OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT SMACKDOWN RECAP
Edge's "R" Apparently Doesn't Stand for "Retirement"
April 23, 2011

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of Online Onslaught

SI gots me a feeling that this one's gonna be a bit on the short and sweet side, kids.

Why? Well, (1) this week's SmackDown had a really high fast-forward quotient, so there's less Actual Content to till you about. But also, (2) the Reds are the FOX Game of the Week, so this needs to be done before 4pm so that I can try to figure out if it's possible to align the game on TV with the local radio broadcast.

I mean, it's absolutely awesome to have the Reds be relevent at the national level like this (we're also the ESPN Sunday Night game of the wee tomorrow), but I am NOT going to suffer through Tim F. McCarver any sooner than absolutely necessary.

And technology permitting, "absolutely necessary" will not be until October, during Yankees games.

Let's get a move on...

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're taped in London, England. Josh Mathews and Booker T welcome us, touting a huge show where both the InterContinental and Tag titles will be up for grabs. Part way thought their intro, they are interrupted by Michael Cole, who wastes no fewer than 3 minutes of our time strolling to ringside, wearing some goofy "royal" outfit, and blathering about who knows what, because I FF'd.

Cody Rhodes' Butterface Theatre

Cody hits the ring, accompanied by a couple Hired Goons who are pushing shopping carts full of something. Cody, decked out in his oh-so-stylish hooded windbreaker, proceeds to talk for about 5 minutes on the topic of masks, and his feelings about them. Despite taking 5 minutes of sometimes-incoherent ranting, I assure you his feelings are summed up thusly:

(1) Cody wears a mask, but only because it's required for his safety
(2) Rey Mysterio wears a mask, but only because he's a lying hypocrite who's hiding something
(3) The fans should all be wearing masks, because they are all hideous, and it disgusts Cody to look at them

Cody then reveals that the Goons are in possession of paper bags with the eyes and mouth cut out, and he orders them to take the shopping carts around ringside and pass them out to the fans. And then he orders the fans to wear them. Some do. Some don't.

But before Cody can razz the fans any more than he already has (with more of his too-hokey-to-take-seriously babbling, this time compounded with some flubbed/awkward lines), Rey Mysterio is out to move us forward. Cuz tonight's a WM27 rematch, and he wants to get started. He's on his way to the ring, which can only mean it's time for....

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Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes

Back from the ad break, and we're joined in progress. Cody is in nominal command, working Rey's ribs. Hope spots for Rey are dashed for the first few minutes (including one neat spot where Rey went for something flippy, but Cody trapped him and hit a Drop Down Torture Rack). Match goes to the outside, and Rhodes continues to dominate. When he sends Rey splatting onto the ringside barricade, he pauses to admire his handiwork, which means it's time for more...

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Back, and it's a more methodical pace for Cody (read: restholds), as he continues to be in control till about the 10 minute mark. That's when Rey begins a serious rally, leading up to an attempted high cross body off the top rope. But Cody catches his with a dropkick. Both men down. As both men get up, Cody's in slightly better shape. So he decides to try for CrossRhodes, but Rey weasels out. Cody's counter-to-the-counter is to try to grab Rey for a powerbomb. But much like Billy Kidman, Rey will not be powerbombed. Rey flips through into a pinning combination, and the element of surprise is enough to earn him the 3 count.

Your Winner: Rey Mysterio, via pinfall, in 15 minutes. Didn't suck, but the apathy towards Cody is palpable, and that does sap some of the sizzle from an otherwise adequate bout.

After the Match: Rhodes pretty much leaps to his feet right after being surprised by the roll-up, and attacks Rey. It spills into the crowd, where Rey is able to stage a rally. The back and forth brawl lasts a good couple of minutes, but when it spills back out of the crowd, Cody gains the upper hand and hits CrossRhodes on the floor. This post-match bit sets the stage for the Extreme Rules PPV, where Cody and Rey will be having a Falls Count Anywhere Match.

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Backstage: Wade Barrett and Justin Gabriel are discussing (bickering about) the RAW Battle Royale where Gabriel eliminated Wade. Heath Slater wanders in and throws his support behind his tag partner, forcing Wade to re-consider the "everybody's equal" theory behind the Corre. Which is when Zeke Jackson shows up just in time to say that's a great idea, because he's ready to be the leader of the group. The other 3 are now suddenly united in thinking Zeke is being a jerk. Zeke senses the tension and claims he's just joking around. But the tension is only partially defused...

Earlier This Week: Michelle and Layla attended another therapy session. More back-and-forth with Michelle being the heel and Layla the face (and the therapist being useless), until Michelle dares to say Layla is not, contrary to previous claims, Flawless. Oh no she di-int! Layla's delicate feelings are crushed, and she is on the verge of tears. Michelle seems to be genuinely sorry for going too far, and consoles Layla with the Hug of G-Rated Totally Non-Lesbian Just Friends-y-ness. But then, when Michelle asks if Layla is feeling better, and Layla says "Yep," Michelle pushes her to the ground and basically says Layla should take her therapy sessions and shove 'em. Michelle walks out, and Layla's back to almost crying. [It should be noted that Layla was ever-so-close to looking criminally hot with that outfit she was earing. But who in the blue hell wears pantyhose under jean shorts? So wang shrivelling...]

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I Hate Michael Cole

Cole gets in the ring and blathers for another 2-3 minutes. Sorry, but I FF'd again. I stop when I see he's shifted from pointless blather mode to Ring Announcer Mode. He introduces us to his trainer, who is here for a match....

Jack Swagger vs. Trent Baretta

I don't recap squashes.

Your Winner: Jack Swagger in under 2 minutes. These are not the droids we're looking for. Move along.

Crap: Big Show appeared on Nickelodeon. And now WWE repeated the whole thing for the benefit of those of us who aren't under the age of 14, so that we could FF it.

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Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater vs. Big Show/Kane (Tag Team Title Match)

Zeke is out in support of the champs, standing guard at ringside. Very brief back and forth to start, but by the 90 second mark, Kane's the face in peril thanks to Zeke Jackson lending a hand to Gabriel while Slater kept the ref distracted. Classic cut the ring in half/frequent tags strategy for another 2 minutes. Hot tag to Big Show, who is a the proverbial flammable domicile as he press slams Gabriel out of the ring (Gabriel lands on Zeke, so both are down), and then chokeslams Slater for the 3 count. Just like that.

Your Winners, and NEW Tag Team Champions: Big Show and Kane, via pinfall, in 4 minutes. That was fast. As a match, it was just there. But more than likely, it facilitates the Corre being dissolved in the Monday Draft. It also raises the question: who is going to be able to beat Show/Kane now that WWE has once again put the titles on a "super team" for the first time in a while?

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Backstage: Slater and Gabriel are arguing. Not with each other, but with Zeke, claiming he was supposed to be at ringside to help them, and he did nothing. Zeke protested, saying he did all he could, and it's not like HE was the one who got pinned. He said that last bit with a meaningful look right at Slater. Then Zeke left. But then Slater realized that Gabriel was looking at him with an accusatory stare. Slater's all "What are you lookin' at?" and Gabriel's all "Well, he kinda had a point, now that I think of it" and so Slater shoves Gabriel back into a pile of equipment. TENSION~!

Drew McIntyre vs. Chris F. Masters

I don't recap squashes.

Your Winner: Drew McIntyre, via pinfall, in 6 minutes. Hey, I said it was a squash. I didn't say it was short. For some reason, this way overstayed its welcome considering the utter lack of credibility and gravitas possessed by CFM, and was easily thrice as long as it needed to be.

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An Entire 8 Minute Segment of Nothing: first, a lengthy recap of the Morrison/Truth stuff from Monday. Then, a lengthy recap of the Rey/Cody stuff from earlier. Then, a bunch of hype for the next PPV from Josh/Booker. Throw in the pair of 3-minute ad breaks that bookended this uselessness, and that adds up to 14 straight minutes of FF.

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Wade Barrett vs. Kofi Kingson (IC Title Match)

Zeke is again out to be at ringside in support of a Corre brother. Kofi starts out quick, so Wade decides to try to ol' "take a powder" tactic. If there were any live fans wanting to cheer their fellow Brit, these cowardly antics out of the gate changed their minds, and Wade was playing to all boos. Eventually, Kofi gives chase to Wade, and after a bit of cat and mouse, Kofi nails Wade with a top-rope-to-the-floor clothesline. After a big move like that, Wade's toast, and Kofi's slow to recover, so let's break for...

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Back, and Wade's in control, so we get treated to a little split screen action showing that Wade milked the ref's count for all he could after the big-ass flying clothesline, but Kofi didn't want to win by count-out, so he went to go drag Wade back into the ring... Wade was playing possum, and hung Kofi out to dry across the top ring rope. Which gets us up to speed on why Wade's in control.

Just in time for Wade to not be in control. Kofi fired up, and the two eventually taking it out of the ring, brawling in front of the announcers. With the ref preoccupied with something or other, Zeke tries to get involved, but Kofi dodges, and Jackson ends up tackling Wade. This leads to a verbal battle between the two, with Zeke deciding "To hell with you," and walking out.

Kofi's right there to take advantage of Wade's distractedness, but a quick roll-up only gets a 2 count. It also refocuses Wade on the matter at hand. When Kofi tries to go up to the top rope, Barrett knocks him off, and immediately goes for a cover after the hard fall... and using his body to block the ref, Wade also grabs the middle ring rope for Extra Leverage, and is able to hold Kofi down for the count.

Your Winner, and still IC Champ: Wade Barrett, via pinfall, in 10 minutes. Decent enough, but still nothing to write home about. If the Corre is dissolving, the story will be that the other guys couldn't hold onto their title without help from the group, but Wade was capable of holding onto his all by himself. Which is a pretty good story to tell if you want to get Barrett's character rehabbed back to the level it was last summer/fall.

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Alberto del Rio's Retirement Party for Edge

Typical entrance for Alberto, as he joins Ricardo and Brodus in a ring that has been decked out with balloons and a small collection of gifts that are hidden under blankets.

In a god-awful post-production decision, as soon as del Rio starts talking, they dubbed in some background music. You know, like they did for the ultra-gay Kane promos last fall. Except Mexican, instead of spooky. I don't have the words to describe how embarassingly bad it looks/sounds. But I wish I did, because if I did, then maybe this wouldn't be the 4th or 5th time in the last six months that WWE pulled this horseshit.

In this case, the post-production isn't exactly ruining a future classic of a promo. It's basically Alberto making light of Edge being old and crippled, because that's what all retirees are. The gifts are: a grandfather clock (so Edge can hear his last seconds on earth ticking away), Depends brand adult diapers (so Edge can deal with his impending incontinence), an enormously fat woman pretending to be Lita (so Edge can have companionship in his dying days), a walker (so Edge can go on romantic walks with the wider-than-she-was-tall version of Lita), and finally, a handicap scooter (so Edge can still get around as his body falls apart).

And then, as del Rio reminds us that this showcase showdown exists only because of the beneficence of himself, the Essence of Excellence, Alberto del Rrrrrrrrree....

Here's Edge's music interrupting him. And there's Edge on the entrance stage, sporting his "Edge Farewell Tour" t-shirt. He's got a mic, and he asks why Alberto's so surprised. Apparently Edge RSVP'd that he'd be there, because honestly, who misses their own retirement party? But he did it on the tweeties or the facebooks or whatever, so maybe an aloof fancy lad like Alberto missed it.

Further, now that Edge is here for his own party, he can't help but notice that it kinda sucks. He theorizes that Alberto's not just poor at party planning, he may be a full-blown party pooper. And with all that meat in the ring, what with Brodus and Fake Lita, Alberto was in possession of damn near a ton and a half of poop. Somehow, this doesn't come accross nearly as badly as it could, and the fans even start up a "Poop... Poop... Poop" chant. And when they do, Albert loses it, and orders Brodus to go attack Edge.

Brodus looks as though he's going to enjoy this, and takes his time, savoring it, because he knows Edge is a defensely cripple.... but his lethargy is his undoing, as Christian runs in (coming out of the audience) and intercepts Brodus. Alberto tries to turn it into a 2-on-1, but Christian's able to fend them off once he gets his hands on a ladder.

Showing del Rio what's in store for him at the PPV, Christian uses the ladder to take out the entire trio (Fat Lita is spared). Then Christian sets the ladder up in the middle of the ring, and climbs to the top. Once there, he poses with the World Heavywight Title belt (which had been hanging over head all night, as a reminder that the title is currently vacant). Edge looks very proud as he applauds his best friend to close out the show.

And so ended the show. Other than the retarded over-dubbed music during the final segment, there wasn't really anything BAD going on here. But there sure was a lot that was pretty worthless: it's like I tuned in for SmackDown, and an episode of "Superstars" broke out at some points.

And if I wanted Superstars, I'd watch Superstars. But wait: I can't watch Superstars because it's cancelled. Because NOBODY wanted to watch Superstars.

Anyhoo, armed with a FF Button, this was a 2 hour show that became a just-slightly-over-1-hour show. That version of the show didn't make me want to ram a red hot poker up my own ass. So that's something.

See you Monday, kids. It's Draft Night, so don't miss it.

RAW SATIRE: Nunzio, the Female Body Inspector

RAW RECAP: R-Truth is One Angry Black Man

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Terrorists Win

RAW SATIRE: Wrestling's Most Wanted

RAW RECAP: T-Minus 48 Weeks, and Counting

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2011

OOTRR: WWE Unforgiven 2004 Re-Revued

RAW SATIRE: WHAMMY'D~!

NEWSFLASH: 2011 WWE Draft Results

RAW RECAP: Now You See Him, Now You Still See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Edge's Busy Retirement

RAW SATIRE: England is Flavor Country

RAW RECAP: Changing Plans

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bittersweet Victory

RAW SATIRE: Who is Sin Cara?

RAW RECAP: Other Stuff Happened, Too

NEWSFLASH: Edge Retires

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Third Time's the Charm

RAW SATIRE: Think of the Children!

RAW RECAP: Cena and Rock Ask You to Save the Date

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 27

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT: A Throwback WrestleMania?

PYRO'S PPV CORNER: WrestleMania 27

RAW SATIRE: Big Red Tromboner

RAW RECAP: Finally...

RAW SATIRE: Thrown Under the Bus

NXT RECAP: Like a Cow Chewing its Own Cud...

RAW RECAP: Sweet Sweet Vengeance

RAW SATIRE: Jersey Wisdom?

NXT RECAP: The Case for William Regal

RAW RECAP: Miz = Winning

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Who Won NXT, Again?

RAW SATIRE: G-Rilla is Here!

NXT RECAP: Is This Really Necessary?

RAW RECAP: The Soul Crushing Finale

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Christian to the Rescue (Again)

RAW SATIRE: Miz's Addition by Subtraction Theatre

NXT RECAP: Johnny Curtis?!? Really?!?

RAW RECAP: Phoning it In

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hasta la Vista, Vickie

RAW SATIRE: Scandal in the Tag Ranks

NXT RECAP: What the What?!?

RAW RECAP: Silence is Golden

OO: What I'll Remember About Chris Benoit

NEWS CENTRAL: All Updates About Benoit Tragedy

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.