OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
The Rock and John Cena Ask You to Save The Date
April 5, 2011

by The Rick
Undisputed Lord and Master of Online Onslaught

Hey hey, kids! It's me again. As promised. Gotta earn my keep around here. And if I'm going to be pushed into service several times per week (what is this, 2001?), what better time to be on duty than WrestleMania season, right? Were I an egocentric bastard, I'd compare myself with another beloved personality from a bygone era and blurt out "FINALLY, The Rick has come back to recappening."

But I'm not, so I won't say that. Except: I already did. Oops. Fie on me and my craftiness.

But enough of that silliness. It's officially time to get back to work now that UConn had to go and ruin The Weekend of Awesome by smiting Butler in a shittily-played game... O Weekend of Awesome, your Reds-sweeping, UD-Flyers-new-coach-getting, Butler-VCU-underdoggening, WrestleMania-take-placening won't soon be forgotten.

Oh, and one more thing that added to the Weekend of Awesome that I've failed to mention in the WM Prewview or Recap: the new Foo Fighters album. I got it, it rules, and if you like music that doesn't suck, you should make a point to get it, too. It's no "Colour and the Shape," but after repeated listens, I think "Wasting Light" might be their second best record yet. At the very least, it's a stronger start-to-finish album than their last two (the flabby double album which I've long since taken the liberty of only listening to via my own single-album playlist of 12 songs, and the slightly wanker-ish one that promisingly started with "The Pretender" but only had 2 or 3 other strong tunes). No tracks blending blandly together in my memory on this one: each song has its own identity, some of them are feloniously catchy and will get stuck in your head, and the rock-to-ballad ratio is back where it should be.

And it goes without saying that if you haven't already seen the video for "White Limo," you cannot be my friend. It's been out for at least a month now, so what are you waiting for? It features stunt driving, boozing, a skanky chick, the Foos rocking, and LEMMY~! When Beavis and Butthead return this summer, this had goddamned well better be near the very top of their list for videos to watch and headbang to.

Anyway, what was that I was saying about getting back to work? Let's get on with the show!

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Atlanta, GA, site of the previous night's WrestleMania, and site of tonight's Monday Night RAW. We are welcomed to the show by Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler (but we also notice Cole's plexiglass cubicle nearby), as the aforementioned Lemmy is heard to inform us that it's time to play the game....

Triple H's "I Lost But At Least I Didn't Get Carted Out on a Stretcher" Theatre

Fans greet HHH with a "You tapped out" chant, which HHH acknowledges. He says he honestly thought he could beat the Streak, but Undertaker just wouldn't let it happen. HHH says he's known Taker for over 15 years, and he's wrestled him tons of times in that span (even acknowledging that he wrestled him at WrestleMania 10 years before this year's showdown)... but last night at WM, something was different, and it was something that Hunter didn't account for in his preparation. HHH says he felt it from the moment Taker's music started, and he heard that gong, and for the first time ever, he was really nervous heading into a match.

But HHH got over it and gave it his all. It's just that Taker gave it that much more and HHH wasn't prepared for it. It was more than Taker's given on other shows. It was more than Taker gave at their previous WrestleMania, before the streak really became notable, before the streak became The Streak. And it might have been more than Taker should've given. Because yes, Taker won and defended The Streak. But Taker's the one who couldn't stand up after thematch, Taker's the one who got taken out on a stretcher, and HHH is the one standing here tonight telling us about it.

HHH says that the entity he fought last night seemed to have a supernatural power and will to win. [Or, in HHH's own poorly-chosen words: "I kept beating him and beating him, and he just kept on coming." Ewwwww.] But once the match was over, a transformation took place, and all HHH saw when he looked at Taker was a man. The magic had gone out of him; Taker used up the last of his reserves to win the match and protect the Streak, and now, he was merely mortal.

Hunter then mentioned that there is talk that Taker knows this and will never be seen again... but HHH doesn't believe a word of it. He thinks the Undertaker will return, and when he does, HHH promises (with a meaningful look straight into the camera) to be right there waiting for him.

On the day after WM27, did we just get our first gauntlet thrown down for WM28? If so, HHH can be the first man to lose 3 times to Taker at WM; maybe that's his Plan B now that it looks like he won't be able to break Flair's record for most world titles? Either way, very strong promo coming off their very strong match.

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I Hate Michael Cole

So we come back from commercials, and King and JR are talking about last night's match where King made Cole tap out, but the Virtual GM reversed the decision and yadda yadda yadda until Cole comes out, wearing his orange amatuer rasslin' gear, and blathering into a mic.

I'll cut out the fat and give you the upshot of the whole mess: Cole challenges Lawler to a rematch. King instantly accepts. Cole reveals he wasn't talking about a WM rematch, he was talking about a rematch from last week's RAW... so King is now facing Jack Swagger.

Jerry "the King" Lawler vs. Jack Swagger

Simple as simple can be, as Swagger took early control to set up the babyface rally by King at the 2 minute mark. Jerry's rally consisted of exactly 6 punches, one dropkick, and then he went to the top rope to finish things off... but then came down and decided to go after Cole (who had gotten up on the apron to create a distraction). Bad idea. Once Lawler plays cat to Cole's mouse, Swagger has had time to recover and intercepts the King, slaps on the ankle lock, and that's that. King taps out.

But wait: Swagger won't release the hold, so the ref goes over to the ring announcer and reverses the decision.

Your Winner: Jerry Lawler via DQ in 3-4 minutes.

After the Match: Lawler is helped out of the ring and to the back, so Cole decides to take over on commentary. Taking his seat inside the Cole Mine, he discovers a bottle of JR's BBQ Sauce has been placed on his desk. This displeases Cole, who start berating Jim Ross, and eventually dumps the sauce onto JR, which causes JR to get up and start advancing on Cole in a menacing fashion. This causes Cole to retreat up the ramp, JR behind him, and they both disappear backstage. Since we now have zero announcers, it's a good spot to break for....

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Rey Mysterio and Randy Orton vs. CM Punk and Cody Rhodes

FWIW, Cole has returned and is hunkered down in his cubicle. He's joined by both Booker T and Josh Mathews in a complete commentary reset.

We get all four ring entrances and approximately 37 seconds of action befre we suddenly go to yet another set of....

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Back, and it's Orton and Rhodes, with Orton in control. In fact, Rey and Randy effectively "cut the ring in half" and traded tags while maintaining the advantage. It should be noted that Punk didn't seem particularly concerned about tagging in (or, as Booker noted, "He's wearing out the apron"). That changed when Cody caught a break and was able to chop block Orton's bad knee. NOW Punk is willing to tag in.

Punk starts going to town on the bad knee and.... what the hell, we've only been back for about 2 minutes and you're throwing to MORE....

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OK, back again. So far 2 and a half minutes of this match have taken place on TV. The other 6 have taken place during commercials. Baffling. And we thought WM27 had its time management issues...

Anyway, we come back to see Punk still in control of Orton. But only for about 19 seconds, as Orton powers out of a submission attempt and lands an out-of-nowhere Angle Slam. Then he lunges for his corner and makes the hot tag to Rey. Huge flurry for Rey, but when he goes for the (619), Cody gets in the ring to interfere.

Now things start to break down. Interference here, near fall there, and finally, it's just a Pier 4 Brawl. Punk powders out (again, he's not much of a "give a shit about my random tag partner" kind of guy), leaving Rhodes to eat a very nicely done (619)-into-RKO combo.

Your Winners: Rey Mysterio and Randy Orton via pinfall in 15-16 minutes. Nothing fancy, but certainly very solid with a well executed and dynamic end game sequence. The timing of the ad breaks was odd, but I have a feeling they didn't really hurt the flow of the match (assuming you're like me and had a built-in time shift), since the early stuff was probably slower paced anyway.

Backstage: Stone Cold Steve Austin is here. And he's WALKING~! To the ring. Where he's got something special planned for the fans, accourdng to the announcers. On his way, he bumps into Triple H. The two share a brief greeting and handshake, and nothing more. Just like Austin and Rock last night.

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Thinly Veiled Advertising for a Show I Won't Watch (Followed by an Intriguing Twist)

So Austin hits the ring and doesn't even pretend like this isn't an insulting plug for "Tough Enough." He reminds everybody what time the show is on, tells us we should watch, and then his big surprise: the entire 14-person cast of the show. He wants us to meet the kids.

Oy. I'm not going to recap them passing the mic around the horn. I'm just not. It's not part of the job description to pretend like "scripted reality" is a valid genre of TV. So I'll just skip to the part where Austin says they're all great kids, and he's really loooking forward to working with them and putting them through the paces. Which is hilarious since the entire season of the show has already wrapped taping, and all but 3 of the 14 already know they're eliminated. The other 3 get the excitement of waiting around until the entire season airs, twiddling their thumbs until the final live results show happens. Whee.

Austin starts shilling some more after the 14 are down when, thankfully, the Miz comes out to make some sense of all this. The crowd is 80% behind him with "Miz is Awesome" chants. Huh. Anyway, Miz reminds us of his big win that nobody expected him to pull off at WM27. The more people say he can't do it, the more the Miz proves them wrong. That started with Miz participating in Season 3 of Tough Enough, and being cut early because he didn't have it. But then he worked hard and got a job with WWE anyway, but was told he'd never be a star. But he stuck around and won titles, but was told he'd never win the big one. Then he won MitB and cashed it in and won the Big One, but was told he'd never retain it in a WM match against the Poster Boy for WWE, John Cena. But last night, he did just that.

But if you think he's here to give the TE cast members a pep talk, showing how one of them can one day be WWE Champ, think again. He's here to taunt them, because it took a special, once in a lifetime talent like Miz to get this done. He is, afterall, awesome. So he invites the 14 kids to look at his belt, because it's the closest any of them will ever come to being WWE Champion...

And then he turns and catches ol' Stone Cold eyeballing the belt, too, just like the kids are. "Oh, I see. I know what you're thinking, Steve. You're thinking you might have one last run in you. Aren't you? Huh? Are you Tough Enough, Steve? You wanna clear this ring and find out?"... Austin goes from eyeballing the gold to death-staring Miz. And then he says "Clear the ring" without breaking eye contact. The crowd is going fairly ape shit for this. "Miz is Awesome" has become "One More Match." Austin breaks eye contact to survey the audience, which is all the opening Miz needs to cold cock Austin in the mush.

But Austin won't be having much more of that happy crappy. Some classic I-block-your-punch-but-you-don't-block-mine, and Miz is on the ropes, and decides to take a powder. His [insert job title here] Alex Riley, however, is not as bright, and decides to continue the fight while Miz retreats. Stone Cold hits all the classics: Thesz Press, Mudhole Stomp, Walk It Dry, and yep: Kick. Wham. Stunner. Thanks for playing, Alex.

Miz drags Riley's carcass out of the ring, and Austin calls for beers. He shares them around with the 14 TE kids. I assume because he knows 11 of the 14 are living a lie and they need to drown their sorrows... but no matter.... the appearance of Miz and the potential for Austin to actually have that "one more match" that he's held off on having for 8 damned years is MORE than enough excitement to justify this whole segment. Now we just wait and see if that really is the direction we're going... Austin (seconded by whoever wins TE) vs. Miz (seconded by his NXT protege, Riley) at SummerSlam, anyone?

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Alberto del Rio vs. Evan Bourne

This is del Rio's "get well" match after he (somewhat surprisingly) lost to Edge at WM. Suffice to say, I don't recap squashes.

Your Winner: Alberto del Rio via submission in about 2 minutes.

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Useless Hype: a lengthy video package of "WrestleMania Week" and all its ancilary activities.

Excuse Me: Vickie Guerrero comes out to the ring with Dolph Ziggler and blames LayCool for costing her and Dolph a win last night at WM27. So now that those losers and the little orange midget are gone, Vickie wants to try again. This time, she'll step in the ring her own self, alongside Dolph, if John Morrison and Trish Stratus feel up to a fight tonight. Turns out they do, but it'll have to wait till after these...

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Trish Stratus and John Morrison vs. Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler

The guys start for the first 90 seconds or so of back and forth when Vickie decides to tag herself in. Per the rules, this means Trish must tag in. For the next minute, Trish has to attempt the proverbial "wrestling a broomstick," as Vickie's rather limited. Trish basically finds a half dozen different ways (from the standard to the Matrix-y) to roll Vickie up for a near fall. That gets tiresome, so Trish tags Morrison back in. Morrison and Ziggler with trade some more offense, this time higher impact stuff than earlier, leading up to Dolph hitting a German Suplex, causing Trish to come into the ring and stomp Ziggler to break the pinfall. Ziggler takes umbrage at this, so Trish hits him with the I Refuse to Call it The Chick Kick Kick. Atta girl, honey. Morrison follows up with his front kick. Trish keeps Vickie at bay while Morrison hits Starship Pain for the win.

Your Winners: Trish Stratus and John Morrison via pinfall in 6 minutes. Entertaining all the way through. I won't watch Tough Enough, so I enjoy any chance I can to have Trish on my TV, doing what she does best. Which is multitasking: wrestling, and looking good doing it.

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Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan (US Title Match)

Sheamus comes out in awesome new red, white, and blue trunks that are quite fitting for The Champion of the United States of America. Hilarious, fella. Sadly, I was dead wrong about this match being bumped from WM so it could have a full-length slot on RAW... it got 3 minutes. No real narrative or flow here, just a bunch of random moves ending with Sheamus blocking/powering out of a LeBelle Lock and hitting the Brogue Kick for the win.

Your Winner and Still US Champion: Sheamus, via pinfall in 3-4 minutes. So these 2 have still not had the chance to have the match that I know they can have. And now I fear they won't ever, as this felt like a blow-off to the feud. Especially considering what happened....

After the Match: Sheamus is celebrating when some unfamiliar music and lighting kick in... it's Sin Cara, WWE's new masked sensation from Mexico (where he was known as Mistico, and was essentially their John Cena: the biggest mega star in all the land). He sprints to the ring and appears to leap from the floor over the top in superman fashion and front-rolling to land on his feet. Impressive (but shhhh don't tell anyone he used a trampampoline, like the ones used by the Bud Light Daredevils and other Halftime Show Dunk Squads). Sheamus isn't sure what to do, so he charges, and is immediately dropped with a wrap-around rana. Then a seated senton. Then a springboard kick to send Sheamus to the floor. Then a springboard high cross body from the top rope to the floor that had some CRAZY hang time on it.

Sheamus is crumpled n a heap as Sin Cara poses in a manner that I *assume* means he wants the US Title. Sadly, because of the vagaries of Vince McMahon's raging insecurities and self-loathing, Sin Cara is not allowed to make the universal signal for "I want da belt," because there are no title belts in WWE on the grounds that belts are something lowly peasant normal people wear to hold up their pants, not something a Superstar would ever wear around his waist after becoming a Champion. Oy.

Anyway: excellent way to debut the new guy. He's already a megastar in Mexico and overseas. This will serve to indicate to US fans that they should get on the bandwagon if Sin Cara's first act is to win a secondary title. Also: fans should be impressed by the fact that Sin Cara is basically Rey Mysterio, except he still has functional knees and thus has a full array of awesome high flying moves.

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The Rock and John Cena Ask You To Save The Date (Formal Invitations Coming Later... Much, Much Later)

John Cena hits the ring. He is showered in boos, but he has some stuff he needs to say. And it turns out, it's fairly sensible stuff: he's not making any excuses about WM. He can't pretend that he was surprised by the Rock's actions, because the Rock promised he'd be whipping some candy-ass at WM. Cena says he was pretty sure that his was the ass in question, but he still didn't think Rock would actually interfere in the title match. Still: Cena also notes that if Rock hadn't interfered, then WrestleMania 27 would have ended with a draw, and that, sayeth Cena, "Would have sucked donkey." Gotta give the guy credit: he's 100% right about that.

But now that that's in the past, the Rock's had his chance to stick his nose in Cena's business, so now Cena wants Rock to come out here so Cena can get himself involved in Rock's business.

Enter Rocky, to almost unanimous cheers. Cena begins the interrogation by saying he knows Rock had it in for him, but he also thought Rock had enough respect for the business and for that title to not interfere in such a big match, and save it till afterwards... Rocky immediately responds by saying there should be no questions about Rock "respecting" anything. Or anybody. Rock genuinely respects John Cena, because he (better than anybody) knows what it's like to be the face of WWE, and he knows Cena works his ass off to fulfill all those obligations. But that said: "I respect you, John. But the thing is: I just. Don't. Like you." That gets the crowd hootin' and hollerin'.

Cena's all "Alright, I get it, you don't like me. You don't like the colors I wear. You don't like the music I listen to. You don't like the way I talk." But, Cena says, he doesn't care, because what's important to him is giving the fans their money's worth, not gaining the approval of the Tooth Fairy. [ZING~!]

Furthermore, Cena's says he's looking around at these fans, he's listening to these fans, and he knows what the fans want. And he wants to give it to them. They want Ali vs. Frazier. They want Jordan vs. Lebron. They want generations to collide.... they want... they want... they want copies of WWE All Stars, now available for Playbox 5000 and all other standard gaming platforms!

Errrr, wait.... correction: the fans want John Cena vs. The Rock! The fans erupt in a fashion that seems to suggest JonJon has just had the greatest brainstorm ever.

The Rock registers a moment of surprise, followed by a look of realization that, yes, this is not a bad idea. He assesses the situation: recognizes the fans want it, gives Cena a once over to make sure this is on the up and up.

And then, the Rock says, "John Cena, you have no idea what you just asked for. You just asked the Rock to bring. And oh yeah, the Rock's gonna bring it!" Even louder cheers. And then: "But if we're gonna do this, John Cena, we're going to do it right. On the biggest stage of them all. The Rock vs. John Cena at WrestleMania 28." And with that, the air went out of the crowd. It's not like we were gonna get that match TONIGHT, but waiting a year seems a bit of a stretch to cheer about it now...

Cena agrees, and the Rock starts the hype by promising it'll be the biggest and best WrestleMania ever. That it'll be The People's WrestleMania. Cena and Rock seal the deal with a handshake when -- for no good reason whatsoever -- the Corre hit the ring and attack.

That doesn't exactly go smoothly, as Rock and Cena hand out a bunch of FU's and Rock Bottoms, to finish the show standing victoriously together in the ring. Oh, I get the reason for the Corre coming out, now: to end the show on a happy note, instead of a note where the crowd started booing because they have to wait a year before Rock vs. Cena. Crafty.

And so ended the show. If all goes according to plan, I think tonight just laid the foundation for TWO matches at WrestleMania 28. Which is pretty intriguing. If all goes according to plan -- and that's not guaranteed, what with the possibilities of injuries and all -- WWE may have just taken my advice about how you have to get the fans caring about WM in January if you want the show to have a true "WM Feel," and put that advice on steroids.

We'll have to see how that plays out... cuz it's not just a matter of planting the seeds early. It's also a matter of tending to the sproutlings and making sure it grows into a big, healthy plant. With WWE's track record for sloppy/lazy storytelling, you can never be sure. You would hope, however, that for something as huge as the Rock's comeback match, they would be putting forth the best effort possible... but even then, issues of how often the Rock will be around and on TV, how you keep Cena occupied for a year while he is on TV every week, all that could get messy.

For now, I'm willing to grant that was a decent 2 hours worth of TV. Maybe a little light on wrestling and heavy on drama, but hey: that's pretty much par for the course on the night after WM. I'll take HHH's promo, the mixed tag, the excellent and enticing interaction between Austin and Miz, Sin Cara's debut, and the Rock/Cena bombshell. Pretty much the only thing that sucked out loud was the Cole/Lawler stuff; christ did WWE ever misread the level of the room when they decided not to kill off the Cole gimmick last night at Mania.

See you again Friday for the SmackDown Recap. Yes: Friday for SD. I'm willing to earn my keep around here during Pyro's vacation, but that does NOT extend to me pretending to give a shit about Reject Season on "NXT: Chewing Its Own Cud." So Friday for SD it is. Stay classy till then, kids...

RAW SATIRE: Nunzio, the Female Body Inspector

RAW RECAP: R-Truth is One Angry Black Man

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Terrorists Win

RAW SATIRE: Wrestling's Most Wanted

RAW RECAP: T-Minus 48 Weeks, and Counting

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2011

OOTRR: WWE Unforgiven 2004 Re-Revued

RAW SATIRE: WHAMMY'D~!

NEWSFLASH: 2011 WWE Draft Results

RAW RECAP: Now You See Him, Now You Still See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Edge's Busy Retirement

RAW SATIRE: England is Flavor Country

RAW RECAP: Changing Plans

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bittersweet Victory

RAW SATIRE: Who is Sin Cara?

RAW RECAP: Other Stuff Happened, Too

NEWSFLASH: Edge Retires

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Third Time's the Charm

RAW SATIRE: Think of the Children!

RAW RECAP: Cena and Rock Ask You to Save the Date

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 27

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT: A Throwback WrestleMania?

PYRO'S PPV CORNER: WrestleMania 27

RAW SATIRE: Big Red Tromboner

RAW RECAP: Finally...

RAW SATIRE: Thrown Under the Bus

NXT RECAP: Like a Cow Chewing its Own Cud...

RAW RECAP: Sweet Sweet Vengeance

RAW SATIRE: Jersey Wisdom?

NXT RECAP: The Case for William Regal

RAW RECAP: Miz = Winning

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Who Won NXT, Again?

RAW SATIRE: G-Rilla is Here!

NXT RECAP: Is This Really Necessary?

RAW RECAP: The Soul Crushing Finale

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Christian to the Rescue (Again)

RAW SATIRE: Miz's Addition by Subtraction Theatre

NXT RECAP: Johnny Curtis?!? Really?!?

RAW RECAP: Phoning it In

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hasta la Vista, Vickie

RAW SATIRE: Scandal in the Tag Ranks

NXT RECAP: What the What?!?

RAW RECAP: Silence is Golden

OO: What I'll Remember About Chris Benoit

NEWS CENTRAL: All Updates About Benoit Tragedy

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.