Last Week: John Cena attempted to whine his way to the top. The Undertaker and Triple H both showed up, shrugged, and hen left. And Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov were robbed of their rightful tag team title shot. Let’s make sure that doesn’t happen again…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

It’s time to play a game. Bwuuuhuhuuuu! I want to play Operation!

So, yeah, I guess I didn’t just come back for you. And again, I’m only a couple more title runs from catching Ric Flair, at which point TNA will probably give him ten more title runs, so I’ll have to wrestle another twenty years. God. So, The Undertaker. Man, we’re old, Taker. So, basically, it’s come down to this. We are so old, and we’ve consolidated so much power, that the only people we’ll job to at Wrestlemania is each other. So, if we’re going to bother to have a match there, it might as well be each other. And I’m going to end the streak, because really, that’s the last dick move I haven’t made yet. And I can’t have that hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I can’t look my new daughter in her eye and say, “V…Ver…Vo…Whatever your name is, I couldn’t beat an old man with one knee. I’m sorry.”

Hey! It’s King Sheamus! Remember when he took out Triple H?! Hunter doesn’t! So he just kicks Sheamus in the Fellas. Then he hits the PEDIGREE TO SHEAMUS~! on the announce table. So maybe he does remember. Or maybe he’s just being a dick. Hard to say. Aw, now they don’t have a table!

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Sheamus is still out at ringside. What a wimp! Meanwhile, Jerry “” Lawler gets an email from RAW General Manager Demon Girl. Is giving Jerry’s e-mail address out to a twelve year old girl really the best idea, you guys?

Jerry “” Lawler: Wow. I feel like Michael Cole. Hey, you guys remember Evan Bourne? No? Well….

Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

I love how the referees just dump Sheamus back into the ring. Like, “Oh. Ok, whatever.” It’s not that I’m not happy to see Evan Bourne back, because, I was just thinking the other day, “I wonder what happened to Evan Bourne. I wonder if he’s being held hostage by Somali Pirates and nobody cared enough to find out. Or maybe Smackdown Pirates. The Corrrrrrrre was trying to use him as leverage to get on a show people actually watch. Like NXT. Again. Bourne wins with his backflip. Which is hilarious, because I don’t think Sheamus has actually won a match since he won King of the Ring. Hey look! Michael Cole!

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This encounter is going to be so epic we had to take a break!

Michael Cole: As wrestling’s top heel, I have to say that I’m a bit embarrassed that I’m only in a feud with Jerry “” Lawler. I mean come on. You want to wrestle me at Wrestlemania? No way! I’m holding out for a match against The Rock. Seriously, you are so far beneath me, it’s embarrassing. The only way I’d agree to face you is if you basically handed me the match so I can start my own version of Undertaker’s streak.

Jerry “” Lawler: Look, the paycheck cashes the same way. And it’s about the same as jobbing to Andy Kaufman. So sure. Whatever.

Cole: Then let me introduce you to my manager…Jack Swagger! What do you think about that?

Lawler: What’s he going to teach you, exactly? How to lisp and lose matches? I’m not exactly intimidated.

“The Legal Eagle” Wade Barrett: Yay! I’M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

Then Swagger locks Lawler in an Anklelock. Which is admittedly more intimidating than a faxback.

Backstage, Randy Orton is looking for Michael Tarver.

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Ok. Lay it on us, Ranky.

Randy Orton: It is I! Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy and former holster of the LKG Girl’s Chocolatechip. And I halves to know, has anybody seen Marcus Tarcus. I’ve been looking all over for that guys. Oh well. So, I was tinkering to myself backstage, what would a face say to CN Chunk in this situation? And then I reorganized that it would be that I want to critical him so bad and punk him so hard, that he has to spend the rest of his minstrel life wetting himself and shipping his pants. CN Chunk, I’m going to make you bran dead! Because that’s what a fade would do!

CM Punk: Man, you are the worst face of all time. Well, you know what. Whatever. I’m going to kill you, Randy. How about that? Is that subtle enough? <The Nexus> is going to walk down the aisle. Into the ring. And you are going to die.

WWE Diva Josh Mathews: Thank you, Michael Cole, for giving me the RAW GM’s e-mail. She says, “OMG, I can’t believe this isn’t already booked for Wrestlemania. Oh well, I guess now we can just have singles matches between Orton and <The Nexus> from here on out. And to ensure that none of them collect paychecks that weekend, the losers will be banned from Wrestlemania and will have to spend that weekend at a Ring of Honor show or something stupid. And if anybody interferes in this match, then I’m banning anybody from this show from ever speaking to each other ever again. I OWN YOUR SOULS!”

Michael McGillicutty vs. Randy Orton

Well…This is one down. The sad thing about all this is that I really do like McGillicutty. Out of all the previous cast of NXTs, he’s easily my third or fourth favorite (Wade Barrett, That One Girl, and this guy), but I really, really hate typing out Michael McGillicutty. Also I haven’t been able to figure out what is going on with the pattern on his trunks. I’m pretty sure it’s random. Orton dumps McGillicutty to start, which seems like a smart move so we get time for some more-

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Gotta pay the bills somehow, right Randy? Nice dropkick by McGillicutty, which I swear is the first actual move used in this match. McGillicutty gets about thirty seconds of offense in and then does all of his moves while Cole and Mathews speculate what sort of voices Orton might be hearing in his head. Maybe he can consult with Charlie Sheen. Sheen would make a hell of a wrestling personality. How has he not bought RAW yet? I just sort of realized that both the owner and GM of RAW are preteen girls. No wonder Randy is getting such a prominent spot. McGillicutty falls over. Orton wins! Punk begs Orton not to punt McGillicutty in the head, but Orton does it anyway. Way to teach the kids how to stick up for yourself, Randy!

You know what this show needs? More guys in Masks! The Miz and Alex Riley sure think so!

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You know who came to play?

The Miz: The Rock won’t even pay attention to me. What in the hell do I have to do? His marriage failed because he couldn’t keep up with his wife! Doom sucked! I have been on more talk shows than him because more people watched that one season of Real World than any of Rock’s movies put together. God, somebody PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Alex Riley: I still lik-

Miz: Shut up, Alex. I can’t believe I won the Tag Team Titles last week. What the hell was that all about? I was really just trying to stick it to Santino, and I guess things just got out of hand and we ended up with the titles. Thank God we had the opportunity to lose them seconds later. Who would’ve predicted it? Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m going to beat Cena at Wrestlemania, because I’m pretty much still the face in this feud. And then for good measure, I’m going to punch The Rock right in the face for hisj part in the cinematic abortion known as The Game Plan.

Riley: I hate you so much.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO! YOOOO! YOOO!

John Cena and the Miz!
Gonna have a match!
We’re GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!
Your title I will snatch!

I’ve got a doctor’s note,
I stuffed it in my pants,
It says that Miz is stupid,
And needs a brain transplant!

The only donor is Riley,
He’s never used his brain!
Maybe you can share,
You’ll be twice as smart as Dwayne!

I shouldn’t pick on you two,
You’re the best of bosom buddies.
If WWE were a college,
You’d major in male studies!

That’s right, John Cena is back,
Telling jokes that are in poor taste!
I’m no longer rated G, homey,
Now my promos are just a waste!

So I’ll see you in a few weeks Miz,
Don’t forget to bring your sneer,
I’m feuding with The Rock now,
And THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Miz: Yeah. And the champ is me. And listen, John, I hate Alex as much as the next guy, but there’s no reason to get down on him. He has nothing to do with this feud.

Riley: Thanks. I think.

Cena: Ok, well, then let’s get him involved. I want a match with him, and if I win, he gets fire-

Miz: DEAL!

Riley: Hey!

Michael Cole: I just got an e-mail from the RAW General Manager Demon Girl. And I quote, “I hate Alex Riley almost as much as I hate The Miz. So we’ll put this match in a steel cage match. I WILL SKIN YOU ALL ALIVE!”

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Nikki Bella vs. Brie Bella vs. Natalya vs. Maryse vs. Alicia Fox vs. Melina vs. Gail Kim vs. Tamina
In an Eight Diva Battle Royal for the Number One Contendership to the WWE Undefined Divas Title

A tightly contested race to be sure. One of the Bella Twins is eliminated while the bell is still ringing, which barely even registers with Eve Torres who is doing commentary at ringside and jabbering about something or rather. Where’s Stevie Ray when you need him. I mean, come on, they brought Booker back. Eve is somehow a worse commentator than she is a wrestler. Predictably, the match ends with The Other Bella Twin swapping out of the match so that the fresh one could win it. How has that move never been used to win a Battle Royal before? The Vilanos should be 18 Time WCW Champions.

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He is The Rock! Remember him? He’s at home.

The Rock: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO YO! You know what? I’m not going to rap. Mostly because I have people who do that sort of stuff for me. Gerald, come in here and rap for The Rock!

Gerald:

John Cena is whack.
He likes Marmalade,
If he was any less cool,
He’d march in a parade.

The Rock: That was lame as hell, get out of here, Gerald. Anyway, the point is that The Rock thinks so little of John Cena that he can’t even bother to cut a promo against him there in the arena, or even with his own mouth. And The Rock thinks so little of the dozens (AND Dozens) of fans there in whatever hick town WWE is playing tonight, that he’s going to pipe in his own chants!

A Tape from 1999: Goooooooldberg! Gooooooooldberg!

Rock: The Rock has so much money now it DOESN’T MATTER what that tape is chanting. Anyway, The Rock thinks John Cena said something about how The Rock doesn’t love WWE in between whining for his blankee and some juice boxes last week. The Rock doesn’t love WWE?! THE ROCK DOESN’T LOVE WWE?! Would a man who doesn’t love WWE do a pretaped interview so he doesn’t have to go to Buffalo? Would a man who doesn’t love WWE hide his WWE Titles in a basement bathroom next to a prop sword he bought on eBay? Would a man who doesn’t love WWE buy a display case featuring TNA Superstar Kurt Angle for some reason? Would that same man who doesn’t love WWE sit here and make fun of WWE Films? I mean…The Marine?! Am I right? John Cena you’re half the man that Doink was. You’re a low rent version of The Road Dogg, and you don’t even have nearly as much charisma as Billy Gunn. This generation of Wrestling suuuuuucks, and The Rock got out just in time! But if you want to get buried? Well then hell yeah, The Rock will bury the crap out of you. If you smelllllllllllllalala what the Rock…is cookin’.

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And now we catch up with Shawn Michaels on his cow couch.

Shawn Michaels: Hunter’s wrestling Undertaker this year? Oh come on. I just did that. Twice! Can’t he come up with one thing on his own? I mean…I guess marrying his boss’s daughter is something I didn’t think of. I wish I would’ve. Could you imagine? Haha. But seriously, get the hell out of my house.

Daniel Bryan vs.-

Miz runs out and attacks Bryan because we don’t have enough time for another amazing Daniel Bryan match right now. We have more important things to do. Like cage matches. And more cow couch. Before Miz’ attack can get too far, Bryan gently touches him on the side of the face, making his knees weak, and then he crowd surfs his way to the top of the arena. When he arrives, he latches onto the two most beautiful women he can find in the arena (obviously plants, but still), and says that when you’re Daniel Bryan, you don’t need a drug like Charlie Sheen to get high. And then he explodes into a million colors. Miz asks politely for the cage to be lowered.

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John Cena vs. Alex Riley
In a Steel Cage Match for Alex Riley’s Job

Michael Cole does an awesome job constantly changing his mind on whether or not he likes Miz anymore. And then he gets into an argument with Josh Mathews about whether or not Miz owns an iPhone. Despite the fact that he said earlier that he wouldn’t get involved in this match, and that he hates Alex Riley, Miz can’t help but slam the cage door, his phone, and a chair into John Cena’s face. I…can’t really fault him for doing any of that. Plus, I think I read somewhere that if you slam your phone into Cena’s face enough times, eventually you Tweet Hamlet.

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Ok, I’ve been trying it on my own face, and so far all I’ve gotten is most of a Who’s The Boss episode and the chorus to seminal rock classic “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Alex Riley takes control of the match for about ten seconds, then Cena gives him the Attitude Adjustment to end that nonsense. Miz comes over to the door and does the classic, “pretend to hold the door shut, but then swing it open when the other guy comes to push on it so he goes flying out and lands on his head” move. Classic! Miz is the most clever man in an inside out turquoise suit coat I’ve ever seen. Then he gives him a Skull Crushing Finale too, for kicks. Miz is predictably happy about getting rid of Alex Riley.

Next Week: Steve Austin shows up, sees the sad state of WWE affairs and goes back home. Also, John Cena responds to The Rock, and to Miz, maybe. If there’s time. And Alex Riley and Michael Tarver share people watching tips with the audience at home.