OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT RAW RECAP
Smoking is Bad, M'Kay?
April 19, 2011

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of Online Onslaught

Since I was occupied with other matters the past day, I'm behind schedule and typing this on Tuesday afternoon. Thus, I already know the RAW rating for last night's show. It got a 3.1.

To me, this raises (or reraises) some concerns about WWE's shortcomings with regards to Sustainable Episodic TV vs. Stunt Booking. We're done with WrestleMania season, and the numbers show it. Perhaps even more clearly than they've shown it in past years.

Starting with the February 21 RAW where the Rock returned, RAW scored a string of roughly 3.8 ratings every week leading up to WM27 (a huge surge from the first six weeks of the year, which averaged 3.2). The telling exception was March 21, when there were no special guests or major happenings; the fans were onto WWE that night, and the show did a 3.3.

Once WM was over, the rating held at 3.8 for the night after. Then last week, it was a 3.4. And last night, a 3.1. Worse: WWE lost viewers over the course of 2 hours (Hour 1 did a 3.2, Hour 2 did a 3.0). So not only did fewer tune in, those who did tune in didn't necessarily like what they saw (or like the sound of what they were being promised, if they stuck around to see it; in this case, the Cole Coronation and Punk/Orton were heavily hyped all night, and took up the last half-hour and over-run).

It's pretty clear what's going on, and the funny thing is: WWE can't blame their lead-in. Because their lead-in is Tough Enough, which has gone from a 2.5 rating for the debut episode, to 1.8 last week, to 1.5 last night. It's the ol' double whammy... but hey! WWE's spin is to put out press releases about how Tough Enough is the #1 rated show in its timeslot among women, aged 18-49!

Thanks, Women 18-49, for giving WWE a reason to be happy about ratings! Now: if you like wrestling so much, why do I find it so hard to unearth Women 21-34 whose sole purpose in life is to bask in my Grappling Genius?

I digress. And actually, I don't think WWE is genuinely happy about any of this ratings news. But things should be looking up: it seems pretty obvious that they rescheduled the Draft for next week because they fear the further impact Edge's retirement will have on business, but regardless, it'll bump up the ratings. Then on May 2, the Rock will be on-hand again, as RAW is live from Miami.

But then: what of Monday, May 9? It's my birthday, and WWE won't have any more aces up their sleeves after two straight weeks of Stunt Booking. It'll be back to business as usual, complete with lower ratings for WWE and the gift of Sustainably Mediocre TV for me. Why is WWE under the impression that I'm a size Extra Medium?

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it. For today, our task is looking backwards to last night...

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in London, England. For a guy who was happy to retire because of how much he hated the travel schedule, Jim Ross is sure logging a bunch of miles these days. He and Jerry Lawler are on commentary and.... ah crap, Cole's here, too, in his cubicle. The former two try to welcome us to the show, while the latter one continues to grow more and more putrid the further we get from his WrestleMania 27 Expiration Date. Phew.

These Two Men Should Not Have Live Mics Theatre

Co-#1 Contender R-Truth is here to kick things off with a promo, but only after inquiring what activities the fans are currently engaging in. Then, it's onto a rambly, not very smooth speech about how it's been a long road, and he's taken some detours and made some mistakes, but now he's finally gotten to where he's always wanted to be in life: having a chance to win the WWE Title.

Then he rambles some more, this time with a thesis that he just loves to fight, and he'll be the fightingest WWE Champ ever, and he'll make all the fans proud. From the sounds of the fans, they really don't care one way or the other. Also: Truth apparently didn't get the memo that you're not allowed to use the word "fight." You're an "entertainer," dude, not a "fighter." Vince said so.

Hearing Truth's talk of fighting, John Morrison comes out. He hugs his former tag partner, and gives him a quick congratulations on his win last week.... and then he says, "Must be nice to have Lady Luck on your side like that." Truth takes offense, and says he made it through the 5-man gauntlet thanks to skill and being in great shape.

Now Johnny takes offense, and has some video footage from last week, showing Truth sitting in a corner and asking for a bottle of water while John Cena made his full elaborate ring entrance in the middle of the gauntlet match. [I would personally like to congratulate The Me for noticing and documenting this oddity in last week's recap, before anyone could have known the delay in starting the Cena/Truth finale would be a plot point.] Truth laughs it off, as surely Morrison can't be THAT petty, can he? Turns out he can, and he presses the issue, so Truth is all "Look, 20 minutes into a match, and a guy wants a drink. What's the big deal? I got up and finished the match, and was in that ring for half an hour. Don't tell me I'm not in good shape."

At which point John Morrision attempts to drop the bombshell that "OK, you are in good shape. For a smoker." But he stumbled over his words and tried to talk over Truth the first time, so he had to repeat it. Which kind of takes away from the effect.

Truth admits that he's trying to quit, but what's this topic got to do with anything? In reality: nothing. In WWE Think: it's a plot device by which John Morrison gets Truth angry and irrational enough that the two agree to a match where Truth's spot in the upcoming PPV 3-Way WWE Title Match will be on the line. Before the match can start, Truth jokingly says he needs two things: a bottle of water, and a smoke. Morrison chuckles, and again feebly attempts the one-liner "You forgot a 3rd thing: you need luck," but fumbles the line and it doesn't come across. Christ are these two not in the upper half of WWE's talkers, or what?

Before the match can start, we also need a 4th thing...

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John Morrison vs. R-Truth (#1 Contender Spot on the line)

Joined in progress, and it's pretty fast paced back and forth for a bit before Truth gained control for the mid-match beatdown, hinting at what was to follow. No real flow or direction to the match, or at least, none that I could detect with Cole being thrice as distracting as usual on commentary. Some might call that "being a great heel." I would retort that it's "being a shitty commentator." The two are not mutually exclusive, and Cole proves it every time he derails a match by presenting his character counter-productively.

Anyway: Morrison rallies, and the two start counter-wrestling and going for big moves, per the formula. The final spot is Morrison deftly avoiding the Lie Detector and following up with Starship Pain for the clean win.

Your Winner and NEW Co-#1 Contender: John Morrison, via pinfall, in about 6-8 minutes of post ad-break action. An inoffensive, but utterly unremarkable match that served merely to provide the basis for what happened....

After the Match: Truth was shocked (and disappointed) that he lost, so Morrison went over to offer The Handshake of Friendship and Consolation. Truth took it, but when Morrison turned his back, Truth attacked from behind. The he sort of showed remorse. Then he remembered his frustration and delivered a knee to Morrison's head that knocked him out of the ring. Remorse. Frustration. Another knee. Remorse. Frustration. Suplex. He kept going through that sequence of approaching Morrison like he was going to help him to his feet, then suddenly muttering to himself about what a load of BS this is, then telling Morrison that what's about to happen is his fault, that he forced Truth to do this, and then he hits a big move. Through all this, the commentators are dead silent, which -- if you can believe it -- is even MORE distracting than if Cole was talking. It was just awkward to have this thing going on and on and on, without some kind of narration, cause lord knows Truth's dialogue wasn't all that compelling.

Finally, after 5-6 minutes of this, Truth does something interesting. He asks for a bottle of water. Enjoys a glug. Dumps the rest on Morrison. The he starts canvassing the ringside fans, asking for a smoke... he finally finds the plant, who hands him a pack, and a lighter. Truth sparks one up. I giggle and repress the urge to use the English term for a cigarette in describing what Truth enjoys having in his mouth. The English crowd, completely at peace with their choice of words, takes the high road, and starts chanting "That's Ill Eagle *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*" at him. Nice. Truth takes a few deep puffs, then heads back to Morrison's carcass and exhales a lungfull of smoke in Morrison's face. Then he flicks the butt onto Morrison's chest. And then he's outta here.

This entire segment of promo, match, and heel turn took 27 minutes to elapse. Nearly one quarter of the show. I mean, I like the idea of Morrison being in that 3-way, and I like the idea of freshening up Truth with the heel turn, but.... I dunno. That was an over-long, heavily-padded, and at times awkward way of getting to the final destination.

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Next Week: The 2011 Draft will take place. Ahead of schedule. It was supposed to happen in June. But then Edge had to go and ruin everything.

Moments Ago: a lengthy recap of what just happened. Are you kidding me, WWE? You just spent the entire first half-hour of your show telling one story, you haven't told any other stories, and you're recapping that one and only story mere minutes after it happened? Stunning.

Excuse Me: Vickie Guerrero steps out onto the stage to demand our attention. Long story short, there's a "new and improved" Dolph Ziggler, and tonight, we get to meet him. Out steps Dolph, and he looks like the old Dolph, but now, he's a brunette. Whee.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Evan Bourne

I don't recap squashes. And sadly for the under-utilized Bourne, that's what this is. Bourne whiffs on AirBourne, Dolphs with the Zig Zag. Fin.

Your Winner: Dolph Ziggler, via pinfall, in 2 minutes. There's nothing to see here, move along.

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Tribute: the same video package highlighting Edge's biggest moments that they showed on SD.

He's the Miz, and He's Responsible For ALMOST Awesome T-Shirts

Miz and Alex Riley are here, and we're told that this is supposed to be a Riley vs. Sin Cara match, but Miz is tagging along for reasons unknown. My first guess was that he was there because he had a new shirt: a softball-style 3/4-sleeve with "Awesome" in gold and maroon baseball-style script. An "Awesome" shirt using OO's exact color scheme? Oh how I wanted it. Until I saw the back. Like the Miz "nametag" t-shirt, this one suffers from an unfortunate flip side. Not nearly as unfortunate as the "nametag" shirt, but it's still more than enough to make it unwearable in public without feeling like a weenis. Oh well.

And as it turns out, the new shirt isn't why Miz is here. He's here because he wants to use his [insert job title here]'s match as an excuse to say a few words. Mostly, he's super-pissed that he just spent the last week preparing for Cena and Truth in a Title Match, and now all that strategizing and video study is down the tubes because now he's got Morrison to deal with, instead. So that's not fair.

And it gets even worse, because he's been informed that the 3-way title match is now a Cage Match. Which is also not fair. Now he's gotta start his preparation pretty much from scratch. [A note: he went out of his way to say that the cage match would allow for pinfalls and submissions. Which is a HUGE relief to anyone who remembers that mind-bendingly stupid 3-way cage match they did 2 months ago, where it was escape-only, with unintentionally hilarious results.]

Miz will not stand for this double-whammy of unfairness. So he gets a chair, and sits down in the ring. He will not leave until the Virtual GM chimes in and fixes this. They milk it for about 20 seconds, but obviously, this is a spot where they're going to insert....

[ads]

Back, and Miz is still babbling about this miscarriage of justice while seated. He gets about another 30 seconds to do that when somebody backstage decides they've had enough. Sin Cara's music starts up, and he makes his way to the ring for his scheduled match against Riley.

But then we get a surprise. Sin Cara's music is cut off by John Cena's. Cena makes his way to the ring, gesturing (broadly) that he's just there to offset the ringside presence of Miz. And then the GM chimes in and (you guessed it) order that this should be a tag match.

John Cena/Sin Cara vs. Miz/Alex Riley

Hot start to the match, with the babyfaces cleaning house, leading up to Sin Cara taking out both Miz and Riley with a plancha. The heels regroup, and even though we've only had about 90 seconds of action, it's time for still more...

[ads]

Back, and I'm guessing the ad breaks piled up there because there was only one break during the entire lengthy Morrison/Truth opening saga. But it still feels weird to have so little content in between two ads; thank christ for DVR and time shifting.

We rejoin the action with Cena in control over Miz for a few moments. Then Miz and Riley manage to cut the ring in half for a mini-beatdown on Cena (complete with dueling "Let's Go Cena" and "Cena Sucks" chants. A couple minutes of that, and Cena makes the Decoy Hot Tag to Sin Cara, who is en feugo for a quick flurry of flashy moves before he becomes our genuine Face In Peril for several minutes. Sin Cara dodges a charge by Miz, and both men are down. Then both men are crawling to their corners. And then Cena gets the hot tag, while Riley tags in to be a sacrificial lamb.

Cena has his way with Riley till Miz tries to get involved again, and then it's a Pier 4 brawl. But only for a bit. Because Miz decides he doesn't like the way things are going, and turns it into a Pier 3 brawl. Poor, poor Alex Riley takes an F-U from Cena, and then a moonsault from Sin Cara, who makes the pin.

Your Winners: Sin Cara and John Cena, via pinfall, in 10-12 minutes. Pure formula, but spruced up by the always entertaining Cena Polarization, the heat on Miz, and Sin Cara's flashiness. That said: his flashiness was just a tinch off in spots. I don't know if it's the adrenaline of being on the big stage, or the actual, literal difference in the "stage" (WWE rings are way different than lucha rings), but this is the second week in a row where it seemed like Sin Cara might be suffering from the rookie Yips.

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Vignette: another quick clip preparing us for the debut of Awesome Kong (or whatever her new WWE name will be). Much the same as last week's, except this time, the Barbie doll she destroys is a brunette.

Eve vs. The Other Bella

The Champion Bella is in the corner of the Other Bella for this match. The premise is that the Bellas are identical, so if there's any chance for Eve to regain the title from one, she has to prove she can beat the other. Or something. WWE's spent the last 2 months not giving a shit about the women's division, and booking it randomly. Who am I to try to give order to their chaos?

Eve in control, attempted twin antics, backfire, Eve with a small package.

Your Winner: Eve, via pinfall, in 90 seconds flat. Whee.

At Ringside: Michael Cole begins emerging from his cubicle, yammering that something special is coming up next....

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I Hate Michael Cole

We return to find Cole in the ring, and the ring decked out with red carpet and a throne and other "royal" accoutrements. You see, we are here tonight to witness the knighting of "Sir Michael Cole" by Queen Elizabeth herself.

But first, Cole needs the proper garb, so he introduces Jack Swagger, who has been lured back to Camp Cole because of Cole's actions on SD (saving Swagger from a (619)). Swagger helps Cole don a robe/cape thingie, and then takes a big scroll, and says it's time for him to make a decree: thusly and forsooth, becausuth of victories pure and true, the man standething before you shall henceforth be dubbed "Mr. WrestleMania," Sir Michael Cole.

Out comes a Queen Impersonator, who gets booes as she blithely goes through a Knighting Ceremony, saying the requisite nice things about Cole, all of which strike the fans as horseplop. Once she's done, Cole gets a mic, and demands the fans show respect, and call him by his new name, SIR Michael Cole. Sir Michael Cole. He turns it into a chant, "Sir Michael Cole, Sir Michael Cole, Sir Michael Cole." The crowd, not unexpectedly, fills in the extra beat in between with the word "Sucks."

Cole turns his attention to Lawler and JR, and demands respect specifically from them. King and JR just look at each other, nod, and get into the ring to show Cole some respect. With their fists. That goes well for about 10 seconds. Then Swagger gets involved, and Cole starts yelling about how he wants them to kiss his feet.

As Swagger tends to the beatings, Cole removes a shoe and sock to reveal some kind of disgusting latex appliance simulating a potentially fatal case of fungal growth. Lawler's been dumped out of the ring by now, but JR is still in there, and Cole demands JR kiss the foot. JR refuses. So Swagger applies an ankle lock, and Cole eventually shoves JR's face into the foot, and holds it there for a few seconds. Not exactly a kiss, but apparently a moral victory. Cole and Swagger soak in the boos as we head to...

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At Ringside: Josh Mathews is out, replacing both JR and King. Cole's back in his cubicle. Mathews says Cole appears to have a serious medical condition going on with that foot, and suggests he go to a doctor. Sadly, Cole decides to stick around on commentary.

Sheamus vs. Santino Marella (Non-title Match)

I don't recap squashes, and sadly for Santino, that's exactly what this is.

Your Winner: Sheamus, via pinfall, in 2 minutes flat. Meh.

A While Ago: ANOTHER video recap of the Morrison/Truth stuff. Oy.

Backstage: CM Punk and Randy Orton are about to face off in a WM Rematch. But just this moment? They are both WALKING~!

Shameless Self-Promotion: a new WWE Films project (with Orton in it), is coming out soon, to be seen by literally dozens of fans. How the hell did Ed Harris get sucked into this level of suck?

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CM Punk vs. Randy Orton (WrestleMania 27 Rematch)

We quickly establish that the New Nexus has been banned from ringside under threat of... well, I forget, but I'm sure it was under threat of something. Standard "feeling out" opening sequence, during which we learn that Cena's not the only one who can split a crowd. A big "Ran Dee Oar Ton" chant is quickly countered by a "See Emm Punk" one. Per usual (and same as the Cena chants earlier) one is high pitched and girly, and the other low pitched and masculine. What's UNusual, however: the Orton chant sounds kinda funny because it's with an English accent. I don't know if I've ever noticed a chant having an accent before, but I did tonight. The Punk chant? Pretty accent-neutral. Odd.

The opening back and forth led up to Orton attempting an early RKO, but Punk easily countered and tossed Orton out of the ring. Orton's gonna need some time to recoup, so let's check out our last...

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Back, and Punk's in full heel beatdown mode. As that stretches out, the crowd entertains itself by switching to an "Are Kay Oh" vs. "Gee Tee Ess" chant. Match spills outside for a bit, where Punk levels Orton with a flying clothesline, and gets a little dickish by taunting Orton with an audible "too bad I can't pin you out here." It goes back into the ring, and Punk settles for a leg scissors of some kind. Ref starts asking if Orton wants to submit, but instead he powers out. Punk snuffs out the rally with a running knee. Orton tries to rally again with an Angle Slam. Punk snuffs it out with a Bulldog. Orton with another rally. Snuffed out with a springboard ax-handle.

It goes on like this for a few more iterations: Punk always able to stop Orton's rallies, but UNable to keep him down. Punk's frustration grows to the point that he decides to head to the top rope. But Orton is able to knock him off and crotch him on the turnbuckle. Then Orton heads to the second rope and hits a superplex on Punk. The subsequent cover only gets a two count, but this time, Orton's rally is one, and we are in End Game.

Per the rules of End Game: big moves, bigger counters. Hangman DDT? Averted. GTS? Blocked. RKO? Dodged. A second GTS? Orton slips off and behind Punk, bumps him into a turnbuckle, and then goes for a quick roll-up. And really drives with the legs to get leverage. And gets the pin. Off a school-boy. Huh. Kinda unexpected. Kinda really unexpected.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in about 16-18 minutes. A slow starter, but the second half was very solid, with a hot crowd, and leading up to a genuinely surprising (but plausible) finish. Probably just about on par with their WM match in terms of quality, but with a totally different feel in terms of finality. The WM match seemed ot end their feud. But now, with Orton settling for a roll-up win in a match dominated by Punk, you can tell they're going to keep on milking this one. [In fact, a Last Man Standing match has already been announced between the two at the Extreme Rules PPV.]

After the Match: the new Nexus attacked Orton. Punk gave the orders for the first minute or two. And then Mason Ryan (or "Welsh Batista") decided he was in charge. He actually shoved aside other guys, because he wanted to be the one to finish Orton off. Punk personally intervened and told Ryan to chill. After a few moments of indecision, Ryan stepped aside, and Punk decided to hit Randall with his own move. Punk warmed up for the Punt Kick... but when he made his approach, Orton sprang up and tried to hit an RKO. Punk was able to shove Orton off, but he was plenty spooked. Orton left the ring with a slight smile on his face, as Punk was stuck in the ring seething as we fade to black.

And so ended the show. There were certainly a few bits here and there that annoyed the hell out of me in the micro, and it continues to baffle me how WWE can piss away 3 minutes here and 2 minutes there and so on when they only have about 80 minutes of Real Time to fill on a 2 hour telecast.

But in the macro, I still possess a Fast Forward button on my DVR, and the parts of the show that did matter were pretty effective (in terms of moving things forward to the PPV, especially changing the PPV main event to a more-promising match with Morrison) and entertaining (a couple decent matches, and then a very solid main event; all going along with some Miz goodness and a surprise heel turn).

I can't complain too much about that. But be sure to check back to OO this weekend to see if I find anything to complain about with regards to SmackDown. I know y'all care deeply about the sandiness of my vagina.

Till then, kids....

RAW SATIRE: Nunzio, the Female Body Inspector

RAW RECAP: R-Truth is One Angry Black Man

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Terrorists Win

RAW SATIRE: Wrestling's Most Wanted

RAW RECAP: T-Minus 48 Weeks, and Counting

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2011

OOTRR: WWE Unforgiven 2004 Re-Revued

RAW SATIRE: WHAMMY'D~!

NEWSFLASH: 2011 WWE Draft Results

RAW RECAP: Now You See Him, Now You Still See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Edge's Busy Retirement

RAW SATIRE: England is Flavor Country

RAW RECAP: Changing Plans

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bittersweet Victory

RAW SATIRE: Who is Sin Cara?

RAW RECAP: Other Stuff Happened, Too

NEWSFLASH: Edge Retires

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Third Time's the Charm

RAW SATIRE: Think of the Children!

RAW RECAP: Cena and Rock Ask You to Save the Date

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 27

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT: A Throwback WrestleMania?

PYRO'S PPV CORNER: WrestleMania 27

RAW SATIRE: Big Red Tromboner

RAW RECAP: Finally...

RAW SATIRE: Thrown Under the Bus

NXT RECAP: Like a Cow Chewing its Own Cud...

RAW RECAP: Sweet Sweet Vengeance

RAW SATIRE: Jersey Wisdom?

NXT RECAP: The Case for William Regal

RAW RECAP: Miz = Winning

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Who Won NXT, Again?

RAW SATIRE: G-Rilla is Here!

NXT RECAP: Is This Really Necessary?

RAW RECAP: The Soul Crushing Finale

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Christian to the Rescue (Again)

RAW SATIRE: Miz's Addition by Subtraction Theatre

NXT RECAP: Johnny Curtis?!? Really?!?

RAW RECAP: Phoning it In

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hasta la Vista, Vickie

RAW SATIRE: Scandal in the Tag Ranks

NXT RECAP: What the What?!?

RAW RECAP: Silence is Golden

OO: What I'll Remember About Chris Benoit

NEWS CENTRAL: All Updates About Benoit Tragedy

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.