St. Patrick’s Day Keg Carry,” which as I’m sure you can guess, I’m not recapping in detail. Maryse sounds completely bored as she introduces the thing.

Regal: “I would give a year’s salary to watch Hornswoggle do this. That would amuse me greatly.” So awesome, especially with the British accent.

Lucky says that he totally won this last time around… and doesn’t need to this time, so instead he decides to recite a poem in French. Whatever he says, it makes Maryse want to throw up. She motions him to get closer to her, probably so she can do her awesome hand flip, but Lucky just strokes her hair. She encourages him, with a look of death, to touch her hair again… which he does, so she slaps a tooth out of his mouth. Lucky is in love, in fact saying how much he digs her since he’s “never been treated like this.” Ugh. Douchebags always get the girls.

Titus goes last. Prior to the whole contest starting, they showed the last time Titus was in the keg carry, where he kissed the black mats within a nanosecond of starting. So to go along with our whole “NXT Redemption” theme, Titus does his lap, and not only doesn’t faceplant, he actually wins the thing! Good for him.

And good for us, because, uh, that’s it.

Final Thoughts: Meh, about par for the course on the episode, really. Darren Young is an early standout wrestling-wise, or whatever. I don’t care. I’m withholding Pyro’s Picks another week so I can see all six guys in action before I pass my stupid judgments that nobody takes seriously. So I’ll see you next week, and Friday for SmackDown. Have a good week, all.