I’m not happy yet. My final grade hasn’t been posted, and you never know what can happen. I’m not going on a drinking binge until after I know, for sure, that I’m done. That doesn’t mean diploma-in-hand, it just means that, once it’s totally 100% confirmed that I passed this class—probably won’t happen for a few days or maybe a week—only THEN will I party a bit. But right now, it seems all the stupidity with my classes is over, and I can finally move on to concentrate on other things… like my IGN work. 
  

It helps that, due to Wal-Mart’s payroll reduction, I’ve got a bunch of time off simply because that’s the way the schedule fell. I work tomorrow, but then I don’t work until the FOLLOWING Tuesday, meaning I’ve got a six-day weekend in which to decompress and work on my gaming obligations. Between that and my tax returns, I’ll be doing okay.

I’ve been toying with the idea of taking a vacation from everything, Online Onslaught included, but due to my gaming obligations, it would be a little silly to do so now. Right now though, it appears I might have a break just after WrestleMania, so I’m considering taking two weeks off of OO, IGN, Wal-Mart, and EVERYTHING starting April 4th. Not sure yet, but you guys will be the second to know (after Rick) what I’m going to do. Who knows? Maybe the allure of My Melina will keep me going and I won’t bother with a vacation at all. All I know is that, with school done, it doesn’t really feel like an accomplishment, but rather the end of a minimal-security prison term. And it will be nice to be able to make decisions in my life that DON’T revolve around whether I need to get some stupid project done. Hell, I don’t even need to be in the Midwest anymore… it might be nice to move somewhere a bit more south, since I’m a pussy who doesn’t like seasons. Screw snow, ice, and temperatures below 45 degrees!

Okay, enough of that. Let’s get to RAW, where we’ve been promised to see Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Segment 1: Even though we last saw the Undertaker a few days ago on SmackDown, we are blessed with the presence of the Dead Man right off the bat tonight. He’s again coming out to Johnny Cash, which is fine to me as long as he goes back to the funeral march for WrestleMania. [Ed. Note: If they can make Jericho and Big Show's theme songs go together, it should be a piece of cake to put some strings and horns behind Johnny Cash. If *I* can hear it in my own head and know how it'd fit together to be awesome, the music monkeys they PAY to handle this should be able to do it.]

After making his entrance, Taker finds a mic and opens with some generic putting over of his upcoming match. He insists that after WrestleMania, “there can only be one last outlaw,” which makes no sense just about any way you slice it, so let’s just ignore that.

Taker goes on that “many” are saying that this is the year the Streak ends, that his injuries and this length of time is finally going to catch up with him… and others still think that Triple H is the only one who can, and will, do it. The crowd surprisingly boos at Trips’s name, so it’s clear who the majority are hoping for.

Taker reminds Trips about the last two WrestleManias, his opponent who also thought he had what it took to end the Streak, and…

…Sigh. And we get a video package, a compilation of several spots from both matches. It’s okay, I suppose, but I’m getting really sick of all these video packages the last two weeks.

Once the video is over, Taker says that at WrestleMania, there will be no excuses… no regrets… no disqualifications… no countouts… no rules! It’s going to be a No Holds Barred match, and the only thing that will matter is the end result.

Taker quotes Trips’s comment last week that Trips will end the Streak and Taker will die with it, or that Trips will die trying, and he says that Trips’s comment was so totally right. Which is exactly opposite of what he said on SmackDown, that Trips was full of crap when he said that. So, uh, WWE can’t be consistent between three days? Why should I find that surprising?

Taker says that Trips will rest in peace, but now I’m out of the moment since Taker just apparently changed his mind whether he’s going to do die or not with the streak.

Segment 2: We see some announcements about what’s coming up on RAW tonight, then we cold-cut to the back, where Mason Ryan and David Otunga are trying to beat the shit out of Randy Orton. Orton is fighting them off, so then CM Punk appears and manages to get Orton down by flinging his head several times into a nearby metal joke. I’d make a joke here about how Orton would be suffering brain damage, but I guess you can’t damage what you don’t have.

Anyway, Punk says that Orton may have crippled Mike McGillicutty with the Punt Kick of Doom last week, but now Punk is going to do worse to Orton. Orton replies by punching him, so Punk smashes his head one more time into the box. Punk then pulls the groggy Orton to his feet, then concluded by hitting him with the GTS. Mason and Otunga then drag Orton in the general direction of the ring as we go to commercial.

Pre-Segment 3: From commercial, we cold-cut to the ring, where I guess Nexus is still beating the crap out of Orton as the refs pointlessly yell at them to stop.

Finally enough refs appear to make Punk and Ryan retreat, but Otunga orders the bell rung. Huh, so, I guess this is a match, Orton vs. Otunga, except Orton is quite obviously in no condition to fight. Still, he tells the ref to ring the bell, so I guess it’s on.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton reverse-squashes David Otunga by pin. Orton never got his shirt off as Otunga beat the hell out of Orton for three minutes… then ate an RKO out of nowhere and was pinned, big surprise.

Post-Segment 3: After the match, Mason Ryan ran down and put Orton down again. He picked Orton up, readying something… then ate an RKO out of nowhere too.

Punk then ran down, and Orton was in stalking mode as he was leaning against the ropes, asking Punk with his bedroom eyes to join him in the ring. Punk just stayed out…

…And then Orton saw Otunga’s still lying there. Punk panicked, then ran around to rescue Otunga by pulling him out of the ring. But Punk moved a step too slow, and Orton was able to deliver the Punt Kick of Doom. Guess Nexus is down to Punk and Ryan at this point.

Pre-Segment 4: Christian is here on RAW tonight? And his opponent will be Alberto Del Rio? Geez, I guess we really have ended the brand split temporarily.

Except ADR isn’t coming out alone, because he’s got Brodus Clay with him. Well, that’s certainly good… Like I’ve said from the beginning, Brodus really did deserve to be on the roster, so it’s good to see his non-win on NXT was totally pointless.

Anyway, ADR says that he and Christian will fight… but not tonight. No, for Christian to earn the right to face ADR, Christian has to win Brodus right the hell now. Poor Christian.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Christian defeats Brodus Clay (w/ Alberto Del Rio) by pin. Decent match but nothing special. Brodus’s offense was decent and powerful, but a bit slow. Not bad for an introductory match, but hopefully he does a bit more later. He certainly is capable of more. The match ended when Brodus whiffed a running slam to the corner, and Christian countered with a tornado DDT.

After the match, ADR attacked Christian. Christian tried to defend himself, but wound up eating a cross-legged arm breaker.

…and now we get another replay of Rock’s comments last week. God. I’m glad I wound up giving myself 45 minutes of time delay.

Cut Scene: Apparently, Bullet Bob Armstrong—whoever he was—is getting inducted into the Hall of Fame. I don’t remember them ever announcing that. But they are announcing Tammy Lynn Sytch, aka Sunny. Good god, I forgot how hot she is. One of the very few blonds I’ve enjoyed. And damn, that one shot where she’s wearing the flag sling (or “monokini” or whatever it’s called)… I never felt so patriotic.

…And now we go from Sunny to Eve Torres. Sigh. WWE has fallen so damn far from the 90s.

Segment 5 [Singles Match for the WWE Divas Title]: Eve (w/ Gail Kim) defeats Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) by pin, and retains. Match was pretty low-quality, but halfway through, Michael Cole got on the announcers’ table and told the girls to hurry the hell up so we can get on with the show, and so he can announce his referee choice for his match against Jerry Lawler. I have to admit, the match was lame, and the crowd didn’t care, but they woke up when Cole opened his wordhole. The crowd mercilessly booed him, and it was pretty damn entertaining.

In the ring, Nikki had taken control but lost it, so she tried Twin Magic. Maybe because Cole woke up Referee McDoucher too, but the twins were caught. The ref tossed Brie, yelled at Nikki to get in the ring, who ate a twisting neckbreaker with a float-over.

Immediately after the match, Cole got his mic again and said “Thank God that’s over,” then hyped his referee choice… which we’ll hear after the commercial.

I would like to point out that Gail was smoking. Gail, even more than My Melina, seems to choose clothes every week, whether she’s in the ring or not, that speaks highly to some filthy, filthy parts of anatomy.

Segment 6: Cole is in the ring, and gives a flowery introduction to who his guest referee is. He’s a former world champ! He’s from Texas! We’ve been waiting for him for an hour! Cole makes us cheer for Austin!

…But psych! It’s John Bradshaw Layfield.

You know, for douchebag heel guest referees, JBL is actually a pretty damn good choice. He does the full entrance, the limo and the suit and the hat (with fucking red wingtips?), the whole thing. He and Cole share a hug, and the crowd slams them with boos.

JBL proves he hasn’t missed a step with his promo ability, saying how he was happy to get out of WWE so he could back to New York, and out of this shitty state with its shitty Cowboys, Rangers, and other irrelevant sports teams. And he knew that his return to WWE, however temporary, would cause people to be awed by his awesomeness. Oh, and even though there’s some guest host at WrestleMania that JBL hasn’t bothered to find out who the fuck he is, JBL says it’s awesome that Cole will get to debut in WrestleMania in the main event. (Huh?)

JBL goes on that he’s proud of Cole, for standing up to Jerry Lawler being such a jerk for the last few years. So it’s good that Cole gets to train with Jack Swagger, the only thing that was missing was an “unbiased” referee. And JBL is a man of integrity, because he can’t be bought, because he’s too rich! Ha!

Ah, but there’s a snag here. See, Cole had some papers: it’s the referee contract, and Cole had said “Whoever signs this will be my referee!” And JBL telegraphs things by saying “As soon as I sign this, I’ll be in the main event with you!” And instantly, we all know what’s going to happen.

So JBL finishes that he’s going to sign it, and he’s takes his pen… slowly takes the clipboard…

And the glass shatters. Why JBL doesn’t just sign the goddamn thing is beyond me, but this is pro wrestling logic here.

Austin hits the ring, and JBL starts screaming at him as Cole cuts him off from getting near Cole. After a minute of argument, Austin hits him with a Stunner, then steals JBL’s hat and calls for his beers. Cole bails and flips out on the commentating table as Austin starts his public intoxication.

Then Austin sees the clipboard. Cole starts freaking out, begging Austin not to do what we all know he’s going to do. Now, again, I’d like to point out that the clipboard was lying right there the whole fucking time, right at the edge of the ring, and Cole did nothing. He fucking passed the contract as he bailed from the ring. But he never touched it.

So Austin gets a mic, asks for a “Hell yeah!” if the crowd wants him to sign it, and Cole starts crying with worse acting ability than a porn actress who tries her hand at a soap opera.

Austin signs the contract, Cole says he wants to faint, and Austin gets his mic again to say that he’s going to be the guest referee for the Lawler/Cole match. You know, just in case there are any toddlers in the audience who, after hearing the word “hell” and seeing a guy raise his BAC to 0.10 in the span of 15 seconds, weren’t able to keep up with what was going on.

Austin then calls for three beers, cracks them, and leaves the ring. Cole is still begging. Austin shakes his hand for good luck, then dumps all three beers on his head and shoves him back into the chair.

Austin gets in the ring and keeps celebrating as Cole leaves and heads back to the back, walking around the south side of the ring… which happens to be where Austin is, so Austin just dumps another can of beer on him.

JBL starts to recover and manages to get on his feet. Austin gives him a beer and toasts him as JBL wobbles on his feet. Austin salutes him, downs the beer… then gives him another Stunner. Meanwhile, Jack Swagger has appeared on the stage and handed Cole a towel, and Cole proceeds to stomp and yell as if his My Little Pony was taken away by an overly angry parent. He ignores Jack’s encouragement and sympathy, and storms to the back. Austin meanwhile finishes whatever he’s doing, and he walks up a ramp…

And then we get a fucking replay of what Austin JUST DID four seconds ago.

And then Austin does the whole beer thing again on the stage, which makes me wonder if he can even feel his liver at this point.

I’m conflicted here. The segment was entertaining, but it insulted my intelligence since… well… since pretty much it started. And it was a good 15 minutes too long, even though it was entertaining. I’m again reminded why I’ve always like Rocky better than Austin.

Segment 7: After commercial, Cole is in the back, talking to Jack. Cole declares he hates Austin as much as Jerry, and he’s worried about what he’s going to do. Jack tells Cole not to worry, to just trust him, because he’ll totally break Austin’s ankle like a twig. Cole doesn’t seem placated, and he leaves to take a shower.

Then, we cut back to the ring, where Jerry Lawler is introduced to take over announcing duties… and as he makes his entrance, we get another fucking replay of Austin dumping the beer. Really, WWE directors? Was that really fucking necessary?

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan squashes Sheamus by countout. So it wasn’t more than a few months ago and all the wankers of the so-called IWC were bitching because Sheamus squashed DB after a pay-per-view. And now, DB basically beats the fuck out Sheamus, resulting in Sheamus going to the apron. DB shoves him off, and Sheamus collapses on the mats selling the ankle. The ref gives us a somewhat fast 10-count as Sheamus sells that he’s too hurt to get back in the ring.

This is another reason OO is awesome: because we don’t have that wanker mentality that makes our, heh, “competition” websites drown in the minutiae of stopwatches and workrate. It sucks to me that Sheamus is getting buried for now, but he’ll bounce back, and no one around here is really that worried about it.

Post-Segment 8: Hm, it appears Sheamus himself might be a little worried. He gets a mic and says that, sure, he’s been on a losing streak lately. But he promises that next week, his bad luck is going to change… because he’s going to win the US Championship! He asks if DB is game, and if DB wins, Sheamus will quit! Title vs. Career!

DB is all smiles and gives broad gesturing to both Sheamus and the title belt. So, uh, I guess it’s on? He never said “yes,” but DB is a face, and the wrestling bylaws state that he obviously must accept any challenge thrown his way.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: CM Punk (w/ Mason Ryan) squashes R-Truth by submission. Match ended with an Anaconda Vise. Haven’t seen that whipped out in awhile.

After the match, Mason did a shoulder breaker to Truth just to be a jerk.

Pre-Segment 10: It seems Vickie Guerrero’s firing has lasted as long as John Cena’s! Vickie hits the ring. She announces for us the newest member of RAW, a former World Heavyweight Champion, Dolph Ziggler! Josh Mathews calls him “the biggest free agent since LaBron James.” If you hear anything in the next ten seconds, it’s me vomiting up everything I’ve eaten in the past sixteen days.

Oh wait, this is a match? Oh, okay…

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats John Morrison by pin. Vickie was on commentary and said that she and Dolph are broken up, and are now strictly business partners. Yet that didn’t stop her from not changing at all as she cheered Dolph on. Dolph for his part seems to have taken several steps backwards with his training, doing a lot of chinlocks and such. JoMo got a hope spot and finished with a twisting falling neckbreaker, but Dolph broke the pin attempt by putting his foot on the rope. After a spot too retarded for me to even explain, Dolph wound up giving an intentional thumb to John’s eye behind the ref’s back, and followed up with the Zig Zag.

Post-Segment 10: After the match, General Manager Windows Vista pinged the arena. Jerry did the honors, announcing that the GM did indeed hire Dolph… but he did not hire Vickie because she’s “too polarizing.” But the GM is going to throw her a bone and give her a job. But only if she wins her match next week.

Against Trish Stratus.

Rick is a happy man as four members of the Arena Security Staff hit the ring to escort Vickie out of the building. The fans fire up the goodbye song, and despite her clinging to Dolph’s leg, she gets ejected in short order.

Segment 11: Time for our main event promo, which in this case is John Cena—amazingly absent all night otherwise which I almost didn’t notice—giving a “final knockout” to The Rock. And Cena isn’t dicking around here, and basically gets right to giving his response to his promo last week.

Cena begins by saying that he thinks it’s pretty funny the way Rock calls him Fruity Pebbles and does the cartoonish impression of him, that it was kind of cute. But man, when Cena talks, Rock actually gets angry, and it all happened because he addressed Rock in “rap.” So Cena is just going to “address him in hip-hop” tonight, and everything will be awesome…

Last week Rock showed the whole world that his ass is soft
He talked trash from his living room and wouldn’t take his glasses off

What, he couldn’t afford a plane ticket or rent a helicopter?
No see, Rock chose to stay home and read off a teleprompter.

You can see the words in his glasses! Rewind it back, I caught ‘em!
The only time you see me, homey, is when I’m whipping that Rock Bottom.

They say The Rock is unbeatable! He’ll put John Cena on the shelf!
But after last week, the only thing Rock’s beating is himself.

And once again I’m standing here! And where’s The Rock? He’s must be misplaced.
I get it, I’m a Fruity Pebble. You’re a Yabba-Dabba disgrace.

He yelled for thirty minutes bragging about himself, it made me throw up.
You want to be the People’s Champ, Rock? Here’s a tip: just show up.

And I’m so glad this thing is over so I can cross it off my checklist.
Rock didn’t win but it’s okay, I’ll give him a pearl necklace. [cue prop]

It’s not my fault Rock, you just make it too easy for me to get you.
You may as well attack my dog ‘cause every week he eats my shihtzu.

[Cue Photoshop of Rock supposedly licking a puppy. Weird.]

But I made him angry! That’s not what I was in it, I didn’t want to seem hurt
So to make amends I actually went out and bought The Rock’s brand-new T-shirt.

[Holds up a shirt that reads “I bring it via satellite.” Now that is funny.]

Rock, make ‘em chant your name, raise an eyebrow, give us all a fun night!
But don’t ever call me out again dude, ‘cause that’s bringing a knife to a gun fight.

…Cue Cena’s music, and we’re done here. Oh wait, no, Miz appears out of nowhere and smashes Cena in the face with the title belt. Miz had previously said that he was “boycotting RAW” because of the lack of attention on him, so this is a bit of an awesome surprise.

Cena gets to his feet, but Miz just puts him down again with a title belt to the face again. Miz finds a mic, tells Cena that he, The Rock, and everyone else has disrespected him for the last time. He points out the pattern that every time Cena blathers, he gets his ass kicked, and if Rock was here, he would get floored too. And since Cena likes rap so much, Miz has a short one for him…

The Rock, John Cena, Macho Man and Liz
Stone Cold, Bret Hart… they’re nothing compared to The Miz!

…Nice! But Miz isn’t done, so he gets his face right in the camera. He says hi to The Rock, introduces himself and his title, and that he’s the star of WrestleMania, whereas Rock is just the guest. “So just know your role and be the best Ryan Seacrest you can be!” Damn, nice. Miz goes on that if Rock gets near him, he’ll take Rock’s catchphrases, sunglasses, and even his dad and grandfather, roll it all into a ball, shove it sideways up Rock’s candy ass, because he’s The Miz, and he’s…

And he stops long enough to give Cena a Skull Crushing Finale, posing over Superwigger’s corpse, and then… Oh good god, Miz does a perfect People’s Elbow to Cena’s face. Only then does Miz pick up the mic, gets in the camera’s lens, and declares “AWESOME!!!”

Final Thoughts: Holy shit, that was easily Miz’s best out-of-match moment ever. That is how you cut a promo! Not only did Miz outshine Cena by story, but he outshined Cena’s entire promo and blathering. Fantastic, absolutely fantastic!

Cena was booed constantly by the way during his rap, pretty much even before the first lines were spoken, although he got some laughs when he showed off the T-shirt. (It bothers me again that Cena has to go to the blowjob reference in everything he says, but I guess a leopard isn’t going to change his spots.) And yet, Miz was also booed when he came in and beat the shit out of Cena. If this keeps going, we’re going to have a heel/heel match with a face guest ref, which is all sorts of trippy. I’m not concerned or anything and I have no point, I’m just making an observation.

Overall, the show was poor. Rock’s comments from last week were actually divided into four different parts and played intermittently during the show, which seemed to make it even more annoying. Austin’s segment was fun and entertaining but still felt all kinds of wrong and retarded, especially for anyone who applies even rudimentary logic to the happenings.

Still, this means that both The Rock and Stone Cold are going to be at WrestleMania, and that opens up all sorts of amazing possibilities. They won’t have a match or anything, but even WWE’s amazing asshattedness can’t possibly ignore that delicious reunion. I fear that whatever they do together will be retarded or underwhelming, but it’s beyond doubt that they’ll do something. And the fans will eat it up. As will I.

One thing: where the hell was Triple H tonight? Or was there simply no room for him to be face-to-face with Taker? Do they have something planned and they’re just holding off? I feel like tonight was full of missed opportunities and time mismanagement. I gave them a pass last week, but my generosity has ended. Two weeks of mostly pretaped segments—throw in “part 2” of Shawn Michaels talking about Trips vs. Taker that I didn’t mention—and I’m getting really annoyed. It feels even worse considering that we’re on the Road to WrestleMania, which especially shouldn’t have this crap. And WWE was doing so well over the past month that I simply don’t get why they’ve suddenly dropped the ball and are packing about 35 minutes of content at best into their 125-minute shows.

Next week, we’re apparently getting Trish Stratus back for a night, but she’s being offset by RAW’s guest host, who will apparently be Snooki. [Ed. Note: I hope somebody at WWE still has Zack Ryder's phone number, at least.] I almost typed “New York Times best-selling author” as a sarcastic adjective to her name, but even the idea of typing that whole noun phrase offends every molecule in my body. If Snooki doesn’t remain drunk, stoned, and horny for the whole night, it’ll be a fucking miracle. I’ll be frankly amazed if, at any point she’ll be on the television, I manage to refrain from throwing a brick into my cat, then throwing both at the screen. Because fuck Snooki. And not in the way Orton would want.

God, could you imagine if Orton goes after Snooki? The orange resulting from that meeting would cause Florida to cry itself into the Atlantic, and the stupidity and vapidity of their babies would cause scientists to introduce a negative zone for IQ tests. And I’d like to now apologize for putting that image into your head.

Anyway, I’m done for tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow for the debut of NXT Season 5, and later this week as usual for SmackDown. Ciao!

Episode Grade (Miz’s moment): B+

Everything Else: D+