Last Week: Everybody was talking about The Rock even though The Rock wasn’t even there. Plus, Stone Cold Steve Austin WAS there and just sort of looked confused. And Michael Cole finally said about the Women’s Divison what we’ve all been thinking for years! Not enough Yaks! Maybe they’ll get some more…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Hey! Look! The Rock has moved a desk into his basement bathroom. Which is weird, but ok? He’s on the phone.
 

The Rock hangs up the phone. He’s suddenly interrupted, not by pie or Pi, but…APPLE DOUGH!

Rock: NO! It’s my arch nemesis! John Cena’s illegitimate cousin Tha Trademarc!

Tha Trademarc: Yo, nice subterranean bathroom office you’ve got here, el Rocco!

Rock: Get away, foul creature! Can’t you see I’m working on Maid in Manhattan 2: Manservant in Queens here?

Trademarc: Yo Yo YO YO YO YO YO! YOOO! YOOOOOOOOO!

Rock: NO! You cannot rap!

Trademarc: Just watch me. Check it.

I’m Tha Trademarc
And I’m here to say
I like to eat tacos
And snacks all day!

I’m John Cena’s cuz,
I’m a real neat rapper,
When I eat candy,
I throw away…the…uh…wrapper!

Some roses are red,
Some roses are blue,
Some roses are white,
I like other flowers too!

What color are Cheetos?
I say they’re orange!
Best not step to me,
Because…THE CHAMP’S COUSIN IS HERE!

Rock: I’ve lost my will to live.

Trademarc: Word to your mother’s uncle’s second cousin twice removed.

Rock: You know what? When people ask me why I left WWE to go be the star of Disney’s Happy Time Golfapalooza or the live action remake of Widget the World Watcher, this is what I’m talking about. How far has this show fallen since when I was on? At least back in The Rock’s heyday we wouldn’t have stood for a show opening 15 minute promo from some guy’s bathroom! Unless it was Brian Pillman. And even then it was just because he was going to shoot Steve Austin.

Trademarc: Can I rap some more?

Rock: What are you high on? NO!

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?

Rock: What are you doing in The Rock’s basement? And why are you crying about the fact that this guy doesn’t get to rap anymore?

T.E. Jessie: It’s just so unfair! He loves to rap! WAAAAAH!

Trademarc: Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. Other words.

Rock: You two take this box of Wheat Thins and wheat your way out of my bathroom.

Trademarc: But won’t making our diet higher in fiber-

Rock: DON’T FINISH THAT THOUGHT! Ok. Ok. It’s going to be fine. And hey, The Miz. Nice job taking out John Cena last week. But I’m still never going to feud with you. You’re like a third rate version of Maven. Now there was a good looking young man. I’ve got to find out what happened to that guy.

Backstage Trish Stratus (who looks weirdly like Rosa Mendes for some reason) attempts to teach Snooki what a calculator is. With those two brilliant minds on the case, the country’s economic woes will be solved in no time!

Michael Cole has his own pope bubble now. I’m not sure if that’s amazing or stupid, but they should totally have a gimmick match in there. And now here’s The Miz.

The Miz: Oh my God. You know what I was doing seven years ago? Making tons of cash and having sex with lots of girls while sitting on the beach. But Rock hasn’t evolved at all! It’s sort of disappointing. Like watching your dad try to dance at a wedding. Oh sure, he might break out some cool dance moves. Cool if it were the 1960s. Which it’s not. Go crawl back into your hole of awful business decisions and leave us out of it, The Rock. And also something about John Cena.

RAW General Manager Demon Girl sends an e-mail to Michael Cole, but he was too stupid to put the computer in his little hovel, so he can’t get to it.

Jerry “” Lawler: The Demon Girl issues forth the following decree: John Cena will wrestle somebody who is not on this show, and The Miz will fight a horrible, horrible jobber. So it is Tweeted, so shall it be done.

The Miz vs. The Great Khali (w/ Indian Eric Bischoff)

Thi-

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Ok, this match doesn’t deserve the ad break. Miz sells for Khali like the former World Champion that he is. Does it bother anybody that Indian Eric Bischoff is back to being happy just to dance around. I thought he hated that? Anyway, Khali gets Miz in the Kona Krush, but Alex Riley runs in and breaks it up. Arrest that deranged fan! Miz looks really depressed that he can’t get rid of Riley, so he goes out and grabs a chair and takes a swing at Alex, but he misses and thwacks Khali instead. Miz figures, “well, once I’ve taken one shot, might as well take them all.” So he just hits Khali in the face with the chair 11,000 times.

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Ok so let’s all forget Triple H wrestled The Undertaker at Wrestlemania a few years ago.

Backstage, John Morrison is standing by with Snooki.

John Morrison: I like to wear fur coats and put glitter on my abs. Remind you of anyone you know?

Snooki: Verily! Thou dost remindst me of Sir Situation! Gymnasium! Baste! Abstersion!

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Are you New York Times Bestselling Author Mick Foley?!

Snooki: Vilest knave! Eat the flat of mine hand, rapscallion!

Snooki slaps Vickie! That’s Probably Her Move!

Dolph Ziggler: Better than getting slapped by J-Woww.

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Did you know? About 17 Potted Plants will be destroyed during Wrestlemania Weekend?

King Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan (w/ Gail Kim)
For the WWE United States Title and if Sheamus Loses He Will Quit Wrestling Forever

When did he start? *rimshot* Has he U.S. Title graphic always been that gaudy and awful? Everything about that belt is hilarious. Michael Cole asks Jerry “” Lawler if he’s ever been on a losing streak. Lawler says “No” despite the fact that he didn’t win match from 1970 - 1999. Daniel Bryan comes to the ring with his erstwhile “Bryan Girl” Gail Kim, but she immediately explodes into thirteen beautiful women and a steak dinner, which Bryan sits outside the ring and enjoys.

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When we come back, Sheamus is beating on mid air, while Daniel Bryan pitches forty two perfect games. Stevie Richards eat your heart out. Bryan finally turns his attention to the match, and locks in the LaBell Lock which is some kind of amazing submission hold that he just came up with now. But Sheamus calls Dan a “Total Fella.” No one has ever dared question the Fellaship of Bryan before. He’s so shocked and confused that Sheamus is able to load up the Bicycle Kick for the win. Truly it is the Finisher of Champions! What an upset!

Michael Cole is promising somebody from Jerry Lawler’s past who will destroy him. I hope it’s Stacy Carter! Or Dink!

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Michael Cole is in the ring. That’s dangerous!

Michael Cole: I’ve got the most humiliating guest who is going to punk out Jerry Lawler right now. He’s possibly about to get arrested for crossing the Missouri border with cocaine, and he’s Jerry Lawler’s illegitimate son! Grand Master Sexay!

He looks like..a really out of shape Goldust. That’s…unfortunate.

Brian Christopher: Remember how my dad refused to acknowledge that I even existed on WWE TV for five years? Well…now it’s my time to shine! In five years…gasp…I…pant…don’t…hold on let me catch my breath. Man, why didn’t I ever get any promo time? I just laughed at Rikishi. I’m tearing it up!

Jerry “” Lawler: Are you really gassed cutting a promo right now? You’re an embarrassment to the Sexay name. Quite frankly, I’m just really glad nobody is watching this show to see what an abomination you’ve turned into.

Christopher: Well, I did learn something from you dad. Watch as I thrust my pelvis in your face. Ugh ugh.

The Grand Master then falls into a heap, his entire energy reserves having been depleted.

Cole: Look at how awful your kid is! That’s your DNA! You are that awful! Look into this mirror and despair! Hey, everybody! Look! It’s Jim Ross!

Jim Ross: Hey, everybody! I heard the Rock and STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! are back, so I figured it might just be 1999 again. But here’s Michael Cole. You’re no Kevin Kelly, son.

Cole: Don’t you have some barbeque sauce to shill?

Ross: As a matter of fact I do. Visit my blog and order yourself some of JR’s BBQ Sauce! Michael, I may have Bells Palsey, but at least I wake up every morning and I’m not Michael Cole.

Then Cole and J.R. start stripping, which is…weird. But before they can get too far, Jack Swagger runs out and attacks Ross. Ah, the annual J.R. humiliation! Always nice to have you back, Jim! Lawler tries to interfere, and gets an ankle lock for his trouble. Cole locks the ankle lock on Ross too, which he’s been dreaming about doing for ten years now. Ever the professional, J.R. calls his own beat down.

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Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk)

This is all that’s left of The New Nexus (As Seen on TV!), which is kind of sad. Where have you gone Wade Barrett? No, seriously. What ever happened to that guy? Michael Cole commits the cardinal sin of talking over the commercials. That’s not going to get you a Wrestlemania, win buddy. Punk is perplexed at the super slow counts by all the referees tonight. While Mason Ryan is mesmerized by the idea of GOING TO WRESTELMANIA~! he falls asleep and falls over. Orton wins! Nobody from The Nexus gets a Wrestlemania paycheck! In your face, guys! Then Orton punts Ryan in the head, which may very well complete the poor guy’s transformation into Batista.

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Going into the WWE Hall of Fame? Brian Kendrick’s best friend, Drew Carey. Just remember to say hello to Spanky’s cats!

Meanwhile, Michael Cole is wearing his tie backwards, and drunkenly talking about cupcakes.

Backstage….

Zack Ryder: I am doing a sort of Jersey Shore gimmick. Woo woo!

Snooki: I say! I have no idea who thou art!

Ryder: Woo woo.

Trish Stratus: Seriously? I came back for this?

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The WWE Universe has no idea what to make of Snooki! I just want to see if she’s taller than Hornswoggle!

Snooki: I cannot believe that I paid top dollar for this aberration of a televised program! Now, if you fine chaps will excuse me, Vincent McMahon doest not trust me with any more microphone time! So I will takest mine seat at ringside.

Vickie Guerrero: Excuse me! Remember when I won a match at Wrestlemania? Well…When was the last time Trish Stratus won a match? Exactly. I’m taking this tonight.

Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus (w/ Snooki)
If Vickie Wins She Gets to be on RAW For Reals

Trish looks weird. I’m just saying. Vickie’s entire offense to this point is throwing her shoe at Trish and missing. I think she learned that move from R-Truth! Dolph runs out to try to get some screen time, but John Morrison puts and end to that. But what they miss is that Lay Cool in the ring. Michelle kicks Trish in the head. Vickie with the pin! I told you Vickie had the edge here! Why is one of Michelle’s boots twice as long as the other one? Is that something Taker’s into? Snooki hits the ring and skewers Layla with her Ewok Spear. This all somehow leads to a match at Wrestlemania. SNOOKI IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA~! Eat your heart out, Mason Ryan!

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Somewhere, Sin Cara is on fire. And wrestling Super Porky. Both parts of that seem dangerous.

Meanwhile, back at the Cow Couch.

Shawn Michaels: Let me tell you about Undertaker. That guy owes me five bucks. So we’re at this hotel right? And Taker is like, “Aw man, I haven’t had lunch yet. Can I borrow five bucks?” So I’m like, “Sure,” and he takes the five bucks and you know what he buys? Twizzlers. Five dollars worth of Twizzlers. For lunch. What kind of lunch is that? And he never. Paid. Me. Back. I’m going to go to my grave with that grudge. Unless he pays me back. You hear me Undertaker? I want my five bucks back! Now get off my cow couch!

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez and G-Rilla~!) vs. John Cena

I really want a Alberto Del Rio vanity plate. And I want my own personal ring announcer. How much do you think that guy gets paid? I bet it’s not that much. I could hire Super Porky. How did Snoop Dogg justify firing G-Rilla? The worst business decision he’s ever made in his life. I’m pretty sure Cena spits out his gum and hands it to WWE RAW Referee Charles Robinson, which is kinda gross, dude. It was cool when Curt Hennig did it, but that’s because Curt was cool. Michael Cole interrupts shilling for K-Mart to babble about The Rock. Two strikes, Cole!

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Del Rio and Cena exchange a series of punches and kicks that come closer to hitting people in the eighth row than they do each other. Thoroughly embarrassed by the lack of wrestling ability being shown here, G-Rilla jumps into the ring and pulls them apart for the DQ. The Miz comes out in a bald cap and the crowd goes nuts because wrestling fans are notorious for being a bunch of blind people. As a rule. I’m typing this all out in Braille. I think G-Rilla’s finisher is a fallaway slam. Which is awesome. Miz takes his bald cap off, and his blackface is somehow still whiter than Cena’s fake tan. Which is the best. Then Miz proceeds to just beat up Cena for twenty minutes on the entrance ramp. The crowd? Tired. They expended all their energy cheering on future WWE Divas Champion Snookie earlier. Has that WWE Weather Vane always been there? Man, I miss the old Thunder set. So anyway…yeah. Good for Miz?

Next Week: The Miz does something else crazy on his way to being largely ignored at Wrestlemania. Triple H shows up and apologizes that he totally forgot to set his clock for Daylight Savings so he showed up after the show instead of an hour late. And The Rock spends an hour humiliating John Cena’s dad. But not on TV or anything.