Probably my favorite discovery during my vacation is MLB.tv. I argued with myself about whether to buy it, since $120 for baseball seemed a little extreme, given that I wasn’t sure how much I would actually watch it. But I bit the bullet, and I’m glad I did; other than nights where I had other priorities, I’ve watched a baseball game or two per day, every day, since I got it a few weeks ago. 

Given ticket prices nowadays, and given the fact that I don’t get WGN stations on my DISH Network package, it’s paid for itself. Go Cubs! Even though you’re three games under .500!

It was a treat to watch Roy Halladay beat the ever-loving shit out of everyone he faces too, culminating in his near-complete game with 14 strikeouts against the Padres last week. Halladay is my new favorite non-Cubs player. I have a good feeling for anyone who has him on their fantasy baseball roster.

Also, I’m actually digging the newest Mortal Kombat. I’m playing it for a guide for IGN Entertainment, but it’s fairly enjoyable; I’m not doing the guide just for the paycheck. It’s the first MK I’ve actually enjoyed since the one back on the Nintendo 64 (which one was that? MK4? MK5?). Wanna guess who my favorite character is?

…

Did you say “Mileena”? CONGRATULATIONS!!! …You’re an idiot, because she sucks. Sonya Blade and Smoke for the win, baby. Besides, Mileena’s demon teeth are a serious turn off…

Oh god, run away! RUN AWAY!!!

Hopefully I’ll get to see MY Melina tonight, who doesn’t have crazy demon teeth nor an appetite that can only be sated by blood and the nightmares of children with Down Syndrome. And if not? Hey, at least we’ve got The Rock’s big birthday bash! Let’s roll, and see if I still remember how to do this…

Opening: I wasn’t going to mention anything about yesterday’s big news, mostly because you know it already. I said my piece about it on my blog, and I wasn’t going to say anything more, but WWE is opening with a tribute to both 9/11 and, I guess, 5/1, if that day will go down in history as a new anniversary.

Oh, for the love of… WWE is talking about it because they’re fellating themselves. WWE, you may recall, had the first live gathering of people for a single event after the tragedies on 9/11. Well, now, I guess they’re so totally awesome because they’re the first gathering of people for a single event after Osama’s death (I guess ignoring all the goddamn sports games and everything). WWE is going so far as to date their title plate, so we all know that not only is this live from Miami, it’s also May 2nd. Isn’t this overkill? Or am I over-thinking it?

Whatever. We’re opening tonight with the one and only Lilian Garcia belting out one phenomenal version of the Star Spangled Banner, concluding with a deafening “USA! USA!” chant. I get the sentiment, but… really? Was any of this necessary? [Ed. Note: When I heard WWE wanted Lilian there for the Rock's party, I assumed it was to facilitate various pastry-related exchanges, just like back in the good old days. All things considered, the Anthem was a much classier use of Lilian. Except for the backing track. Now that we've got Osama taken care of, we need to track down and kill the composer of that atrocity, or else the terrorists will have won.]

Well… hopefully this uber-patriotism will taper off after this one-shot song and we can move with the—

Josh Mathews: “We’re celebrating patriotism tonight!”

…Goddamnit. All we need is Hacksaw Jim Duggan to come out and do his thing to bring the crowd to simultaneous climax.

Segment 1: No dice, here comes The Rock, soaking in the cheers and taking a half hour to get to the ring. “Before I get started, I’ve got one thing to say… We got him!” Sigh.

Rock thanks the troops, which is fine, and I’m sure I speak for Rick when I say that OO thanks them too. Then he leads them in a standing Pledge of Allegiance, which brings up another “USA!” chant.

Rock then puts himself over in ways only he can, but quickly finishes his autobiography to say that he’s ready to get this party started, if we smell what—

What’s this? General Manager Windows Vista has something to say! Michael Cole starts to read it, but Rock shut that shit down real fast. But Rock invites Cole to read the e-mail to face rather than from behind his Lexan Cole Mine. Cole declines, so Rock plays reverse psychology and says that Cole is either a tough guy and enters the ring—which should so totally be no problem for him since he won last night—or be a “drunk hobbit jackbag bitch” (whatever that is) and stay in his Cole Mine.

Cole says that he’s not afraid of anyone or anything, then removes his suit jacket and even unbuttons his shirt… to reveal a Kevin Garnett Celtics jersey for the Miami crowd, instantly pissing them off. He says that he will indeed deliver the message, “so wait right there, Dwayne.” Ouch.

Cole gets in the ring, and reports that the GM wants a personal apology or else this party is over before it begins. But then Cole demands an apology as well, for all the embarrassment and humiliation he’s caused him over the years. Rock actually does give an apology and offers his hand, but Cole has seen WWE before and isn’t so sure he should take it. Rock talks a bit more sweetly and convinces Cole to shake hands… which quickly turns into a Rock Bottom. Rock said something that was bleeped. Rock looked at Cole’s jersey and I think he said “Go Heat, bitch.” Anyway, Rock also hits the People’s Elbow because that’s how he rolls.

Then Rock introduces someone named Pitbull, who must a Miami celebrity (“We’re gonna celebrate Dade County style!”), who then proceeds to… uh… rap? Whatever it is, it’s monotone, awful, annoying as fuck, and makes me want to punch my TV. The Miami Heat dancers—or girls who are just wearing Miami Heat halter tops—come out and do asynchronous dance moves while Pitbull sexually harasses everyone. He propositions everyone for some sweet Pitbull lovin’ while he pretty much looks up one of the dancer’s assholes, proving once again that WWE’s de facto TV-G rating lasts only as long as is convenient.

Shit. I should have extended my vacation one more week.

Segment 2: We’re supposed to have John Morrison vs. R-Truth, but during JoMo’s entrance, Truth ran down and beat the shit out of him. I guess what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Truth’s physical punch line is one-armed falling sit-down neckbreaker, which JoMo sells like a gunshot. Four refs send Truth to the back and help JoMo up the ramp, but the camera is on him way longer than usual, and…

Yep, here comes R-Truth again, doing the move again at the top of the ramp. JoMo’s collarbone has apparently turned to Jell-O, and Truth gives us his crazy eyes as he surveys the damage.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Maryse defeats Kelly Kelly by disqualification, probably, except nobody cares. Kelly Kelly and Maryse start a match, where K2 does one (1) move: a simple running DDT that looked completely awful and resulted in Maryse acting like she was anesthetized. Then, Kharma hits the ring, at which point Kelly retreats to the corner, sits on her ass, and looks afraid. Given that it took Kharma almost as long as The Rock to get to the ring, you’d that if K2 was really scared, she’d, you know, just leave the fucking ring.

But Kharma gets to the ring, instead goes after Maryse, hitting her with a move that looks damn near identical to Michelle McCool’s Faithbreaker, which Maryse sells like it killed her. Kharma then undresses K2 with her eyes, and leaves. Jim Ross: “Thank goodness.” …Yes, I guess we’re happy Kharma didn’t do any damage… except to Maryse, because fuck her, apparently.

Segment 4: The Miz is in the back, staring off into space. Alex Riley, who is also there in a suit, wants to talk to him. Miz cuts him off and asks why the hell Alex wasn’t here earlier, and why he wasn’t in Miz’s corner when John Cena beat him last night for the title. Alex explains he was drafted to SmackDown because Miz apparently slept through last week’s episode, and Miz counters that his indentured servitude contract overrides silly things like drafts.

Miz wants Alex to get back on track, and he demands Miz in his corner for tonight’s main event, where Miz invokes his rematch clause and gets his title back from Cena. Thrilling.

Segment 5: Rock is in the back, talking up the entire divas roster except for My Melina. Goddamn, Rosa Mendes looks good.

Oh wait, it’s not just the divas, because the guys are there too in dress T-shirts. Santino Marella’s present to Rock is being dressed as Rock’s character from Fast Five, which Rock pimps. Then Hornswoggle comes along dressed as Rock from The Scorpion King. Then comes Khali dressed in a pink tutu from The Tooth Fairy.

And then Ron Simmons appears. He eloquently describes exactly what I think about this episode so far tonight.

Segment 6 [Singles Match for the WWE Title]: The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) defeats John Cena by pin, and is the NEW WWE Champion! Good match, especially thanks to the insanely hot crowd, pretty rapid-fire after the commercial. Plenty of teases and falls, double-reversey moves, and each guy took the other’s finisher. There was a ref bump leading to an SSTF, in which Miz tapped but no one was there to ring the bell.

Alex then started to mess with the ref and fed Miz the title belt. Miz smacked Cena with it, made the pin, and we have a new—

Wait a second, the ref spots the title belt laying in the ring. He puts two and two together—when was the last time that happened?—and… reverses his decision? Holy shit! John Cena RETAINS the WWE Title! Miz isn’t happy, and he’s even less happy when Cena gets up and hits both Alex and Miz with FUs. So, uh, good for him, I guess.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: Rey Mysterio & Kofi Kingston defeat Drew McIntyre & Jack Swagger by pin. Pure formula. Probably a good quality match but, I have to be honest, all the excitement I had for the show is gone now. The crowd was hot so it was probably pretty good, but I just don’t care.

Alberto del Rio was on commentary and didn’t do the best job at it. He gave vanilla threats to Rey but he didn’t say anything particularly memorable or new. ADR got up at the end and went to the apron during Rey’s final sequence. Rey hit Drew it the 619, climbed the corner, then looked at ADR. I thought Rey was going to do the classic “jump off the top rope and take out the guy who doesn’t matter then lose” spot, but nope: Rey hits a splash on Drew, then makes the pin.

After the win, only then did Rey do a two-legged slide to hit ADR. Nothing further transpired, but Rey shows up ADR tonight.

Segment 8: Back at Rock’s party room, Rock is putting over Christian lightly, and then the party is crashed by WWE’s very own cougar, Vickie Guerrero. She and Dolph Ziggler decide to give Rock the gift of pie… in the form of Mae Young, wearing a one-piece which a “Happy B-Day Rock” sash.

Ah, but the Rock isn’t a jerk, and insists that he’s very happy to see her. In fact, “if Vickie loses all the weight she can, she’ll never be as beautiful as Mae Young.” BURN! Then, with a look of death to Dolph, Rock plants a kiss on Mae’s lips.

Then he turns from her and comes face-to-face with Cena. Cena says his gift to Rock is that he’s got the WWE Championship. And he intends to keep it all the way to WrestleMania 28 (as horrible as that sounds), so it makes the Biggest Match Ever even bigger… that Rock will need to go through Cena to get it. Rock: “Just… bring it.” Cena smirks, says a condescending “Happy birthday,” and leaves as Rock stares angrily at him.

Hot damn, that’s been just about the only entertaining segment all night. Good stuff.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk) by disqualification. Match was about a minute long. Kane was on a tear, then CM Punk interfered, and that was it.

After the match though was the story. Kane slapped the choke on Ryan, but Ryan was somehow able to out-muscle Kane and break the hold, then do a chokeslam of his own. The rest of Nexus then started beating the shit out of Kane.

Then Big Show hit the ring to make the save, which he basically did against the smaller members of Nexus, until Mason put him down with one hit, a hopping Spear. It’s clear: they’re trying to pimp Mason Ryan as Batista, not just in looks (though they sorta helped stop that by making Ryan’s hair longer and his beard less prominent), but in crazy strength too. As Mason retreated, the rest of Nexus eyeballed him like the freak that he is.

Segment 10: It’s after 11pm and Rock comes back out here. Rock thanks everyone for being there, thanks his family, pimps WrestleMania 28, and…

…And here comes Vince McMahon. Huh.

Vince blows a lot of sunshine up Rock’s ass for being so awesome, which draws a “Rocky! Rocky!” chant. He thanks Rock for his respect, passion, humanity, and finally… “I thank you, Rock, for being… The Rock.” Very nice sentiment.

Vince says that WWE’s production staff has put together a little present for him, and thanks Rock for finally coming home.

And we fade-cut to a nice video package set to Diddy’s “I’m Coming Home” that chronicles Rock’s participation in WrestleMania 27 as well as a slide show of pictures from different periods of his life, interspersed with shots of the Miami skyline. Pretty sweet, and worth checking out if you’re a Rock fan.

Once that fades, Rock remains in the ring as some singer named Maia, who I’ve never heard of, sings the non-public domain song “Happy Birthday.” After that, Rock says he loves all of us, he hits his catchphrase, streamers and balloons fall, confetti is blown through the arena, Aaron Rodgers hoists the Lombardi Trophy, the Heavens opened and rained gumdrops onto the people, and everyone is happy.

Final Thoughts: …Except me, because this was a really shitty episode of RAW.

I guess if I had been there, it may have been different. I can say from experience that being at the show is a whole different world than watching it on TV, and maybe the atmosphere and feeding off the crowd would have made everything better. But as we rolled around to 10pm, when there hadn’t been a match (other than the joke of the diva’s match), all I could think about was that the Cubs game was starting at 10:05 and I would miss the first hour or so.

I don’t get it; is WWE sucking up to Rock to keep him around longer than his three months? Is this just tribute to one of the greatest superstars ever? Is this just more happiness added to the news from last night so the whole country is in a mind-numbing euphoria? Am I being too critical and I should just shut the fuck up and enjoy it?

All I know is that, over the three hour show, we basically only had two matches; other than Cena/Miz (which was really good), and the tag match (which was really formulaic and boring), any of the other “matches” existed merely push stories along. I guess if WWE wants to get more away from wrestling in its product, it’s succeeding. So, uh, good for them, I guess.

I admit that maybe I’m being too hard on the episode. The crowd was hot pretty much from beginning to end, so maybe it’s just me out of touch. Maybe if you saw it, you’d love it too. But for me, personally, I’m not so thrilled. Maybe next week, if we have a “normal” episode that isn’t predicated on a birthday party (with random C-list celebrities and one Samuel L. Jackson giving birthday wishes to bookend every single commercial break), maybe it’ll be better.

You guys will see me again not tomorrow, but Saturday. During my vacation I gave up on NXT, and now, you wouldn’t pay me enough to start recapping it again. And further, I’m fairly insulted that Johnny Curtis, alleged winner of NXT4, still hasn’t appeared on TV while Brodus gets matches, prominence, and a presence at freaking WrestleMania. So, I’ll follow Rick’s lead: NXT is hereby a non-entity, and I only care who is on it when they appear on WWE’s main TV shows.

Until this weekend, folks, this is PyroFalkon, signing off and washing the memory of Mileena out of my brain…

Episode Grade: D