I’ve made no secret around Online Onslaught that I’m more of a mark than all other writers who have written or do write for the site, especially when it comes to certain wrestlers or situations. I’m going to approach this preview strictly from the on-screen perspective, though my predictions might be colored with some off-screen thoughts. You’ll see what I mean as we go along. 
  

Also, remember that when we played the OO Predictions Game years ago, I was frequently in the basement with less than 50% right, but for last year’s WrestleMania I went 8-for-9. Hopefully I can repeat that performance!

Without further ado, welcome to WrestleMania XXVII, the previewing, (Slightly More Than) All You Need To Know style!

Undertaker vs. Triple H

Match Type: Singles No-DQ/No-Countout

What’s on the line: Undertaker’s undefeated streak at WrestleMania, currently up to 18-0.

What’s led up to this: This is a match that really began two years ago, when Shawn Michaels challenged Undertaker for his undefeated streak at WrestleMania 25. That match not only won Match of the Year for 2009, but it was damn near one of the greatest matches in WrestleMania history, perhaps in professional wrestling history. Shawn fell short, and challenged for a rematch last year, this time putting his career on the line. He fell short again, and retired from WWE while Taker rolled on to 18-0.

This last year, we haven’t seen much of either Undertaker or Triple H. Both guys have been hurt—Trips was off about a full calendar year—but as WrestleMania approached, we heard reports that Taker just might come back. Through a series of retarded vignettes, we saw that Taker would indeed come back on February 21, a Monday night, which he did as promised.

And as he made his entrance, Triple H made his surprise return too.

The last thing you ever do is interrupt Taker, but Trips did his full entrance, then got right in Taker’s face. Without words—which in my opinion made for a much more intense promo than if either had said anything—each man looked at the overhanging WrestleMania sign, then back at each other. Everyone understood the challenge, and when Taker did his throat slash taunt, all the fans in the arena (and possibly many at home) creamed themselves in anticipation.

Throughout the following weeks, Taker and Trips traded off decent promos. Unlike Taker’s normal modus operandi, there was no Gay Spooky stupidity going on. In fact, this felt like something out of Japan, with each guy basically saying how much they totally respected and admired the other, before dropping the hammer and saying there is no way the other guy could win. All promos were kept pretty short, and it’s clear that this match is about the Streak and each guy’s legend. These were peppered in with video packages of different wrestling guys giving their random, two-sentence thoughts on who would win, culminating in a full-blown Shawn Michaels opinion piece that was split into two parts and replayed entirely too many times.

This last week on RAW was the final promo for both guys, where, again, they pretty much stuck with the “I respect you but you’re going to lose” theme, though Trips took it a bit further by declaring that Taker was far too broken down and too old to continue wrestling, and Trips was taking it upon himself to put him down. Though the crowd had been split about 50/50 in their support, that line garnered the most boos Trips probably had heard since he led his Evolution stable.

Shawn Michaels then made a surprise return, seriously asking Triple H why he thought he could do what Shawn himself could not (that is, end the Streak). Trips answered that Shawn’s entire problem was that he got too emotional about the whole thing, and Trips himself will simply beat the holy hell out of the Dead Man with no remorse. In fact, part of the promos between the guys have included the fact that Trips will “end the Streak or die trying,” whatever that last part means.

Taker responded that Shawn is a broken down, doubting, unconfident hack, which is why he couldn’t beat him. Trips wasn’t happy about hearing his best friend getting insulted, and Shawn went for his finisher against Taker. Taker countered, but Trips got between them before Taker could actually make a strike. As Trips and Taker got in each other’s faces, Trips told Shawn to once again assure Taker that the Streak would be over at WrestleMania. But instead of Shawn coming to Trips’s moral aid, Shawn instead just left the arena, looking like he was in tears of doubt. Taker gave Trips a smirk and went on his merry way too, leaving Trips alone in the ring and looking confused rather than confident.

What’s expected: Last year, Undertaker/Shawn II was also a no-DQ/no-countout, but very little was made of that rule set. I had said last year that I didn’t expect it to be as good as Taker/Shawn I but that it would still be solid, and I was right; I think they knew they wouldn’t be able to top themselves from the first time, so they didn’t try, though it was still Match of the Year 2010.

This time around, I think things will be different. For the first time in seven years, there is no Money in the Bank match, so there is nothing on the card that seems to hint at ultra-violence that the Attitude Era was known for. But what we’ve got now are the final two guys who were even around in the Attitude Era, in a situation where it might one (or both) guy’s last hurrah.

I noticed that, for the first time in lord knows how long, ever since this match was announced, neither guy has done anything in the ring. To me, this is very significant: both guys should absolutely be 100% coming into things. No one has thrown a punch, no one has taken a chokeslam, no one has been in some random unrelated match. I assume they’ve been working with each other off-camera to get rid of any ring rust, but my point is that each man will be entering WrestleMania at the peak of their possible health. And I think they’re doing that for a reason.

I’m undecided whether this match will, quality-wise, be better than Taker/Shawn I. Taker is at that point where every year goes by and he looks just a step slower than he had, so I don’t think we’ll see him flying over the top rope this year. Neither guy is a flier, so I don’t think we’ll have any ridiculous drops or jumps either. However, both guys are stellar at brawls and passable at slams and such, so I think we’re going to get a lot of action with a fairly fast pace, with some chair shots here and maybe—just maybe—a little bit of blood to help tell the story. By the implication of Trips, I expect he’ll be the one to bleed, especially if he’s going to come out the loser and show that he’s “died trying.”

Despite WWE’s G-rating, this match’s unique set of circumstances—the setting, the guys involved, the stakes—I think will allow WWE to take some chances it wouldn’t normally take. Honestly, if the match is as tepid as the TV shows are, people will notice. This match is being implied by Triple H as something out of the Attitude Era, so hopefully they make good on that.

My thoughts and predictions: The X-factor here is Shawn Michaels, and I’ll eat one of Rick’s trusty bugs if he doesn’t show up. I ate crow last year saying that Shawn would find a way to un-retire, and he might not be back permanently, but a one-off appearance on RAW where he winds up showing ass is not going to be the last time we see the guy.

I’m not exactly sure what “die trying” is supposed to mean, but I’ve heard the rumors all over the hated Internet Wrestling Community that Trips is going to retire after this year as well… but I’ve also heard that Taker is going to retire too. So who knows. Frankly, I don’t care. I mean, I figure that if either guy was going to actually retire, he would go out of this match losing… but given that neither has said anything about it—this isn’t a “Career vs. Streak” like last year’s match was—I wouldn’t be surprised if “die trying” is just a setup to a rather bloody visual of Trips when it’s all over.

Which, really, leads to the crux of the issue. Now, I made the mistake (in a sense) of watching The True Story of WrestleMania on Netflix Instant (worth a watch if you’ve got it to get you in the mood), and now I’m over-thinking the Streak. See, in the video, two particular guys talk about the Streak and what it means. Chris Jericho said that “Taker is waiting for someone to beat him,” but, more significantly, is Triple H himself saying “I hope the Streak is never broken.”

Again, I know I’m over-thinking things, but I tend to agree with Trips, who was of course speaking out-of-character in the video. Taker’s Streak means something, and it won’t ever be repeated; I think it would be a serious mistake to have it ended. Even if this is Taker’s last match or some crap, going out with a win would solidify him as one of the greatest entertainers WWE has ever had, and possibly ever will have. And knowing the guy, he would probably want to make it a nice, round 20 anyway before he hangs them up.

Triple H dies trying, as Undertaker will extend his streak to 19-0. I’m curious how Shawn will play into this though… will Shawn take Trips down to prevent him from “doing what he could not”? Will Shawn interfere with Taker and Trips will get all pissed off about it?

I hope that, however Shawn is brought into play here, his role is minimal. Taker/Shawn I and II were fantastic for a variety of reasons, but one of the reasons is that there was no outside interference or other stupidity going on. The matches were as pure as they could possibly be in sports entertainment, and Trips is capable of doing that as well. The story has been setup so Shawn can legitimately be around without raising any eyebrows, but I know I’ll feel cheapened if his presence applies some sort of significant effect on the match outcome. I can’t be the only guy who feels this way.

I still call this one match of the night. Rick and I disagree slightly on the match: he said we “finally” have a reason to care about it after the last week or two on RAW, but I’ve been jonesing for it from the moment Trips and Taker stared each other down in February. Taker’s Streak is an automatic build-up to the match and, even though these guys have danced once at WrestleMania with Trips losing, I think there is extra sizzle in the air this time around, especially with Shawn hanging out nearby.

If this one doesn’t go on last, the fans are going to be burned out for the title matches like they were two years ago. I think WWE learned its lesson—they talked about that too on the WrestleMania video and how the fans were just emotionally finished after this, and were comparatively dead for the two title matches in WrestleMania 25—so hopefully this will go on as the final match of the night. And that way, no matter how it turns out, the fans will definitely leave feeling they got their money’s worth.

John Cena vs. The Miz

Match Type: Singles

What’s on the line: The WWE Championship

What’s led up to this: Over 2010, John Cena and The Miz pretty much had nothing to do with each other. Miz was slowly climbing up the ladder of success, which turned literal when he won the Money in the Bank match at the same-named pay-per-view. Cena meanwhile was playing with Sheamus, then playing with Nexus, including getting fired (which he responded to by showing up to work anyway until he was re-hired), culminating in his beating Nexus leader Wade Barrett in one of the most retarded spots in the history of PPVs.

Meanwhile, not only had Miz won Money in the Bank, but he had successfully cashed it in against Randy Orton. Miz went on to defeat Orton every time they fought, then defended his title twice against Jerry Lawler. The IWC shit a brick about this, saying that Miz was basically wasting his time against an announcer, but fans who don’t have their thumbs up their asses didn’t care about a one-off feud that was certainly not going to be carried into WrestleMania.

So, Cena set his sights on Miz after Lawler’s title chances had come and gone. But proving that he’s a student of the game, Miz knew that Cena was going to do his Superwigger routine of dancing around and being a jerk up to the event. So Miz took it upon himself to jump Cena at every opportunity and keep Cena down and hurt for over a month straight. Cena was unable to do his normal tricks, and Miz fed Cena his associate Alex Riley to take the pain instead. Miz and Cena will, essentially, enter this match without yet getting their hands on each other except for ambushes.

However, there is an additional layer of complexity here. The Rock, The Great One, the People’s Champion, was announced to be the guest host of WrestleMania. Years ago, John Cena talked shit about The Rock, mainly centering on the idea that Rock said he loved WWE and the fans but showed it by Not Being There. So Rock came back and, rather than ignoring that entire off-camera argument, proceeded to tear Cena a new asshole in promo form that reminded all fans just how entertaining he was during the Attitude Era (while simultaneously reminding us how much WWE sucks nowadays). Cena and Rock then went back and forth with promos, both of them ironically: Rock bitched via satellite that Cena is a jerk for doing everything with a rap mindset, and Cena bitched via rap that Rock is a jerk for doing everything remotely. It’s the rare case when both guys are actually right, but Rock has been far more clever and entertaining about the whole thing.

This last week on Monday was the first time Cena and Rock actually got face-to-face about it. Nothing new was really said, but Cena reiterated that he was proud of himself and what he does and who he is, and how dare Rock judge him? Rock responded that he might not have the right to “judge” Cena, but he does have the right to kick Cena’s candy ass all over the country.

And that’s when Miz showed up. Miz has felt that he’s been in the background of this whole feud—which he has been—because despite the fact that he’s pwned Cena every time they get near each other, no one can talk about anything but Cena/Rock… which, again, is true. So Miz hit the ring, then proceeded to eat a Rock Bottom from Rock, but then Rock ate an FU from Cena, drawing more boos than he’s had in awhile. So Cena gets the last laugh over Rock for now, but he still hasn’t been able to get his hands on Miz.

What’s expected: Miz has consistently shown he’s stellar in the ring. He’s not a technical prodigy like a Hart, but he does have enough technical skill to get by. Further, Miz can brawl with the best of them, making him a decent fit for Cena.

However, Cena only has one type of match. Ever since he took on this persona of being the face of the company, his matches always go in one of two ways: either he destroys his opponent in thirty seconds, Goldberg-style, or he gets his ass kicked until the very end, whereupon he’ll either have his Superwigger comeback, or he’ll start his Superwigger comeback and get cut down by someone’s finisher. Even Miz will fall victim to that pattern either way.

…Well, except for the fact that we’ve got Rock waiting in the wings, and we still don’t know how he’s going to involve himself. General consensus was that Rock was going to play guest referee, but there have been no announcements to that end even now. And the fact that we don’t know what Rock is going to do just makes things better. If we knew, for example, that Rock was going to play guest ref, we could have all sorts of ideas about what Monday’s angle meant, with Cena getting on the ref’s bad side with the FU, and blah blah blah.

Instead, we don’t know what Rock is up to, but we do know he’s going to be involved. He is the guest host and, if that means he’s got GM powers, he might screw around with what exactly is going on in the match. Right now, it’s just a standard singles match, but who knows what it’ll wind up being by the time Rock is done with it. At the very least, Rock will probably appear at ringside and give Cena a distraction, intentional or not.

Overall, while this won’t be a technical marvel, this will be a very sports entertainment-y match, with Miz probably carrying the weight of the technical side.

My thoughts and predictions: I have to cop-out here: without knowing exactly what Rock is up to, I also have no idea what’s going to wind up happening with this match. I mean, hell, in a perfect world, they’re going to pull a bait-and-switch, Rock is going to insert himself into the match, and we’re going to wind up with The Rock, WWE Champion, at the end of the night.

But I’m not going kid myself: that won’t happen no matter how much I want it to. Instead, what I assume is going to happen is a standard Cena match until the end, when Cena gets on his aforementioned tear and starts the Superwigger comeback. At that point, one of two things will probably happen: either Rock will involve himself and cause Cena to lose, or Rock will involve himself and cause Cena to win in an “all is forgiven” moment that only Cena’s pre-teen fans will like.

WWE has pulled that before: two guys are the worst of enemies but they wind up respecting each other and leave arm-in-arm. Rock himself did that with Hulk Hogan back at WrestleMania 18, but the fans universally liked both guys, so it worked: despite their promos and threats to each other, they left their raising each other’s arms in victory to the loudest fucking cheer in WrestleMania history.

But Cena isn’t Hogan. If Rock decides that all is forgiven in the middle of this match, including the Monday night FU, the fans will shit on him pretty hard. I don’t think anyone is dumb enough to let that happen, especially Rock himself. Add that to the fact that Miz redesigned the title belt a couple weeks ago, and I think Miz will walk away with the belt still in his possession. I’m sure he’ll lose it somewhere down the line, but not yet.

After the match, maybe Rock will hit the People’s Elbow on Cena even if it doesn’t mean anything. And if he does, then we’re all winners.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Edge

Match type: Singles

What’s on the line: The World Heavyweight Championship

What’s led to this: One year ago, Alberto Del Rio didn’t exist. After crashing WWE and beating the crap out of Rey Mysterio, he has shown himself to be an extremely charismatic guy with a great, crisp move set and the ability to cut a damn fine promo that makes you hate him for all the right reasons. Rey got the best of him, but he entered and won Royal Rumble 2011. He chose to chase Edge, who did the most mind-numbing version of reverse-psychology ever.

ADR has no specific gimmick other being a rich douchebag. His rise in success is mostly due to his inherent talent and his cross-legged arm breaker finisher, which led to injuring Christian (by storyline). Christian is back to seek revenge, but ADR already chose to face Edge at WrestleMania. ADR has attempted to beat the crap out of Edge leading up to their match and, despite Christian coming to Edge’s aid, ADR tends to handle them both and maintain his dominance.

And really, that’s it: there aren’t any deep-seated issues here, no off-camera shenanigans, no real bad blood. ADR’s WWE career is less than a year old and, although he’s already made impressions and made enemies, he is just straight-up going after the World Heavyweight Championship, and he’s earned the right to do so. He’s been blathering about how his match, and his win, are his destiny, so we’ll see.

What’s expected: Edge is a great worker, and ADR has shown he can bang with the best in the ring. Last year, I expected the Jericho/Edge match to steal the show but it didn’t, and I have a feeling that ADR/Edge this year will be on the same level. It will be technically sound, we’ll get some shenanigans between Christian and Ricardo Rodriguez (ADR’s personal ring announcer), but ultimately it’ll be as close to a technical match as we’re going to get for the show.

Don’t forget also that ADR has been hanging out with Brodus Clay, the silver-medalist (but actual winner) of NXT Season 4. The dude is huge and has gotten involved to keep ADR’s head above water. Brodus tends to eat the pain like a good lackey in an effort to give ADR room to deliver the punishment on the faces, and I don’t see that changing now.

My thoughts and predictions: ADR has grown on me. He can hold his own with anyone, and I would have loved to see an ADR vs. Bret Hart or ADR vs. Kurt Angle match to see what he could do with a technical master. Edge of course is solid as well; there is no reason this match shouldn’t be exciting and proficient, though I doubt it will blow anyone away.

Most of the people around the IWC have stated that ADR is going to win it, and I tend to agree. I think ADR will walk out as the new champion, mostly because it opens up some intriguing storylines. Christian still has beef with ADR, so if ADR wins the title, Christian might finally get a shot at a top title. Meanwhile, Edge will get his rematch, and you can have some delicious storyline implications between Edge and Christian feuding with each other as well as ADR.

It’s tough for me to pick two heels to win the title matches, but I think the fans will be all right. Cena already isn’t exactly a face, and you can still pop the crowd with the WWE Championship match by having Rock beat on Cena after the end of it. Throw in a piss-break match between the title matches and, if you conclude with Trips/Taker, no one will even consciously realize that the heels took home the gold. It makes the most sense doing it this way to keep storylines open; if Edge winds up winning this match, he’s basically got no one left to feud with, and they’d have to pull a #1 contender out of their asses for next week’s SmackDown. I don’t think this feud is over, and to keep it going, ADR needs to win.

Randy Orton vs. CM Punk

Match type: Singles

What’s on the line: Nothing

What’s led up to this: After Cena finished off Wade Barrett, he went crying to SmackDown, relinquishing leadership. CM Punk took the group over, then basically restocked it: the only member of the original Nexus still in the “New Nexus” is David Otunga, essentially persona non grata as far as WWE fans are concerned.

Now, two years ago, Punk was a face and Orton was a heel. At a pay-per-view, Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase were in their “Legacy” stable, and they beat the crap out of then-champion CM Punk. Orton concluded the assault by doing his Punt Kick of Doom, making Punk too injured to defend his title, forcing him to vacate it.

Fast-forward to today, and Punk and Orton have swapped roles. Punk, now the heel, has declared war on Orton and used his Nexus buddies to assault and ambush Orton for months. If you look closely enough, you’ll see that this new story is basically the exact same as when the Barrett-led Nexus assaulted and ambushed Cena for 2010, except this time around there’s at least some sort of motivation for Punk to do it.

Anyway, the assaults led up to a challenge between the two for WrestleMania. The anonymous general manager of RAW, seeing that Punk had relied on Nexus being at ringside for all his matches, decided to add a fun little challenge. Every week on RAW for a month, Orton would face a different member of Nexus one-on-one, and if Orton won, that member would be banned from ringside during the WrestleMania blow-off match.

Not only did Orton sweep through Nexus, he also did his Punt Kick of Doom to each man, sending them to the disabled list. (Except for Husky Harris: everyone, including Orton, is saying he did the Punt Kick of Doom to Harris, but no matter how I search my memories and my recaps, I have no idea when Orton actually did it.) Punk is out of allies, and it will be truly one-on-one at Mania unless Punk has some friend he hasn’t talked about up until now.

What’s expected: Punk can make anyone look good, and Orton has indeed become at least passable in the ring. I still don’t get his appeal, and maybe I never will, but it’s undeniable that the crowd will be hot for this match. And Orton at least hasn’t made a pig’s breakfast of a match in quite some time so… who knows.

My thoughts and predictions: They’re setting this up for Orton to just clean sweep his way through everyone. Something in the back of my mind tells me that Punk still has a card up his sleeve though, and it’s rare for anyone to get swept all the way through a feud. I don’t think Punk has ever gotten one-up on Orton once this started (aside from ambushes). They introduced the concept of Punk being a jerk to Orton’s wife to distract him, so I figure something like that is going to happen this time around too. Punk will beat Orton, but it’s going to be through some shenanigans, and the feud will continue on RAW.

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus

Match type: Singles

What’s on the line: The United States Championship

What’s led up to this: Late last year, WWE reintroduced King of the Ring. Sheamus won it handily, then proceeded to get his ass handed to him for several months straight. His losing streak was legendary, or would have been if Sheamus was more over than he is.

Daniel Bryan meanwhile was holding the US Title but not doing anything with it. Instead, he was involved in a divas feud that saw both Bella Twins going after him when, surprise, he was dating Gail Kim all along and just played with the Bellas because he “felt sorry for them.” Thankfully, this didn’t lead anywhere, but it did give DB something to do to get on TV.

Sheamus, in an effort to end his losing streak, decided to challenge DB and promptly lost. So Sheamus asked for a rematch, this time for DB’s title, and if he lost, he would leave WWE. DB couldn’t say no to the challenge because he’s a face, and he proceeded to lose clean in a very good 15- or 20-minute match on RAW.

So DB came out the next week and declared he was invoking his rematch clause for WrestleMania. Sheamus was cool with it, then hit him with the Blarney Boot just because. The match is on, and DB has reason to be angry.

What’s expected: Now, these guys already have some history. A year or two ago, DB won a triple threat match between himself, John Morrison, and The Miz to get the US Title in the first place. The next night on RAW, Sheamus squashed him, and the entire IWC went up in arms as if they were Trekkies forced to endure a remake of Star Trek: The Motion Picture with Spock being played by Danny DeVito. Cooler heads (mine) pointed out that it’s only a problem if DB gets squashed again, which he wasn’t; they had a rematch the next week and proved they had some in-ring chemistry.

If I may digress, those same IWC morons—the ones who continue to call DB “Danielson” just because they can’t stand WWE renaming him despite the fact that they rename practically everyone—didn’t lose their shit when Sheamus has been on his losing streak, so take that for what you will. I’m no DB hater, I think he’s fantastic in the ring and is a breath of fresh air for the cookie cutter big men we’ve had to deal with in WWE for the past decade, but I’m also enough of a realist to understand that he’s not Superman and he’s not going to always come out ahead or looking like the second coming of Eddie Guerrero.

Anyway… those few matches DB and Sheamus had proved they had good in-ring chemistry, and it was further proven for DB and Sheamus’s strong title match. Although there are no additional stipulations for this match, if DB and Sheamus even try to have a match as good as they had a few weeks ago on RAW, it will be extremely entertaining and fun.

My thoughts and predictions: Sheamus needs the win, and the US Title needs some freshening up, so I’ve got Sheamus retaining here. I think the match will be solid, but nothing to write home about. DB will probably be asked to slightly restrain himself here, since he can’t (or shouldn’t) overshadow the two title matches and Taker/Trips, but I’d be surprised if the match isn’t a fun one.

Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes

Match type: Singles

What’s on the line: Nothing

What’s led up to this: A year or two ago, after Legacy split up, Cody Rhodes moved to SmackDown and changed his gimmick from “self-aware metrosexual douche” to “unaware metrosexual nancy boy who thinks it’s dashing to have a nose stud and nose hair trimmers.” He was pretty boring in that role in the grand scheme of things, but I’ll admit he was entertaining other than his “beauty tip” vignettes.

Well, last year in December, he had a match with Rey Mysterio. Rey was wearing a knee brace at the time and he hit Cody with the 619, which broke Cody’s nose. Cody was forced to wear a plastic Phantom of the Opera mask as a result, and he’s sworn vengeance on the luchadore, beating the crap out of him whenever possible. Their match at Mania will settle it.

What’s expected: I’m on record as being less interested in Rey as I probably should be. Rey is stellar in the ring and really fun to watch, but… I don’t know… I guess “plucky underdog” has just been run into the ground for me. So maybe it’s my problem more than a problem with Rey, but just speaking for myself, I’m simply uninterested in this match.

Cody meanwhile isn’t doing anything astounding in the ring either. He has stepped up his aggression lately, and if he translates that into a bigger variety of moves in the ring, I’ll be happier. I think it’s a miss that there are no stipulations for this match at all, but nothing really comes to mind either.

My thoughts and predictions: If Cody indeed translates that aggression to a bigger move set, then we might have something here. If he doesn’t, well… it’ll be a decent but nothing special match that’s worthy of being on SmackDown, maybe. Neither guy has any friends in their corners, so I figure there won’t be any shenanigans unless chairs or whatnot are introduced.

I’ve already picked enough heels to win and I don’t think this match is going to be anything but a blow-off to the feud, so I’m sure Rey will pick up the victory here. Lord knows what he or Cody is going to do afterwards, but at least for now, Rey will come out on top.

Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole

Match type: Singles, with Stone Cold Steve Austin as the guest referee

What’s on the line: Nothing

What’s led up to this: NXT was not taken overly seriously by WWE. As a result, the commentators were not taking it seriously, and were given room to make personal snide comments and other stupidity that probably wouldn’t have worked on the real shows. This culminated in Michael Cole being kind of a dick to Daniel Bryan, even having a mini-angle between the two of them.

Evidently, someone in WWE thought this was so totally the most awesome thing ever, so Cole was even more released from his leash, especially when NXT Season 3 (a.k.a., Girl NXT) hit the Internet airwaves. Cole increasingly became a cartoon of himself, sending tact and decorum out the window in favor of being loud, obnoxious, and face-punchingly awful. But the crazy thing is, it worked: the fans turned to absolutely loathing Cole, but what many people don’t realize is that they’re hating him for the right reasons. Cole has this magic ability to push the buttons of the fans, something some wrestling heels can’t always do. (There’s a difference between booed because you’re boring and unentertaining, and being booed because you’re being a jerk and drawing the exact reaction you’re trying to draw.) Cole wound up being the “voice” of WWE by always reading the messages from the anonymous general manager on RAW, adding “And I quote” to the lexicon of WWE catchphrases.

The fans hated it and him, just encouraging him to be even more of a dick. This culminated in Cole, now engrained as a heel, to side with The Miz. When Miz and Jerry Lawler started playing with each other, Cole took it upon himself to disrupt their title match, preventing Jerry—who was barely an arm’s length away from the title during a ladder match—from ever becoming WWE Champion.

Cole backpedalled and tried to apologize, but from there things got personal. Cole continued to berate and otherwise be an asshole to Jerry, who wound up having some real-life tragedy as his mother passed away a week before the last pay-per-view (Elimination Chamber) before WrestleMania. Jerry went out and competed against Miz anyway for their blow-off match with the title on the line, but ultimately fell short again. In what had to have been done with Jerry’s permission, Cole went out the next night and rhetorically asked Jerry what it must have been like for his mom to have the best seat in the house to watch her son fail miserably.

That tore it, and Jerry proceeded to declare that if he can’t go into his first WrestleMania match as WWE Champion, he at least wants to go into his first WrestleMania match to beat the shit out of Cole. Cole accepted, then got Jack Swagger as his personal trainer, and wanted to further stack the deck by hiring a guest referee. He got John Bradshaw Layfield to come to Monday Night RAW and make a speech to hype up Cole, but then Steve Austin came out. After opening up a can of whoop-ass on JBL with two Stunners, and after opening up about six hundred cans of beer, Austin signed the guest referee contract.

What’s expected: Pure sports entertainment here. Jerry is far past his prime and, though I believe he deserves a WrestleMania match—yet another point that I and the IWC disagree with each other over—he is clearly not going to set the world on fire with shooting star presses or anything. Cole is even less talented, but we’ve never seen him in a match before, so who knows? Maybe he’ll manage to at least have the most basic ring psychology and not screw everything up.

Not that this will be an actual match. I assume it will be the type where Cole will spend half the match getting himself psyched up, and then spend the other half of the match running away as Jerry chases him around ringside. Jack Swagger will be in Cole’s corner and will assuredly be there to run interference. But with Austin as the guest ref, he’ll keep shenanigans to a minimum… unless he’s the one doing the shenanigans.

My thoughts and predictions: This will be one of two piss break matches on the card. With Jim Ross appearing during RAW a couple weeks ago to side with Lawler, I’d be shocked if he doesn’t show up during WrestleMania. He’ll at least call the match, but he suffered an ankle lock from Jack and another one from Cole, so he’s due to give a few eyeball punches in the heels’ general direction. I’m sure JR will appear and help call the match, then get in his shots, and pose with the heel corpses with Jerry and Austin.

Lord knows what Cole is going to do after this, but Cole will lose, and he’ll lose hard. And it will be great to watch, unless you’re a wanker.

Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella, & Vladimir Kozlov vs. The Corre (comprised of Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, Heath Slater, & Ezekiel Jackson)

Match type: Eight-man one-fall

What’s on the line: Nothing

What’s led up to this: Nothing. It was just randomly announced on Monday.

The guys do have some recent history with each other. Santino and Vladimir possessed the WWE Tag Titles for several months, then lost them to Gabriel and Slater. Santino and Vlad lost the rematch as well, but otherwise have basically left them alone.

Meanwhile, Corre randomly started beating up Kane and Big Show, to prove their dominance, I guess. Wade—the de facto leader even though Corre supposedly doesn’t have a leader—hasn’t said what their intentions are beyond just kicking ass and taking names. Which I suppose works well enough for professional wrestling, so whatever.

Anyway, Kane seems to have turned face at this point, going so far as to mimic Santino’s “trombone” celebration on Monday, which was a trippy experience. So Kane and Show teaming with Vlad and Santino seems like a marriage of convenience rather than for an actual purpose.

What’s expected: I assume this match is the curtain jerker, so I’ll be amazed if it’s anything more than a longer version of a TV-caliber match. At least with eight guys, they can keep the pace really fast throughout, and maybe distract the fans away from the fact that it’s a totally pointless match. It’ll be a decent opener though, and that’s all that really matters.

My thoughts and predictions: I think it’s a tragedy that you’re wrapping up two titles—the Intercontinental and the Tag Team—in a pointless eight-man tag match, but whatever. Those titles are clearly unimportant for WWE’s universe.

I hope the match ends on one of those epic “everyone does their finisher” spots. Either way, there is no possible outcome here other than Corre picking up the victory, probably with Wade Barrett’s Wasteland. Having Corre lose, especially after they got their asses kicked on Monday, will just hurt their team’s credibility. Corre is on a streak, and there really isn’t a reason for them to slow down, especially given that Wade won the IC belt a week or two ago and has momentum coming into it. Conversely, no one on the face team will really lose credibility from the loss. Santino and Vlad left the title scene just as they flirted with outstaying their welcome, a rare occurrence in WWE’s “Creative” Team pulling the plug at the perfect moment. And Kane and Show will never lose credibility, especially if they go out on SmackDown next week and challenge Gabriel and Slater for the Tag Titles or something.

Dolph Ziggler & Laycool (comprised of Michelle McCool & Layla) vs. John Morrison, Trish Stratus, & Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Match type: 6-person mixed tag (men cannot fight women and vice versa)

What’s on the line: Dignity and sanity

What’s led up to this: Someone on the WWE “Creative” Team said, “Hey, we don’t have the IWC wankers angry at us enough. We’ve got Trish Stratus back, so let’s put her against the most shrill, annoying, nonsensical, slutty television personality who ironically has no personality whatsoever other than getting drunk and insulting an entire ethnicity merely by existing.” And because Charlie Sheen is male, they went with Snooki.

So Snooki was a guest host of RAW for absolutely no reason, and she was shoved around by Michelle McCool again for absolutely no reason. Trish was there also, so Trish and Snooki beat up Laycool. They’re friends with Vickie, so Vickie got involved in the process, and when her man, Dolph Ziggler, got involved as well to defend her, John Morrison came down to even up the sides.

Or something. Quite honestly, I’m trying to purge it from my memory.

What’s expected: Ironically, I don’t think this will be a train wreck. Dolph Ziggler has gotten better since I crapped on him months ago, Morrison can always be counted on to deliver some amazing offense, Trish proved she hasn’t lost a step, Layla is competent, Michelle is slightly less competent but doesn’t entirely suck… about the only one who isn’t ring-capable is Snooki, and she can at least brawl a bit. No one is asking for a five-star technical match from her, and I think Layla is good enough that she can hide Snooki’s flaws. I don’t know if Michelle is up to the same task, but if at any point Snooki starts doing something retarded like humping the ropes or propositioning everyone in the first row, Trish can come in and save the workrate.

My thoughts and predictions: The only serious problem I have with the match is that I assume it’ll be among the last we see. There is no way WWE is retarded enough to put Cena/Miz, ADR/Edge, and Taker/Trips back-to-back-to-back, because the crowd will completely get burned out (especially if Taker/Trips doesn’t go last). Snooki will probably get to be the piss break match between Taker/Trips and Cena/Miz, so she very well might be the co-main event. And I’m going to be crying the whole time.

I’m going to cry even hard when Snooki’s hand is raised in victory, which it will be. Celebrities always go over in WrestleMania: Mr. T goes over, Lawrence Taylor goes over, Floyd Mayweather goes over, etc. Snooki will, sadly, be no different. Hopefully it’s short enough that I can get on with the PPV with me throwing my remote through the TV.

Other WrestleMania XXVII Stuff

Like last year, there’s no divas’ match on the card. (Or rather, like last year when I made the column. Apparently, after I wrote my thoughts last year was when they announce Beth Phoenix vs. whoever for the Women’s Title.) It’s not just that the Divas Title is tied up somewhere else like the IC and Tag Titles… the Divas Title is simply nowhere to be seen. I’m all for keeping Eve off TV, but not while she’s holding the belt, and especially not at friggin’ WrestleMania.

A quick visit to WWE.com tells me that the divas had a match on Superstars this week, a match that included My Melina and Natalya. The teaser on the site said “Which diva walks into WrestleMania with a win?,” implying that whoever won will, somehow, be involved with the show. Maybe the battle royal was a #1 contendership for the Divas Title against Eve? I don’t care if they just have retarded bikini contest or dancing contest or singing contest, as long as the women get their PPV payday.

I mean, WWE tends to want to get everyone involved with WrestleMania. It wouldn’t surprise me if, prior to the show, we get some sort of crazy battle royal with everyone who isn’t being used. Kofi being left off the card is criminal, Ted DiBiase and Drew McIntyre both have no reason not to be there, and none of the NXT Season 5 pros have matches on the card either. I don’t think the NXT rookies will be involved in the show—they weren’t last year—but their pros might get to play with each other somehow.

Just adding one match to make it an even ten will give us plenty to do for four hours, especially when you factor in that they’re going to show video packages for literally everything. It’s going to be a packed night!

We’re going to have Steve Austin and The Rock on the same damn show for the first time in like eight or nine years. I’ll bet my next paycheck that there will be some interaction between the two. It won’t be a match, but for them not to mention something with them both being there would be ridiculous. Maybe another duet? Who knows. But it’ll be a sweet little WrestleMania Moment throwback to the Attitude Era.

Rick’s got the recap for Mania, and Online Onslaught will have a small surprise for you the day after that, so you won’t want to miss it. Overall, I’m looking forward to Mania this year, and I’ve got my snacks and drinks all ready to go. Enjoy your weekend and the show, folks, and as always, come back to Online Onslaught for all your WWE news and reviews!