Then I watched Elimination Chamber last night (though I wasn’t originally going to), and I saw Cena eating a bowl of the cereal prior to his entrance. The instant I saw the box, I recognized it for what it was: it wasn’t just a cute little nod to the Rock’s line, it was an effort to erase what the Rock had said. It was Cena’s (and/or WWE’s) way of saying, “Hey, we can laugh at ourselves too! Rock was funny and insulted us, but we’re totally cool with it!” 
  

And by giving that attitude, Cena negated the promo: it’s like trying to call someone stupid after they called themselves the same insult. It goes beyond self-deprecating humor: it’s the public acknowledgement of a short-coming. As anyone who has ever been bullied will tell you, the instant you acknowledge an insult as truth, it stops being funny for the person who made it in the first place.

From the crowd reaction, Cena successfully erased Rock’s promo. Girls and kids were still cheering for him, guys were still shitting on him, and overall nothing really changed from how the wrestling world viewed the guy prior to the Rock’s promo. I suppose +10 for WWE in saving their #1 face as much as they could, but minus several million for the fact that they just shrugged off an acknowledged problem without trying to do anything about it. I suppose at this point, I shouldn’t be surprised.

What I WAS surprised about was the overall quality of the pay-per-view. I’m not entirely sure it was worth $45 and I’m bummed about the predictability of it, but I’ve got no real complaints. (I especially have no complaints about the Lawler/Miz match, which is why I rather proudly declare that I refuse to be part of the no-fun-having “IWC” and members of its ilk, a.k.a. the wankers.) Check out Rick’s recap if you need to know what went down, and remember as always that I’m writing tonight’s recap as if you already read it.

All right, let’s see what the “mysterious” pay-off is to the 2/21/11 thing is…

Opening: Seems we’re getting a countdown of “whoever” the dark trench coat-clad man is. He’ll be here at 10pm rather than immediately, of course. Suddenly, I’m reminded of Chirs Jericho’s very first introduction to WWE, and his stellar promo he cut with The Rock way back when. Ah, the good old days…

Segment 1: …And of course, we turn to the shitty new days, as John Cena is here to start things off. Other than initial cheer for his music, he’s got overwhelming boos, which is a good sign to me. Cena doesn’t have much of a chance to speak at first, due to the boos and the “Rocky! Rocky!” chants, but he shrugs it off and cuts a promo to hype his WrestleMania match against Miz.

…Oh wait, no, he doesn’t cut a promo to Miz. Instead, Cena says that that’s what he should be talking about, but after last week, all he’s been hearing about is Rock’s comments. Cena says that at first he was just going to let Rock’s comments slide, but… let’s get a video recap of it and then he’ll worry about it!

So we do (amazingly uncensored), and then Cena suggests that if he’s going to call anyone out, there’s only way to do it… because he’s “still got a doctorate in Thugonomics.” Huh, so we’re doing one of the raps from back when you were actually popular and funny six years ago? “I’m only gonna do it once though.” Sure you will, Sparky. So after a cheap pop, we get this…

Finally the Rock came back and everyone was getting with it
Till he said I was talking trash but he would never be specific
It was because I wasn’t talking trash Rock, I was talking truth
You left us hanging high and dry to play a fairy with a tooth?
 
And then you walk into this ring and tell these people that I’m lame, man?
He wore lipstick in Get Shorty and rocked a skirt for The Gameplan
This Fruity Pebble you’re dealing with? I’m not your average jabroni
I’m like a big purple pinwheel, Rock, so go ahead and blow me
 
And you’re electrifying! Yes! But hang with me, that’s just absurd!
See now you gotta tell your family you just got schooled by Barney’s turd.
Wait wait, that’s your material, you can have your joke back
Just don’t go racing to Witch Mountain, Rock, ‘cause your mountain is Brokeback
 
The Rock’s new movie? Well it’s nothing like Walking Tall
He spends the movie in a bowling alley polishing my balls
The People’s Champ? He’s never with the people; Rock, your words are see-through
You imitate me every time you leave; for seven years, we couldn’t see you.
 
And is it “Rock”? Or is it “Dwayne”? Pick a side, c’mon, son
If I was you, I’d stick with “Rock,” ‘cause “Dwayne” ain’t got a Johnson
And you’ll see me at WrestleMania? Well then I’ll make sure not to miss it
But you ain’t gonna whip my candy ass, dude, I’ll make sure you kiss it
 
You’re the WrestleMania host Rock, that’s your role, know it
You tell these people that you love ‘em… I’m here every week to show it
That’s called a first-round knockout and now you know that I’m not playing
Run your mouth all you want dude, it doesn’t matter what you’re saying
 
…Huh, five gay jokes in only 12 stanzas, and three of those involved some sort of homosexual command that Cena wanted Rock to do to him. Classy.

Was Cena always like this? All I remember from six years ago is that, at the time, I found him really clever and funny as a heel. Was this his average shtick and I’ve grown up past the prepubescent audience he plays to, so has he indeed lost something? I’ll grant that he had a couple nice lines—the “I’m here every week to show it” and “for seven years we couldn’t see you” were pretty damn good—but overall, this was hardly a “first-round knockout.” Goddamn, Cena sucks.

You know, the only good thing about that whole mess is that it proves any sort of storyline between Cena and Rock isn’t already over. There’s definitely something going on… I just hope it doesn’t entail Rock being the guest ref for Cena/Miz and then Rock actually helping Superwigger to victory. That would be so, so disheartening.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: CM Punk defeats John Morrison by pin. Good match, but it was more story-based than action-based. The story here is that both guys were sporting wounds from the Elimination Chamber: Punk’s leg was all cut up from landing too many times on the steel grates, and John was too damaged from getting his knee slammed around and whiffing a Starship Pain late in the game. Punk, who is wearing what can only be called Captain America trunks, took advantage of all this by beating the shit out of John’s leg with submissions and more direct assaults. John tried a late-game comeback, but fizzled almost immediately because he didn’t have his normal speed to maintain his offense. Punk ended things with a GTS.

Post-Segment 2: After replays, Punk finds a mic and calls out Randall Keith Orton. Huh, for all the “RKO” stuff, I never knew what Orton’s middle name was. Anyway, he announces that Nexus has the night off, which is not a ploy or anything: he just wants to call Orton out because of the 2008 attack Orton did to Punk. Punk talks a bit nonsensically at first, but he basically says that he’s going to beat the shit out of Orton next week to the point where Orton won’t be able to show up to WrestleMania.

And then Orton comes out from the crowd and assaults Punk, but Punk manages to bail. I don’t get it; was Orton not supposed to be there tonight or something? Either way, the rest Nexus runs out of the back but Punk holds them back. All four heels (Husky Harris is apparently still back with Catering) just give angry looks at Orton, who just spins in circles and scowls at everything.

One word: huh?

Segment 3: Alberto Del Rio is hopping brands again, and is showing up here tonight. For whatever reason he’s here, he gets jumped from behind by Kofi. That’s soon broken up by Ricardo Rodriguez, and from there, ADR just beats the hell out of Kofi. Kofi, by the way, is sporting a soft cast on his left arm since ADR went nuts with the cross-legged arm breaker last night. After a few shots, including throwing Kofi arm-first into the barricade, he pulls off Kofi’s cast and slaps on the cross-legged arm breaker again, then gives us his trademark smirk.

Segment 4: Here comes The Miz to talk. Miz says that he admired The Rock in 1999, and last week, when Rock was here and dropped his name in the middle of the ring, Miz was excited to hear what classic line Rock was going to use! So Miz quotes Rock, that “The Miz absolutely, unquestionably, undoubtedly, 100%, completely sucks.” “That’s the best Rock can do? I’ve heard kindergarteners who say worse than that!”

A quick poll of the crowd shows that everyone else thinks he sucks too, and “now I’m a little hurt.” Heh. “Let me check my tears in the reflection of my championship gold.” BURN! You rock, Miz.

Miz goes on that while Rock is merely hosting Mania, he’s going to be main eventing it, and he’s going to win over Cena. He says that Rock and Cena are both cultural icons and that the fans love them for it, but he doesn’t care what the fans think about him. “And let me take this one step further… IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU PEOPLE THINK! Because I am the most must-see WWE Champion in the history of this company! Now can… you… see…”—cue stealing Cena’s taunt—“that? Because I absolutely, unquestionably, undoubtedly, 100%, completely AM AWESOME!!!” Fucking A people, that’s how you cut a self-promo!

And here comes General Manager Windows Vista to talk to us. GM Vista says that he’s done hearing about The Rock on tonight’s show, then immediately says Rock’s name by saying how totally awesome the Rock and Sock Connection was. In that light, tonight’s main event will be a match for the Tag Team Titles… Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater against The Miz and John Cena. Huh.

Segment 5 [Tag Match]: The Bella Twins defeat Eve & Gail Kim by pin. Damn, it’s good to see Gail back in the ring, and not just because she was wearing her super-hot electric blue battle bikini. Good stuff from her, though her awesome moves—including a silky-smooth corner rebound second-rope crossbody—just reminds me how far the women’s division has fallen.

Anyway, Gail was doing great, until the ref got a bit distracted. Gail put down one twin, then was on the apron and wanted to do a vaulting something-or-other. In mid-jump, the illegal twin grabbed Gail’s ankle and pulled her, basically making Gail fall eight feet to the floor. My latent Gail Sympathy Gene started activating at full power.

After that, the Bellas took control. Gail got a hot tag and we had the inevitable Pier Four Brawl, until the twins did their little Twin Magic switch behind the ref’s back and rolled Eve up in a schoolboy pin. And, yes, that seems to be enough to end the Divas Champion. Awesome.

Segment 6: So after commercial, we get a countdown from 25 seconds, and to absolutely no one’s surprise—since they all but dropped his name in the videos—the Undertaker pops out of the back. Except… Taker looks a little different, and I can’t figure out why. I think it’s the facial hair, I think it’s not as thick as it normally is, and it makes the guy look paler and thinner—and older—than I’m used to. Taker does get his TX logo in the background, which is a nice touch. Taker hits the ring, pulls off his hat and does the eye roll, and he—

TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!!!

Holy. Shit. Taker is pissed, and shit just got real here.

Taker and Triple H just stare each other down for a few pregnant seconds, and then Taker takes a direct line to the ring. He still does his full spit entrance, and Taker looks more annoyed than anything else as Trips does his appeal to the various corners of the ring. Taker just stands motionless; though he follows Trips with his eyes and slight turns of his head, he refuses to turn around to face him down.

The crowd is absolutely on fire, though the longer the entrance lasts, the less Taker is happy. Finally, as Trips’s song plays literally all the way through, the crowd is on fire as the two men simply stare each other down. The crowd tries a competing “Triple H! Undertaker!” chant, but Trips wins out in the end.

Trips gets right in Taker’s face. No words, but none are needed: real wrestling fans don’t need them. Trips break the stare long enough to look at the WrestleMania XXVII sign. Then Taker breaks the stare to do so as well. After a pregnant pause there, they resume the stare. Taker looks at Trips, scoffs, puts his had back on, and starts to leave.

Taker takes a few steps toward the ramp, but stops. He thinks about it for a moment, then turns around and does the wide-eyed throat slash to Trips. Trips takes a half-step back… but only to get enough room to do a crotch chop and tell Taker to suck it. They both get in each other’s faces again, the staredown can actually be felt through the screen, and…

…And that’s it, we fade to commercial. That segment encompasses every reason I’m a wrestling fan. Goddamn, I’m excited for Mania.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Mark Henry defeats Sheamus by pin. And Sheamus’s burial continues. Match was uninteresting, though Sheamus was doing well for most of it while Mark was stinking up the joint. Finally, while Sheamus had the match won, he decided he wanted to do some extra damage, so he tore off the pad of the southwest corner. Mark saw this and did a running body splash, squishing Sheamus between himself and the exposed steel. As Sheamus sold the back, Mark hit him with the World’s Strongest Slam and made the pin.

Okay, seriously: did Sheamus do something to piss someone off backstage since winning King of the Ring and this is his punishment? Or is this just a further example of WWE’s ass-hatted booking?

Segment 8: After commercial, in the back, Daniel Bryan is laughing with Gail that she was so totally hot despite losing to the Twins. Sheamus comes up, assumes they’re laughing at him, and threatens to rip his head off in front of her. Aw. Jerk.

Cut Scene: We finally get to hear the second inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame this year… and it’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan. All right, I’m cool with that. He’ll be inducted by the Million Dollar Man.

Segment 9: Back in the ring, Michael Cole gets between the ropes and says that we’re going from one Hall of Famer to another, because he’s going to be interviewing Jerry Lawler. He assures us that they won’t fight, since the GM has already said that if they touch each other, someone is getting fired. Cole says he’ll be totally unbiased because he’s better than Gorilla Monsoon, Jim Ross, and Lawler himself as an announcer. Hell, he was a war correspondant! And an award-winning broadcast journalist! So he’s going to bring all those made journalist skillzzz tonight.

And, uh, I guess we’re doing it after another commercial.

Segment 9, for realz: We come back hearing a powerful “You suck! You suck!” chant, which makes me sort of wish I was there in person to see what started all that. Anyway, Cole introduces Jerry, who hits the ring presently.

Cole proceeds to ask some dickish questions—such as, “How did you feel after getting your ass kicked and you realized you weren’t going to Mania?”—which Jerry responds to by just staring at Cole. Finally Cole crosses the line when he asks how Jerry felt “after letting down your deceased mother.” Shit. Even the crowd knows this a bit far.

Jerry grabs Cole by the lapels, his face going beet-red, and tells Cole that if he mentions his mother again, it’ll be the last thing Cole ever says. Jerry then goes on that he’s sat at ringside, enduring Cole’s blathering for weeks now, that he’s forgotten more about wrestling than Cole himself or Miz or Alex Riley will ever know. And further, his WrestleMania dreams aren’t shattered, because he’s “got a way in, and I don’t care if it gets me fired.” He throws down the gauntlet, wanting Cole himself, one-on-one.

Cole calls Jerry a senile old man, and insists that’ll never happen. Cole retreats to his announcers table and puts on his headset, but Jerry follows him out. He asks if Cole is a man or a gutless yellow coward. Cole throws down his headset and tears off his suit jacket, then throws his drink in Jerry’s face. As Jerry reacts to that, Cole bails through the crowd and runs all the way to the back. Jerry absorbs some “Jerry! Jerry!” chants as he looks around confused and angry.

Segment 10 [Tag Team Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles]: The Miz & John Cena (w/ Alex Riley) squash Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater (w/ The Corre) by pin, and are the NEW WWE Tag Team Champions!!! …Uh, so, this happened.

It’s actually a little surreal and confusing. Miz and Cena basically just kicked ass for about four minutes, with Miz doing early offense, then Cena getting in a few shots too. Then Miz wanted a tag, so Cena let him come in... Miz hit a few moves, hit the Skull Crushing Finale, and then made the pin. And, uh, that’s it, new champs. Weird.

Cena started flipping out on the apron, like he didn’t expect the match to end that way either. Cena finally took his title, shrugged, said “the hell with this” and started celebrating with Miz on the various corners.

Post-Segment 10: And then Wade Barrett finds a mic and says that the Corre immediately demands and invokes their rematch clause right the hell now. That’s when GM Vista pings the arena, and Josh Mathews does the honor of reading the e-mail… who says to ring the bell. Uh… okay, but first, a commercial.

Segment 11 [Tag Team Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles]: Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel (w/ The Corre) defeat John Cena & The Miz (w/ Alex Riley) by pin, and are the NEW WWE Tag Team Champions! All right, I guess all is right in the world again.

The squash started again until Miz was sent flying out of the ring, and Justin went to follow up. Wade and Zeke didn’t do anything untoward but they did stand in the way of Cena coming to Miz’s aid. From there, Justin threw Miz back in the ring, and Miz played the Face in Peril.

Miz had plenty of tag teases, but finally managed to make the hot tag, where Cena started doing his moves of doom. Cena got Heath up, ready for the FU… then Miz came in from behind and did the shittiest-looking Skull Crushing Finale ever (basically doing it no-handed since Cena was still holding onto Heath in the FU position), then ran away. Heath made the pin, and we are done.

Final Thoughts: Fun night overall with only a single hole. The divas’ match was short enough not to annoy, the double main event was silly but harmless and added fuel to the Cena/Miz fire, Punk/Orton won’t set most of us on fire but the fans loved it enough I guess, Punk/Morrison is a match I’d rather see when the guys aren’t selling their injuries and I hope we get to see it again, and Lawler/Cole is a fun little side project that is sure to be a crowd pleaser. I still have no idea what the hell is going on with Sheamus, but at this point, I’m not sure WWE is either.

It was an entertaining night, though I continue to fret a little about how The Rock fits into the Cena/Miz mess. Like I said, my constant worry here is that Rock winds up the guest ref, but if he does, it’s a no-win situation. If he’s the ref and Cena wins, then all the clever stuff Rock said about him—and Cena’s own half-retarded retaliation—is going to just be erased and wind up retroactively lame. If Rock is the ref and Miz wins, that won’t make a damn bit of sense unless Rock called it down the middle and the People’s Elbows Miz immediately afterwards… which will be a total letdown for everyone. I really hope something clever is up WWE’s and Rock’s sleeves.

And then there’s Undertaker/Triple H. The storyline writes itself, and Trips’s promo power will carry them through any Gay Spooky that Taker wants to whip out. It’s one of those rare stories that WWE can’t screw up, although God knows they’re probably going to try. Trips is one of only three people I believe can even legitimately challenge Taker’s streak at this point, and the only one who can do so who’s still on the active roster, so it all just fits. I am absolutely pumped, and Trips/Taker is unequivocally the best thing WWE has going on right now, even though it was just introduced tonight. I am stoked for Mania… and for the rest of the road to it, where we’ll get to see, hopefully, all the rest of the card get developed in the meantime.

But for this night, it was very entertaining. I barely even noticed that My Melina wasn’t on.

Episode Grade: B+