OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

SMACKDOWN RECAP
A Victory That Reeks of Bittersweet
April 16, 2011

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of Online Onslaught

So maybe you heard about the Online Poker Crackdown of Ultimate Justice by the FBI.... I know I did. Then again, I play on PokerStars, so I am a more than interested party in this little story.

Thing is, after reading the articles that have been published so far, I'm still 100% clueless about the ONLY thing that really fricking matters...

Namely, MY MONEY.

Did I just lose my entire bankroll, or is my money still my money? I know I can still play poker with my money, as PokerStars is fully operational, gaming-wise. But if I try to cash out and get away from the crooks, will I be surprised to find out that's been confiscated by the FBI, too?

I know the feds make it sound like the people who operate these online games were doing something dirty with their profits, but speaking as a player: I never had a problem as far as my money went. I was always 100% aware of what it cost to play, and I had a 100% success rate of getting my winnings paid out to me when I wanted to cash out part of my bank roll.

If that 100% success rate takes a hit because of the goddamned feds, I shall be rather put out. They're supposed to be the Good Guys, so I'm hoping that once somebody sorts all this out and tells us, the Players, what's going on, we don't find out that the Good Guys ended up being the ones to take our money away from us.

End rant. Here's SmackDown...

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're taped in Albany. And it's Booker and Mathews on commentary, with Cole still in his cubicle supplying inane yapping to distract from the commentary. And there's no more time to dawdle, because Ricardo Rodriguez is in the ring, wanting to introduce us to somebody... but you already knew that.

Alberto del Rio's "Me Wanty" Theatre

Alberto drives in, exits his car, and heads to the ring as the announces tell us Edge is here tonight to relinquish his World Heavyweight Title, but that's not till later, so they wonder what del Rio could be doing here to open the show.

After reminding us of his name, del Rio reveals he's here to cut to the chase and just have Edge hand him the title, like a man. It's not the way Alberto wanted to do it, he wanted to prove himself by beating Edge at Extreme Rules. Alberto feels he deserves the credit and honor that go with beating an 11 time world champ, but if he can't have that, so be it.

Enter General Manager Teddy Long, who is not having any of this happy crappy. World Titles don't just get handed over. They are earned. They are won. That's just how TL rolls. Alberto sort of agrees, but points out that he earned the right to be #1 Contender, and if Edge can't wrestle, then del Rio should be the new champ via forfeit.

Not so, sayeth Teddy. Alberto won a chance to fight for the title in a Ladder Match at Extreme Rules. That's all he won, and he still has it... it's just that Teddy wants to find another worthy competitor to face del Rio at the PPV for the now-vacant title. To that end, Teddy declares a 20 Man #1 Contender Battle Royale will take place later tonight. The winner faces del Rio for the belt at the PPV.

Alberto declares this is horseplop, and a conspriacy against him. Teddy assures him it's no such thing; it's just how things are gonna be... so del Rio flips a switch and goes into Dick Mode. Gone is the patronizing smile and smarminess, replaced by intensity, as he says "Fine, if that's how we're doing it, then I'm just gonna be honest and tell you that I'm HAPPY Edge is done, and I'm PROUD I'm the one who retired him. It was his destiny to be a cripple, and it's my destiny to do the same thing to whoever faces me at Extreme Rules when I become the World Champion."

Teddy digests that bit of bluster and decides to retort "No, it's your destiny to shut up." And then play Teddy's music. Just like that. Kind of odd, since I don't remember Teddy being the king of one-liners, but whatever... segment served it's purpose of setting up tonight's main event while keeping plenty of heat on del Rio.

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Kofi Kingston vs. Ezekiel Jackson

The rest of the Corre (IC Champ Barrett, tag champs Slater/Gabriel) are on guest commentary, and right off the bat can't agree on what role Zeke plays for them. Wade derides Zeke's intelligence, while Slater/Gabriel say he's the muscle of the group and what's brains got to do with that, huh, Wade? Dissension. We get it.

Zeke overpowers Kofi for about 3 minutes, then it spills out to ringside. The brawl ends with Zeke press-slamming Kofi onto Barrett/Slater/Gabriel, and then grinning in the proverbial shit-eating manner. The Corre aren't happy, though. Kofi gets back into the ring and starts a rally... but Barrett finally disengages from the wreckage behind the commentary desk, and tries to get in the ring. Both Kofi and the ref are distracted, allowing Zeke to recover and clubber Kofi from behind. Then he hits his quasi-Rock-Bottom finisher, and it's all over.

Your Winner: Zeke Jackson, via pinfall, in 4-5 minutes. I'm sure some will moan about Kofi being buried or wasted or whatever, but the story here is dissension in the Corre, and then Barrett unwittingly helping Zeke to win.

After the Match: Zeke gets on the mic and puts everybody on notice that he will be winning the Battle Royale later tonight, and then go on to Extreme Rules to prove he is the "Personification of Domination." He goes out of his way to make sure Barrett/Slater/Gabriel know that he'll be playing no favorites.

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Earlier This Week: Michelle McCool and Layla went to some kind of couples therapy, except the therapist was never seen on camera and only heard to speak one sentence... the rest was shallow, petty bickering between LayCool, with Michelle being bitchy/antagonistic and Layla being optimistic/friendly. Whee.

Blah Blah Blah

Cody Rhodes hits the ring to cut a promo. In the shadows, with the lights out and his face hidden under the hood of his windbreaker. He says he thought he'd get satisfaction from beating Rey at WrestleMania, but he's not yet at peace... so he blathers about how he'll win the Battle Royale tonight, and maybe winning the World Title will placate him.

Then he shifts gears, because maybe accomplishments in the ring won't EVER satisfy him, because his pain stems from what Rey did to him: disfiguring him, and turning him into a monster. Somehow, this tangent turns into Cody talking about Rey tucking his kids in, telling them there's no such things as monsters. But there are monsters, and Rey himself was responsible for creating one of them, and now he promises Rey's kids that he won't rest until their daddy's face looks like this.... Cody pulls back the hood of his windbreaker to reveal the face that looks the exact same as it ever did. OMG DRAMA~!

Thank christ, here's Rey to confront Cody about mentioning his kids, or whatever... a quick scuffle ends with Rey getting the upper hand (he managed some kind of quasi-(619) where he hit the move to Cody's stomach, instead of his face), and then Rhodes scurrying away.

I've said it before: Cody's gimmick is just a few degrees off... he's a buffoon for thinking he's disfigured, and the fans should be allowed to call him a buffoon since he's made the odd choice of wearing a clear face mask to prove he still looks the same as ever. Instead, we're being asked to take him seriously. He isn't "Mankind," who was psychologically scarred and convinced he was a freak to the point he wore a leather mask, and thus could sell the serious/disturbed gimmick... he's a male butterface, who once thought he was pretty, and now thinks he's disfigured, even though nothing actually happened to change his appearance, and we can all see nothing happened. Make a tweak, and maybe that's something worth booing about. As it is, boring as hell.

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Rey Mysterio vs. Drew McIntyre

Rey just hung around after his attack on Rhodes, and now we've got us our regularly scheduled match. Basic speed vs. power stuff, as they go back and forth for the opening 3-4 minutes, with power eventually winning out. Heel beatdown is on. It spills outside, and Rey still can't get a foothold. Drew slingshots Rey into the ringside barricade, where he splats quick viciously. Rey is out of it, and Drew is admiring his handiwork, so let's break for....

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Still 100% Drew. Unless you're Booker T, in which case, it's 100% Wade Barrett. Yep: Booker confused the two. I'd say that bodes ill for his commentary future, but the truth is, if he gets the axe, it won't be for mixing up two limeys... it'll be because he keeps using Forbidden Words that almost make it sound like he works for a Wrestling Company, instead of a MultiPlatform Entertainment Congomerate. Shame on you, Booker. [/sarcasm]

About 12 minutes in, one of Rey's hope spots finally finds traction, and he goes on a flashy rally. Turns into a bit more back-and-forth as you sense End Game, what with reversals and near falls. That leads up to a neat spot where Drew goes for Snake Eyes, but Rey blocks with his hands and lands with his feet on the second turnbuckle, and he springs off, turns in mid-air, and lands a tornado DDT on Drew. Neat move. Still only good for a 2-count, though.

Another exchange in an adjacent corner, and Rey triple-reverses things so that Drew ends up in (619) position. He hits it, then adds a top rop splash (albeit an awkward one, as Drew sold the (619) by stumbling backwards, and he was still on his feet when Rey leapt, but fell down in time to be in the right spot when Rey landed. I'm probably not explaining that clearly, but trust me, it looks kinda funky.

Your Winner: Rey Mysterio, via pinfall, in 15 mintues. Really good free TV match, and gives Rey a boost heading into the Battle Royale where you have to figure most fans would view him as the favorite to win and resume his rivaly with del Rio.

Backstage: Edge is heading to the ring, and once again has hugs and handshakes for various co-workers. A bit of tension when he comes to Kane, but the on-screen rivals (including last year's Spectacle Of Silliness w/ Paul Bearer) are actually super-best-friends in real life, so they shook hands, too.

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Video Package: an Edge Career Retrospective, with tons of cool moments (even some decidedly non-PG-rated ones involving flaming tables and Lita at her skanky best), but set to some unfortunately weak-ass music.

Retirement 2: Electric Boogaloo

Edge hits the ring, this time decked out in a sports coat for the official vacating of his title. I did this on Monday, so I might as well just let the man speak for himself again:

For those of you that may have missed it, it's true: I am being forced to retire. What it's made me do is open my eyes to everything again, you know, and really soak all of these experiences up. It's almost like I'm seeing this all again for the very first time, like my entrance.

I've been involved in some of the most insane matches in the history of the WWE. Some of the most insane moments, whether it was helping to create the TLC match, whether it was 20-foot SuperSpears, diving into flaming tables with thumbtacks in my back, whether it was Elimination Chamber matches, or Hell in a Cell matches with the Undertaker. No matter what, every time that I was going into a match like that, or taking red eye flights and been up all night or for two days because of our travel schedule.

No matter what, as soon as I came down that ramp with my music playing... I may be biased but it is the coolest music in WWE, and I have to thank the guys from Alterbridge for giving me that song. No matter what, and hearing you guys, all of you, feeding me that energy.... every time I came out here, you guys gave me goose bumps. I have to do that one more time. If you guys will bear with me, I'm going back there and do that one last time.

[and yep, Edge really did leave the ring, head backstage, and then his music fired up, and he did his full entrance, maybe hamming it up by an extra 10% or so.... or maybe it just seemed like it was over-the-top since you're not used to seeing Edge do it in a suit... once he's satisfied with the moment, he gets back on the mic, and is panting... so I think maybe he did put a little extra stank on it...]

Man I got out of shape already! That tired me out!

Listen, since I announced my retirement, the outpouring of everyone from the WWE Universe has been insane and awesome. A lot of people are sad and disappointed that my career was forced to come to an end, but I think everyone is actually happy and positive that WWE and our team of doctors caught this before I was in a ladder match and I landed and couldn't get up. So that's good – that's a positive. I'm happy about that.

I'm happy about looking at the rest of my life from here. I'm happy about the fact that me and my girl are going to take the dogs and go hiking in the mountains, go surfing down in Nicaragua. I can't wait. I'm happy about the fact that I get to wear one of my two suits. I'm not much of a suit guy, as you can tell. I figured if I was going out, I might as well go out in style. By the way: I bought it for $100 at JCPenney.

I'm also happy that I got to come to Albany. I really am. I'm not just blowing smoke because Albany holds a special place for me. This is where I won my very first WWE Championship. It's a little known fact but I was sitting in Albany in a rental car when I came up with the name Edge.

What makes me most happy, and this is going to be the tough part, is that my mom could be here tonight. There she is right there. She's going to be all shy and timid and everything but that is the strongest woman that I have ever met. That woman right there..."

[the crowd gets an OO Gold Star for firing up a "Thank You, Mom" chant]

She instilled the strength in me to make it this far, to come through the broken necks and the torn Achilles tendons. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be standing here right now. Without her support over the years , I wouldn't be able to do it. Maybe everyone here give their moms a call tonight.

And last, I'm happy to be here in front of you. I don't want it to get all sappy and corny -- though it already has -- but to me, this World Heavyweight Championship has meant absolutely everything to me. I worked my entire career to hold this. But, it's not just mine, it never has been. It's not anyone else's in that locker room. To me, each and every one of you holds a piece of this; it's symbolic.

But now it's time for me to come out here and do what I have to do, and that is relinquish the World Heavyweight Championship.

[a ringside fan yells "No, don't do it."]

It's cool. I got to do it, man.

In closing: I really, really just want to thank all of you because this has been one hell of a career and it's been one hell of a ride. Thank you. Thank you very much.

And once again, I think those thanks need to be reversed. Thank YOU, Edge.

By the way, during Edge's second re-entrance, even Cole settled down long enough to join Booker and Josh in hard-selling what an amazing career Edge had. The didn't list 'em all, but they got most. I'll give you the rest. Dig this list:

11 World Titles (7 World Heavyweight Titles, 4 WWE Titles)
5 InterContinental Titles
1 US Title
14 Tag Titles with 6 different partners (7 with Christian, 2 each with Jericho, Benoit, and Rey, 1 with Orton, and 1 dream-come-true reign with his childhood hero Hulk Hogan)

On top of that, he is the only guy in WWF/E history to win the three biggest non-championship honors of King of the Ring (2001), Money in the Bank (2005), and the Royal Rumble (2010). You can credit him with 2 Slammys, as well. And he's the man who defeated Kurt Angle and caused him to go with the cueball look.

That's a hell of a resume for a guy who was on the job for a little less than 13 (injury-riddled) years. And it doesn't take into account the level of entertainment Edge provided for us while chalking up all those honors for himself. Few guys can say they've been as decorated as Edge, but even fewer can say they performed as consistently excellently as he did.

Like we've been saying: Thank you, Edgeward. Thanks a bunch.

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Backstage: Rosa Mendez is saying stuff in Spanish, which Edge clearly doesn't understand, but that's OK because he likes her bOObies. Once she stops and provide a bit of translation, she stutters to a halt... turns out Alberto del Rio is standing behind Edge. The two go nose to nose, then del Rio steps back, busts out his cheezy smile, and extends a hand. Edge thinks about it, but does not shake it. Edge walks away, as the fans cheer his poor manners.

Kelly Kelly vs. Layla

Michelle McCool is on commentary, badmouthing Layla and acting chummy with Cole. A couple minutes of non-descript action, and then the match spills outside, right in front of McCool. The ref's count is up to 8 when Kelly hits a facebuster on Layla. Kelly gets back in the ring, and Layla's about to get counted out when Michelle gets up and rolls Layla into the ring. Kelly doesn't even bother hitting another move, she just wraps Layla up, and gets the pinfall.

Your Winner: Kelly Kelly, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. Match wasn't anything to speak of. It was merely the plot device used to further the on-going break-up of LayCool. Meh.

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20 Man Battle Royale to Determine Alberto del Rio's PPV Opponent for the Vacant World Heavyweight Championship

Battle Royales are tough to recap. So I'll half ass it.

First segment was all about Big Show dominating... he eliminated 4-5 guys in a row to start, and then locked horns with big Zeke Jackson. In mustering up the power to eliminate Zeke, Show's clothesline was so mighty that his momentum took him out over the top rope, too. With Show looking disappointed in his miscalculation, we cut to...

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Second segment was all about thinning the herd... Kane and Brodus Clay did most of the work, until they were the only two men standing. Another showdown of monsters for the fans to focus on. Kane gets the better of it, and sends Brodus out, deeply upsetting del Rio (who I forget to tell you came to sit at ringside). Let's see more...

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Third and final segment. Barrett and Gabriel team up to dump Kane out of the ring, but shortly thereafter, Barrett's teetering on the ropes after an exchange with Chris F. Masters, and Gabriel dumps him. MORE CORRE DISSENSION~!

Christian finally gets noticed, as he dumps a few chumpstains, including Tyler Recks. Cole starts wildly cheering for Jack Swagger, trying to prove he's a changed man since Monday (where he slapped Swagger), since he'll need Swagger's help to deal with Lawler at the next PPV. And eventually, we're down to a final four of Rey Mysterio, Christian, Swagger, and Gabriel.

Christian locks up with Gabriel, Rey with Swagger. Christian eliminates Gabriel, and then just sort of fades into the background as Rey sets up Swagger for the (619).... Cole springs out of the Cubicle to "hug" Swagger, and Cole takes the full brunt of the (619), thus saving Swagger in an attempt to curry favor. Swagger capitalizes the tossing Rey after some double-reversey flippy action. So we're down to two.

Swagger turns his attention to Christian, who for some reason is motionless on the mat in PERFECT position for the SwaggerBomb... and sure enough: it's a trap. He's playing possum, and catches Swagger from behind... the two end up teetering in the ropes for a couple of teases, until both tumble back into the ring, where Swagger tries to apply an ankle lock. Christian is able to escape by using the ropes for leverage... but del Rio gets up from his ringside seat, and starts trying to pull Christian's ankle off of the apron, all while Swagger is getting a running start to tackle Christian off the apron.

But the crafty veteran times everything perfectly, and drops down onto his ass (keep one foot off the floor), landing on the apron, and pulling the top rope down at the same time, causing Swagger to go flying over the top and almost onto del Rio. We have a wiener!

Your Winner and New Alberto del Rio Opponent: Christian, via survival, in about 25 minutes. They did enough compartmentalized "set pieces" in the first two segments, and things were interesting enough once the herd was thinning down to the final 6 or 8, so this was a notch above a standard blah-tastic Battle Royale. But it was still a Battle Royale.... Christian winning was the perfect way to go, as anyone who avoided spoilers would almost certainly have been thinking either Rey or Big Show would be the likely guys to headline against del Rio. But nope: they did the cool/right thing.... revived the Christian/del Rio story after last week's #1 Contender match seemed to put a nail in the coffin.

After the Match: Edge came out and hugged his lifelong buddy, and it was clear it was a bittersweet moment for Christian to have earned a world title shot, but only because his best friend had to retire. Once they hugged it out, then turned their attention to del Rio, who had recovered and gotten up to stand on the commentary table. He gestured (broadly) that he wants the belt (which was sitting on a velvet-y red podium next to him), and Christian gestured back that it wasn't gonna be easy.

Most interestingly, Edge stood right behind him, adding his own deathstare. Edge is currently on the European Tour, appearing in non-wrestling capacities on shows where he'd been billed. Now you gotta wonder if Edge might show up at the PPV before riding off into the sunset.... if he does, things could get interesting.

And so ended the show. Very good mid-show match with Rey/Drew, another must-see moment with Edge's promo, and a decent main event with the perfect ending. I gotta call that a Thumbs Up of a show.

See you again with the RAW Recap, kids.

RAW SATIRE: Nunzio, the Female Body Inspector

RAW RECAP: R-Truth is One Angry Black Man

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Terrorists Win

RAW SATIRE: Wrestling's Most Wanted

RAW RECAP: T-Minus 48 Weeks, and Counting

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2011

OOTRR: WWE Unforgiven 2004 Re-Revued

RAW SATIRE: WHAMMY'D~!

NEWSFLASH: 2011 WWE Draft Results

RAW RECAP: Now You See Him, Now You Still See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Edge's Busy Retirement

RAW SATIRE: England is Flavor Country

RAW RECAP: Changing Plans

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bittersweet Victory

RAW SATIRE: Who is Sin Cara?

RAW RECAP: Other Stuff Happened, Too

NEWSFLASH: Edge Retires

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Third Time's the Charm

RAW SATIRE: Think of the Children!

RAW RECAP: Cena and Rock Ask You to Save the Date

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 27

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT: A Throwback WrestleMania?

PYRO'S PPV CORNER: WrestleMania 27

RAW SATIRE: Big Red Tromboner

RAW RECAP: Finally...

RAW SATIRE: Thrown Under the Bus

NXT RECAP: Like a Cow Chewing its Own Cud...

RAW RECAP: Sweet Sweet Vengeance

RAW SATIRE: Jersey Wisdom?

NXT RECAP: The Case for William Regal

RAW RECAP: Miz = Winning

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Who Won NXT, Again?

RAW SATIRE: G-Rilla is Here!

NXT RECAP: Is This Really Necessary?

RAW RECAP: The Soul Crushing Finale

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Christian to the Rescue (Again)

RAW SATIRE: Miz's Addition by Subtraction Theatre

NXT RECAP: Johnny Curtis?!? Really?!?

RAW RECAP: Phoning it In

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hasta la Vista, Vickie

RAW SATIRE: Scandal in the Tag Ranks

NXT RECAP: What the What?!?

RAW RECAP: Silence is Golden

OO: What I'll Remember About Chris Benoit

NEWS CENTRAL: All Updates About Benoit Tragedy

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.