WrestleMania… one of only two days out of the year I call my Nothing Healthy Days, where no one in the apartment is allowed to consume anything that doesn’t contain a pound of grease, fat, and/or cheese. TGI Fridays mozzarella sticks are obviously on the menu (and not that Farm Rich shit), as well as TGI Fridays jalapeño poppers just because I want to try them. I’ve got jelly beans, need to get some more soda, and figure out exactly how many people are coming over so I have enough of everything. 
 

Oh, and I obviously can’t forget this: Pure Gold, hosted by David Gomez and Joe Buccino, will be having me as a guest this week on Thursday at 10pm. Follow the link to check out the show, where they’re having a huge wrestling discussion for WrestleMania, which include my thoughts and predictions. Can’t wait for that!

It all comes just in time, when my piles and piles of stress have finally, possibly, maybe, started to atrophy. I’m finally wrapping up my last IGN project for awhile, and I got my diploma finally (though I haven’t looked at it or opened it or anything, because fuck my diploma), and work has finally leveled out. I know the peace won’t last—it never does—but maybe I’ll have more than one day at a time of a peaceful, relaxing routine evening.

And Opening Day is later this week! Can’t forget baseball, in which my interest is renewed due to MLB 11 The Show. Most people get games because they are a fan of the product, but I seem to become a bigger fan of a product due to games. I’m backwards like that.

Okay, enough rambling. We’ve got a huge show tonight, and I’ve got actually given myself a 60-minute overrun on the DVR because I have a feeling I’m going to need it. Or at least most of it, and I don’t want to take chances. Let’s roll!

Segment 1: We cold-open to CM Punk, who is sitting in the ring with a single spotlight on him. I have to admit, I’ve pretty much forgotten about the poor guy with all this Rock/Cena and Trips/Taker stuff going on. But Punk is among many who have not forgotten him, as we’re coming to you from his hometown of Chicago, my second-favorite city in the country.

Punk opens by saying he’s going to miss the cheers, because when he crashes WrestleMania in Atlanta, they won’t be so joyous. All these fans are his people, just like his Nexus goons are his people, and he’s had to sit by as “Randall Keith Orton” has taken them all out. And at Orton’s name, the crowd overwhelmingly boos, which means we’re in Bizarro land despite not being in Canada, and I’m happy. I knew that Chicagoans had good taste, especially in pro baseball teams (the one that doesn’t wear black-and-white)!

Punk goes on that he and Orton are of course different people, and the main difference is that Orton is in Fantasy Land, but Punk himself is a realist. See, he knows that no matter whether you’re a Nexus member or you were born in Chicago, he just doesn’t give a shit.

Ooo, and the cheap heat works, as the crowd fires up a “You suck! You suck!” chant, followed by a “Randy! Randy!” chant. Amazing. Punk goes on that he can get any mindless douchebag to get his coffee or whatever, so he doesn’t give a shit about the loss of his Nexus friends, meaning the “psychological edge” Orton was trying to gain has become completely irrelevant. I’ll save the jokes about the impossibility of Orton doing anything “psychological” on purpose.

Punk says that Orton’s big mistake was the fact that he talked about his personal bus last week, and sadly we have to watch a replay of it. Punk licks his lips and is happy about his Kerrigan actions; Orton cost Punk his title two years ago with a Punt Kick of Doom, and now Punk has cost Orton the respect of his family. And Punk assures us that he’s going to finish things off at WrestleMania, fo’ sho’.

…And here comes Orton to respond, which Punk isn’t surprised about. Orton’s knee is all taped up, and he looks… uh… really, really confused as he pops out of the back. He damaged knee sadly gives him an excuse to approach the ring even slower than normal, his song managing to get halfway through the chorus before the action starts.

Orton limps himself up to the apron, whereupon Punk immediately starts kicking his ass. But Orton fights him off and hits his hangman’s DDT, then starts humping the ring. He backs up to the opposite corner and goes for the Punt Kick of Doom, but his knee predictably gives out, and he flops to the corner.

Punk manages to get out of the ring, and the crowd changes its mind and starts a “CM Punk!” chant. Punk spots the injury and gets in the ring, prompting the crowd to fire up a “Randy! Randy!” chant, so the crowd seems split about 50/50 now. Orton stand, Punk kicks him in the knee, and Orton hits the ground immediately. Punk is all smiles, gets Orton on his shoulders, and hits a clean GTS to mostly cheers.

Segment 2: Christian is in the back, WALKING~!, and finds Edge’s locker room. Edge recaps that Teddy Long wouldn’t let Edge or Alberto Del Rio hit each other on SmackDown, but RAW General Manager Windows Vista is cool with it here on RAW. Edge smiles, says that other than the sound effect, he sorta likes the GM. Which of course flies in the face of how Edge acted prior to going to SD, but whatever, I guess.

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: Edge & Christian defeat Brodus Clay & Alberto Del Rio by pin. Good solid match. No major noteworthy spots other than Christian hitting a sick tornado DDT on ADR that seemed about 150% normal speed.

Christian was the face in peril, with Edge successfully the savior. The ending sequence saw ADR messing with Edge, and Christian coming to his rescue. Though Edge recovered and hit the Spear on Brodus thus ending the match, ADR threw Christian into the barricade outside the ring and slapped on the cross-legged arm breaker.

After the match, Edge rushed out to help Christian. ADR bailed, running to the back, so Edge started back down the ramp to check on Christian. For the first time in pro wrestling history, ADR popped out and chased down Edge again, smacking him in the back and hitting him with the cross-legged arm breaker as well. Edge and Christian are left laying out and grasping their arms, while ADR stands over both and smirks. Jerk.

Segment 4: After the next hype video, GM Vista pings the arena. Michael Cole reads it from within his Lexan Cole Mine, and he reads that the GM needs to know if Jerry Lawler can actually compete at WrestleMania after getting his ass beat last week. So tonight, Lawler has to face Jack Swagger. Lawler trash talks Cole a bit after that, but nothing important is said.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Santino Marella (w/ Vladimir Kozlov, Big Show, Kane, & Tamina) defeats Justin Gabriel (w/ The Corre) by pin. Considering there were seven people at ringside, you knew this would break down pretty fast. Santino did some early offense, started suffering a heel beatdown after a minute, and then started his comeback thirty seconds after that. That’s when Corre wanted to help out, but Santino’s various bodyguards put a quick stop to that shit; Vlad even tripped up Justin behind the ref’s back. Santino hit the Cobra after that, and Justin was finished.

After the match, Santino did his little trombone celebration, and Show joined in. Kane started looking pissed and walked around giving everyone the stink eye, making Show stop and look guiltily around like he was a tween caught with a Playboy. But Kane’s turned face, and it’s WrestleMania week, so what the hell: Kane then did Santino’s trombone taunt, which somehow triggered the crowd into a powerful single cheer. All four guys then decided to do it together while Tamina looked simultaneously confused and happy. Awesome.

Segment 6: As we come from commercial, the lights go out, the gongs start, the fires burst from the stage, and Johnny Cash starts belting out his famous lyrics as smoke floods the arena. Taker pops out of the back presently, looking pissed off, as he heads to the ring. After getting between the ropes and standing before the camera, he’s ready to take off his hat and—

IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!

…Wow, this is the second time then that Trips has decided to make his entrance, interrupting Taker’s, before the Dead Man has a chance to speak. Ballsy, my man.

And I have to give the nameless director of WWE’s show some props here. You know how, with every wrestler’s entrance, they do that close-up on the wrestler as they come out, then they smash-cut to some random dude in the audience holding a sign (like what happened to me twice when WWE came to Beavercreek last December)? Well, when Taker made his entrance, they smash-cut to some guy holding a white-on-black sign that read “19-0.” Then when Trips made his entrance, they smash-cut at the same relative moment to some guy holding a black-on-white sign that read “18-1.” The symmetry of those cuts borders on artistic.

So Trips does his whole entrance, hopping up on the apron after tossing the water bottle, and… uh, well, I guess we’re getting our first dose of Gay Spooky, because Taker nods his head, and suddenly Trips’s normal multicolored lights are replaced with darkness, and we hear a single gong. So I guess Taker can telepathically control the computer the runs the music and lighting? Okay, sure, why not.

No violence ensues. In fact, when the lights come back on, both guys are unharmed. Hell, Trips was still on the apron, so he calmly gets in the ring to get face-to-face with the Dead Man. We get a nice shot of the WrestleMania sign framed with them and we—

I THINK I’M CUTE! I KNOW I’M SEXY!

…Holy shit, I knew this was going to be a packed show. Shawn Michaels does his full entrance, including the pray-and-spray of his stage pyros, and he hits the ring bouncing around and acting like it’s old times, despite both guys looking sort of pissed off at him. Heh, the juxtaposition of Trips being all still and serious while HBK is running around like a ferret on crack just tickles me in the right places.

The crowd gives an overwhelming “HBK! HBK!” chant as he finds a mic. Shawn apologizes for interrupting the moment but there was no way he was going to miss it! He tells both guys that it’ll be the biggest match of both their careers, and Shawn basically does a boxing promoter-like introduction to both guys, and the crowd is overwhelmingly pro-Triple H during this. Shawn somehow manages to be genuine, patronizing, a jerk, and heartfelt all in the same promo within the exact same words (you’ll have to hear it to understand), and it’s all awesome.

And Shawn has one question as he looks down Taker: “What… in the world… makes you think… you…” And he turns to face Trips: “think you can do what I couldn’t.” Despite the sorta-cheap heat, he still draws an “HBK! HBK!” chant. It’s now Shawn’s turn to look pissed as he delivers the line, but clearly, the faux pseudo heel turn just doesn’t work.

Trips replies that the truth is HBK just “got soft,” which draws a very impressive number of boos. Trips says that Shawn’s problem is that, somewhere along the line in his career, he wanted to be “The Showstopper” and “Mr. WrestleMania” more than anything else… and Shawn is, and Trips points out that he doesn’t have to win to get those labels. But Trips isn’t Shawn, and he has to win.

So Taker’s face, Trips says, “And I will win.” Trips takes us down memory lane, where he walked into the locker room 16 years ago, and that Undertaker was the man standing above and beyond everyone else. Trips says that he saw Taker do things he shouldn’t do: tape a flak jacket to his body so he could wrestle with multiple broken ribs, and “crush the entire side of his face and wrestle the next night.” Guys: what was Triple H referring to with that statement? How much of that was hyperbole? If that was true, Taker has bigger balls than half the country combined.

Anyway, Trips goes on that he learned fast that pro wrestling was about that: going on with the show, especially since Taker did it all without being ordered to. Trips patterned himself after Taker’s resolve and pain tolerance, and respected Taker more every day. And now, the only man he respects more than Taker—“respect as much as,” Trips corrects himself—is Shawn.

Another trip down memory land… Five or six years ago, Trips and Shawn made a pact, that if either couldn’t perform at that high level anymore, the other would just bluntly tell him so to his face… and if the guy couldn’t accept that, then whoever brought it up would end his career for him, if you followed that. See, Triple H came back after a year off for one reason… to look Taker in the eyes, and tell him that “it’s time.”

Trips admits that it’s not a popular decision, that Taker himself and some fans may not be able to see it, but Trips himself does. Trips admits that Taker will always be a legend, always be the Phenom, always be the Dead Man, and Trips will always respect him more than any other… but in six days, he will no longer be undefeated at WrestleMania. Because whether Trips wants to be or not, he will “be the one… as in, eighteen-and-one.” Trips concludes that Taker and his Streak, with all due respect, will rest… in… peace…

Taker looks like he’s going to cry as he takes the mic. He tells Trips that if he ever felt like he needed “to be put down,” he’d want the person to put him down to be Triple H. See, Taker respects Trips just as much… “but it ain’t that time” yet. And he knows that Trips will “kill himself trying,” but when it’s over with, the Streak will be unbroken, and so will Taker himself (massive cheers). And if he doesn’t want to believe it, “ask Shawn” (massive boos).

But Taker isn’t done. He admits that Shawn gave Taker his two best WrestleMania matches ever. And he came that close… but ultimately failed. And now, Taker doesn’t even see the same confidence or arrogance in Shawn’s eyes: what he sees is a man who Taker humbled. That’s enough to make Shawn step up, but Taker continues that Shawn is a man who will enter the Hall of Fame with regrets… a man whose career he ended.

Shawn stomps away and gets himself to the corner, tossing the mic away. Shawn goes for Sweet Chin Music, but Taker catches his ankle and slaps on a choke. Trips gets between them, and they get forehead-to-brim. Trips still has his mic and orders Shawn to tell Taker just why Trips will beat him at WrestleMania.

Shawn is silent.

Trips calls Shawn’s name as an order.

Shawn is silent.

Trips breaks his eye contact with Taker to turn and face his friend, and gives a shrug. Shawn gives Trips a hard look… then sinks his eyes… then bows his head… then gets out of the ring. To massive boos.

Shawn starts to leave, and Trips, now without the mic, calls for Shawn, orders him to look at him. Shawn does so, his eyes moist. He says he’s sorry to Trips, but then turns away and heads up the ramp without looking back.

Trips finally looks at Taker, who is across the ring. Taker softly, subtly smirks, tips his cap to Trips (to boos), then leaves as the blacklights and Johnny Cash flood the arena. Taker walks up the ramp, turns to look at Trips over his shoulder, then continues on as we fade out.

Ho. Lee. Shit. That is how you fucking do a promo, people.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole) reverse-squashes Jerry Lawler by disqualification. So, the match lasted like two minutes, if that. Jack had all the offense, and the fight spilled outside. Jack threw Jerry over the barricade, into where the timekeeper sits, and celebrated… so Jerry came out with a steel chair and beat the shit out of Jack with it, drawing the DQ.

Jerry then immediately ran after Cole, who locked himself into his Lexan Cole Mine. Jerry tried to jump the fence, but Cole’s security guards stopped that… but Cole still managed to throw a drink into Jerry’s face. Jerry backed off at that point, just giving the stink eye to Cole, but… uh… that was it.

Damn, that was pointless.

Pre-Segment 8: Here comes Vickie Guerrero, who starts by imitating John Morrison’s entrance, though someone was slow on the draw to do the slow-motion. She gets in the ring, cuts a retarded but basic promo against Snooki, and we’re done with that. And here comes Dolph for the next bit…

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) defeat Daniel Bryan & John Morrison by pin. Decent match, pretty one-sided… the faces never really managed to get in any offense. Morrison was the early FIP, but Bryan’s attempt at being the savior was shut down. There was some back-and-forth late, concluding when DB went for a missile dropkick while Sheamus leaned against the corner. Sheamus moved however, so DB basically powerbombed himself. Sheamus decided to hit his own powerbomb too, and JM had been shut down earlier by Dolph, making the pin all but academic.

Segment 9: Orton is interviewed in the back, who says that he so totally has serious anger management issues. Hell, he’s ruined and careers of strangers just because he could. Ergo, guess what he’s going to do to Punk, who he totally despises beyond anyone he’s ever despised? “So your question shouldn’t be if I’ll make it to WrestleMania… your question should be, can CM Punk make it out?” Okay, that line wasn’t half bad.

Cut Scene: The final inductee to this class of Hall of Famers is the team of the Road Warriors and their old manager Paul Ellering. Sweet choice, and they’re a definite in! Well, that is, I don’t know about Ellering since he was before my time, but Animal and Hawk themselves are no-brainers.

Segment 10: “Some people are now calling WrestleMania ‘SnookiMania’!” Yeah, we need to find those people, and toss them into a vat of sulfuric acid, as well as their ancestors.

Anyway, they try to conduct an interview with Trish Stratus and Snooki who are at some bar in New Jersey (the “Just Give Up” state), except some douchebag tries to hit on them. Snooki pushes him away, and they blather but you can’t really hear anything over the noise of the crowd.

So then they cut to the splash screen, then they cut back to the bar because apparently Laycool crashed the party. This results in a retarded twenty-second catfight, and I bet even Rick is rolling his eyes at this despite Trish being involved. Seriously: fuck Snooki. And not in the way she enjoys.

Segment 11: From commercial, the People’s Champ is on the Titantron, and he’s standing at the gorilla position. For some reason he’s already soaking wet. The crowd fires up a “Rocky! Rocky!” chant as he readies himself, and his music draws him through the curtain to the ring itself. Fuck yes!

Rock hits the ring presently and, after pleasantries, says that Chicago is special to him because he competed in his first-ever WrestleMania match not just in the city, but in that building. And on that night, he was actually… nervous. But he did something that would forever define his career… he decided to bring it! “And that night was the unofficial birth of Team Bring It!” Uh… okay?

Apparently, Team Bring It is a lifestyle choice, and if anyone tells them they can’t do something, we take those insecurities and shove them up their candy asses. Sideways up their candy asses, even. You go after your dreams on Team Bring It apparently, and Rock’s dream is that he comes to the ring and calls out John Cena’s Superwigger butt. And with that, we get a “Cena sucks! Cena sucks!” chant that is absolutely overwhelming.

Rock says that Cena’s bright shirts make him look like a “homeless Power Ranger,” and how he says “You can’t see me,” but what we all want to see is Rock’s fist to Cena’s lips and Rock’s foot to Cena’s ass. Yay!

…But that was just a dream, and we’re in reality. Rock says that it’s real that he is here, and he’s not alone with the millions—AND MILLIONS!—of The Rock’s fans at his back!

…And here comes John Cena himself, and a small chill runs through my spine. Cena is all smiles as he makes his full entrance, including the pointing and saluting and the run-and-slide and all that crap. Rock starts pacing around the ring, even as Cena flashes his Word Life sign. Rock isn’t pleased, but isn’t getting violent yet.

Cena says, a bit insincerely, that this is what he’s wanted: The Rock, back in the ring, saying his catchphrases! It’s where Rock belongs! And as the crowd fires up another “Rocky!” chant, Cena jumps on that, that Rock needs to hear them! Hear the millions chanting his name!

See, when Cena first knew Rock, when Cena first talked about him, he was one of the millions. Cena wanted Rock back because of these moments, with no empty seats in the arena, and the power of the chants and the electricity in the air. Cena was even happy to hear Rock mention his name, because like a celebrity roast, getting mocked by The Rock is an honor, a sign that you’ve made it!

The problem is that Cena wanted to hear what Rock had to say, because everything Cena said about him had meaning and merit, and wanted to know… And he pauses as we get an overwhelming “Cena sucks!” chant. Cena goes on that he wanted to know exactly what problem Rock had with him. So Cena overlooked the jokes and the catchphrases, and concluded that Rock’s problems were the color of his shirt, the music he listened to, and his moral code… and worst still, that his audience is comprised of kids.

Cena admits all those things as true, and yet is damn proud of who he is and what he’s become. If Rock has a problem with Cena’s work ethic, then fine, they have something to talk about… but if that’s not it, “who in the hell are you?”

Wow, that got Rock’s attention. Rock had been sulking and pacing during this, but now he’s locked eyes with Cena, and no force on earth is going to make him blink.

Cena goes on with something I need to write verbatim: “Who in the hell are you to judge me? Who in the hell are you to say I can or can’t wear a certain color, talk a certain way, listen to a certain kind of music, chastise the way I live my life, or God forbid the age of the people who watch this product that I love? If that’s what it takes to be on Team Bring It, Rock, you can keep your application, I don’t want it.”

Now see, that spiel is something where Cena’s hyper-intensity actually pays off. It’s too bad that most of that is crap that Rock never actually complained about, but I guess we’re not little thing like actual history stop us from working this promo. Still an awesome delivery though.

Cena’s cool with the fact that some people don’t like him, but he doesn’t try to change their minds because he’s got no place to judge them. He is sure that “after it’s all over” he’ll be judged, but he won’t be judged by The Great One.

Crowd is still hot for The Rock, who now responds. Rock goes biblical, agreeing that the Almighty Lord indeed judges Rock and judges Cena… but even the Almighty can’t save Cena from Rock kicking his ass all over Chicago.

Cena says that it was Rock’s request he come out here and be addressed like a man. So if he just wants to fight… and Cena drops the mic, spreads his arms, and…

…And here comes The Miz, with Alex Riley in tow. The heels hit the ring, and Miz just calmly says “Really? This is how it’s going to be? Upstaged by the O brothers… Overhyped, and Overrated?” Burn!

Miz reminds Cena that he (Miz) has kicked is ass for two months, and assures us all that he’ll lose at WrestleMania. But at least Cena will go down with a fight… unlike Rock. See, Miz knows a secret… that Rock isn’t going to do anything tonight. See, Miz did his research, and that Rock’s movies have grossed $1.2 billion, and a mere movie star won’t risk his career by getting his ass kicked by Miz. And it’s not just a risk, but a “guaran-damn-tee,” that if Rock looks at Miz funny, Miz will destroy him, and Rock will be finished as a movie star. It’s because Miz is the champ, and still will be after Mania; so go ahead and just blather like an asshole, because Rock won’t actually do anything to him and it won’t ultimately matter, because he’s The Miz, and he’s awesome.

Cena at some point left the ring and is just watching this from ringside. Rock gets his mic and calmly says that it doesn’t matter what Miz thinks. Rock gets in Miz’s face…

And Alex takes the cheap shot. The heels stomp the shit out of Rock, but Rock is able to come back from that. Miz is sent flying over the top rope, and Rock hits Alex with a DDT followed by a (kinda shitty) kip-up. And now it’s time for the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, and he hits it clean on Alex.

Then Miz comes back in, and Rock promptly flings him out of the ring!

…Then Cena slides back in, and absolutely crushes Rock with a beautiful FU. Cena gets in Rock’s face, signals that Rock can’t see him, and leaves the ring. Holy shit!

Cena gets to the stage, then stops. He points to the WrestleMania logo on the video wall, then points to the “6 Days Away” line under it, and again does a “You can’t see me” taunt in Rock’s general direction with an Alberto Del Rio-caliber jerk smirk.

Final Thoughts: Damn, that was electric… but, ultimately, I’m not sure what exactly it means to how things are going to turn out this Sunday. I almost typed that Cena turned heel with that FU, but it’s too early to call that. Cena probably isn’t any more heel than he already was coming into things, but you never know. I’ve long said that Cena just needs to just turn heel and embrace it, so I’m not sure if this is the start of it, or… I don’t know. I just don’t know.

And that not knowing makes Sunday that much more interesting. I want to posit more on what I think is going to happen, but I’ve got a big WrestleMania preview column in the works like I did last year, and I hate repeating myself.

There is no SmackDown this week—we’re just going to have two hours of live hype from Atlanta, which is fine to me, since that beats having two hours of hype pretending to be SmackDown like they did last year. So rather than a SmackDown recap, you’ll get my preview column later on in the week. I’ll have the storylines and my predictions for all nine announced matches; I went 8-for-9 last year, and I have to defend my nonexistent title! All told, I am stoked about this year’s WrestleMania.

This episode of RAW, by itself, was good but nothing special. If the episode existed in a vacuum where WrestleMania didn’t exist, and I just worried about the quality of the matches and promos, I’d probably give it a low or middle B. But given that it’s the last episode before Mania, it’s obviously a must-watch if you have any want to see the pay-per-view itself.

Last thing I’ll say for this column is to keep an eye on Online Onslaught through the weekend and next week. Not only will Rick have the WrestleMania recap after the show, but we’ve got a surprise for you for next week’s RAW and SmackDown recaps. You’ll want to stick around for that!

Okay guys, I’ll see you tomorrow for NXT (if they even have it next week; I don’t even know at this point), and remember to tune in to Pure Gold on Thursday at 10pm for a show that will feature yours truly, giving my WrestleMania thoughts and predictions, in addition to my big preview column later this week. It’s going to be a great weekend guys!

Grade: A