Without any real good hype/build-up/expecations, I know WM22 in '06 still scratched me where I itch, but I'm pretty sure tonight still ended up being the most-Mania-y Mania in over half-a-decade: the hype and expecations were mighty, but then again, so were the goods.
 
Three matches delivered big time (one of them will be remembered not just at year-end-voting time, but for years to come), three others were more than tolerable. And really, only two outright antagonized me. I won't just take that. I'll call that a night well spent. Damned well spent.
 
You know what else is well spent? Your donation to keep OO up and running! If you like what we give you, drop as little as a few bucks (or as much as your fat cat lifestyle will allow) by visiting our PayPal page (they're our preferred processor, but all credit cards are accepted). How's that for a Cheap Plug?
 
Mick Foley would be so proud of me... maybe he'll be about a couple benjamins proud of me. The Rick kinda has a notion to go on a little vacation in May, give himself a long-desired birthday present you could say, and could use the green to make it work for the best~! The rest of you deadbeats can chip in, too. PAYPAL me, if for no other reason than I shell out for the PPVs you can't be bothered to buy... just do the math: if I cover $700 of WWE PPVs for you in a year, isn't that worth at least a five-spot?
 
End the begginnenenening... do what you feel is right by the Force, OO Nation. I shall respect your decision.
 
And here are your off-the-cuff results and observations from the just-completed WrestleMania 26 pay-per-view:

• Opening Festivities: it's a cold open to the arena/stadium. It's big, the roof is open, and the stage area looks sweet. It's about 14 Trons stacked in a "Step Pyramid" formation to create a 3-D effect (bigger screens on bottom, smaller screens on top, with one big screen out in front). Foursided above-the-ring screens, too, for the benefit of those in the Uecker seats. Then they shot it directly to the singing of "America the Beautiful," as done by American Idol Winner Fantasia. Christ almighty was she ever pitchy, dawg. And showboat-y, too. Vocal runs are unbecoming when you hit them; they are throat-punch-worthy when you miss. Where is Lilian Garcia when I need her? Then one long video package that's all classy and history-y, then a shorter graphic/bumper thing set to the AudioSlave song, and it's time to just head to our first match...
   
  
• Big Show/Miz defeat John Morrison/R-Truth to retain the Unified Tag Titles. Truth gets an extended rapping entrance, and Morrison his own entrance (which is truncated by our first view of the Cole/Lawler/Striker announce team). ShowMiz enter together (accompanied by a visit to the Spanish Announce Table and Cole's checklist of eleventy billion countries currently watching WM).
   
  Fast start for the good guys (cool double team move: dual legdrops, Johnny flippy from a standing position, Truth from the top rope), but Show slows things down. We appear to be settling in for a Face in Peril beatdown when John misses the USS Pain and Truth simultaneously misses a plancha, but instead, John becomes the Face Who Got Pinned. I'm serious: I thought were were in for 10 more minutes, then Show blind-tagged himself in while Miz was running the ropes, Morrison went for a springboard, Show KO Punched Morrison (as is his wont), and pinned Johnny. I'm saying 4 minutes, tops. Not even the "free TV match" we'd speculated about here in our previews. Still: Morrison/Truth was such a lame slap-dash tag team that I got no problem with ShowMiz looking strong in a quick-paced opener...
   
  
• Video Package: WrestleMania is a week-long event. They brought cameras. I wasn't there, so what do I care?
   
  
• Randy Orton won a Triple Threat Match over Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. Junior DiBiase enters first in UD Blue; Rhodes enters second in FABULOUS~! orange-and-white; Orton enters last in black (because he's the babyface~!). No reaction for the first two, mild cheers for the last one. A reaction Orton kills by moving in slo-mo and going for the Garvin Stomp all of 30 seconds into the match. Pure piss-break materail until 4-5 mintues in when Cody turns on Ted, and tosses him out of the ring. OMG Drama? Cody gets the better of Orton, then Junior rejoins the fight, and Randall powders out while it's Rhodes vs. DiBiase for 2 minutes of apathy. Orton spends that time recovering, however, and decides to re-introduce himself to the match at a blindingly-fast 33%-of-normal-human-full-speed. You can tell it's WrestleMania when Orton is trying twice as hard!
   
  The three-way brawling ends with Dibiase trying to hit Orton with a plancha, but Orton moves, and Ted takes out Rhodes. Orton gets his wits about him, and then drags both back up onto the apron to hit a DOUBLE HANGMAN DDT~! The crowd liked that, and even I admit it's roughly the first cool thing Orton's done since the last time he fought Taker... DiBiase falls out of the ring, so Orton starts STALKING~! his prey... then stops, and gets a dumber-than-usual look in his man-bimbo eyes. He will NOT stalk and RKO Rhodes. He will step back and deliver an even less-convincing move! The Bootie Kick of Doom~! Rhodes is out, DiBiase tries to pick that moment to attack Orton from behind, but instead eats an RKO out of nowhere.  Randy wins. Roughly 8-10 minutes of mediocrity, which of couse, the announcers over-sold as greatness (complete with insulting levels of pretending Orton's Bootie-Kick is deadly). Double Hangman DDT = Good. Even I admit that. If you liked anything else about this match, however, you have no standards.
   
  
• Backstage: Josh Mathews gives us the hard sell on a superstar who is putting their reputation and career on the line tonight... and then intro's Vickie Guerrero instead. She's with her heel team, and promises that her first WM will be the Best WM Moment EVAR~! Then Jillian Hall shows up and starts singing "Simply the Best." Then the heel diva team all leave. Then Santino Marello shows up and does a loud coughing noise to draw attention to himself and silence Jillian. Then Santino does an advertisement for Slim Jims: "Anything can happen when you bites into a Slims Jim!" So Santino snaps into one, and Jillian instantly transforms into Mae Young (in the same dress). Mae starts molesting Santino, so Santino snaps into it again. Now Mae turns into a very-disgruntled Mean Gene Okerlund (in the same dress). Heh. Santino wants to try one more time. Gene turns into Melina (in the same dress, and wearing it the best). Santino figures -- much as Homer Simpson did in the Wacky Toaster Episode -- "ehhhh, close enough" and leaves arm in arm with Melina. Slim Jims: THEY GET YOU LAID~!????! At the same time, PyroFalkon rushed to the nearest WalMart to buy every last Slims Jim in the place... harmless fun....
   
  And it just so happens that Slim Jims now mess with temporal causality JUST WHEN the Guest GMs from "Hot Tub Time Machine" come to RAW~! Or am I just making jokes/connections WAAAAYYYY over the Writer Monkeys' heads, now? GETS SOME SLIMS JIM IN THE HOT TUB, YOU STUPID MONKEYS~! Also: Gail Kim should be moist, too.
   
  
• Jack Swagger wins the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. Order of entrance was Kofi, MVP, Bourne, Swagger, Shelton, MHardy, Ziggler, McIntry, Kane, and Christian, if you care. I only mention it beacuse it's the best place to name all 10 guys even though not all 10 did anything worth mentioning in a recap of this spotfest....
   
  Put this on the list of "stuff to youtube" if you didn't see it, since I won't do it justice. I'll just say that the first "story" was Drew getting the piss kicked out of him because "everybody hated him" since he didn't legitimately qualify (but was rather Vince's "chosen one"), so he powdered out after 1 minute... then the next cool thing was Kofi building a Ladder Ramp up to a turnbuckle and using said ramp to mount-and-punch Kane, except Kane had other ideas, and powerbombed Kofi onto his ladder ramp... and then they had an extended multi-spot 3-minute sequence where they created a cool 3-ladder structure (for a while, Swagger was trapped inside of it, even) in the middle of the ring, which wasn't fully destroyed until MHardy was chokeslammed into one of the vertical ladders. Nice.
   
  All that led up to a spot where Kofi and Kane went back and forth again, and Kane "broke" a ladder (I'm assuming it was gimmicked), and then Kofi rallied and used the two halves of the ladder as stilts and tried to walk his way into the middle of the ring to grasp victory... no dice, because here after 10 minutes is DREW MCINTYRE. Oh lord, I had visions of him stealing the win here after doing ZERO in the match, just because somebody thinks that's what passes for "heel heat." But nope... Drew stops Kofi, then then powders out again. Whew.
   
  Now we have two ladders being set up, MHardy on one, Christian on the other. It's like WM2000 all over again~! Except: here's Kane, too, climbing up the other side of one of the ladders to put an end to that Happy Crappy. Hardy and Christian join forces long enough to send Kane flying. Then become enemies again long enough for Christian to hit a sort-of Unprettier off the top of the ladders onto Hardy. Then Christian goes back up again, and now it's up to Jack Swagger to stop him.... lots of jockeying and taking swipes at the MitB Case... and one of those swipes causes the case to bonk Christian in the noggin. He goes flying. Swagger gets a bit sloppy and takes his sweet time un-hooking the case, but does, and he's your winnner.
   
  Huh. A bit messy at the end, but a surprise winner. A PLEASANT surprise of a winner. And a really fun and creative spotfest leading up to it. Call it 15 minutes of sweetness.
   
  
• Hall of Fame: first a video package, and then the inductees getting intro'd up on the stage. Uecker was the most fun of the bunch last night, if you ask me. And as much as I like to "honor the past," dragging Gorgeous George's semi-conscious widow out there was just.... uncomfortable...
   
  
• Video Package: Sheamus and Triple H. Not much to work with there, but at least they worked with Sheamus' cool little show-stealing promo from two weeks ago, for the most part.
   
  
• Triple H beat Sheamus. Sheamus tries to rock star it to start, acting unimpressed by HHH. But then Hunter bitchslaps him and goes for a Pedigree inside of 30 seconds. I guess Trips *is* trying to re-live WM12, just in reverse! Sheamus manages to escape, and re-evaluates things. He gets a look of respectful determination on his face, instead of the cocky swagger, and rejoins the fight. HHH still in control (even with a Figure 4, which gets "whoooos" from the crowd and an acknowledgement of Flair frome Cole) for a while... that turns on a dime when Sheamus whips HHH into the steel ringsteps.
   
  The heel beatdown is nominally focused on HHH's "injured" leg, but is also pretty punchy-kicky once you factor in Hunter's non-dynamic hope spots. A HHH rally finally begins after a DDT (both men down, both men back up, and the fight is on), though that's followed by a spot where you clearly hear somebody call "Facebuster, OK?" which is then followed 4 seconds later by HHH hitting a facebuster. Whoops.
   
  HHH tries a mount-and-punch in the corner, which Sheamus tries to turn into a a top-rope Razor's Edge. No dice. Reversal into a Pedigree attempt. Re-reveersal into the Big Boot/Mafia Kick. Trips kicks out at 2.9999... another Razor's Edge attempt, another reversal, this time into a spinebuster... both men down... Sheamus rests in the ropes, and HHH tries to pull him off, but Sheamus uses that as a way to catch HHH off-balance and land another Big Boot... Sheamus senses victory now, and HHH is dead. Or is he? As Sheamus tries to lift HHH's dead weight up for one last Razor's Edge/Celtic Cross, HHH springs to life. POSSUM LIKE~! Boot the gut. Pedigree. Done. HHH wins. POSSUM > VIPER~!
   
  Somewhere around 10-12 minutes, and better than I'd have guessed if you told me it was going that long. But still: not great, and they attempted to tell the post-match story of "Sheamus won by losing" (since his battle was so valiant). No Sale. Austin-at-WM-13, Sheamus ain't. He lost by losing, and has a shit-ton of work to do before getting a REAL breatkthough moment. But if this is the work he's capable of? Maybe he'll get there. Maybe..
   
  
• Video Package: CM Punk is a jerkface, and Rey Mysterio is his bitch.
   
  
• Rey Mysterio beat CM Punk via pinfall. Before we even get started, Punk demands that you CUT THE MUSIC (somebody pay Rick Rude his Royalties~!)... so he can serenade himself down to the ring with his own sweet, sweet, asshole stylings. Basically: anybody who thinks Rey can win tonight is hopped up on hallucinagenic drugs, and Punk will save us with his Straight Edge Preaching. He'll save us all. Including Rey. [Also: Serena. Faded jeans and a leather jacket have never looked so good on a girl who could -- conceivably, if she's an irresonsible groomer -- have more hair on her below the eyebrows than above. I don't like bald chicks, I SWEAR. I just really like that last two that have been in WWE. Is that so wrong? The look in Serena's eyes tell me that no, there is nothing wrong with that. She is, in fact, three steps ahead of me in her dirty, filthy mind. I think THAT is what I like best.]
   
  Rey enters (I'm assuming he's trying to go "Avatar"-style with that get-up, in keeping with his other past WM costumes? pretty lame, ReyRey; I can't wait for 10 years from now when I still haven't seen that dorkfest of a movie, just like I still haven't seen "Titanic"), and Punk promptly beats the crap out of him, going to work on the SURGICALLY REPAIRED~! knee... big heat to start, but with a very vocal minority cheering for Punk... this becomes amplifed as the match goes along and Punk is ass-kickingly awesome, and Rey is just a textbook, whitebread, underdog babyface... Rey's first real rally (not just a hope spot) ends with him setting up for a (619) and getting booed for it, then "paying tribute" to Eddie with an attempted Frog Splash and getting booed for that, too... both moves missed, BTW... poor Rey... he doesn't really deserve this, but the way WWE books him, I know why he gets it...
   
  Then, after about 8 minutes, the Straight Edge Society finally get involved, and remind the kiddies and fringe fans that CM Punk is EVIL~!... Serena blocks a (619), then Luke Gallows ries to interfere... "BOOOOOO~!," the crowd suddenly remembers to say.  Rey drop-toe-holds Punk into Luke's crotch ("gut"), forcing Luke out of the ring, and leaving Punk in perfect (619) position. So rey hits it, follows up with a springboard splash, and that is all she wrote. It was 7 minutes of domination by Punk followed up by 1 minute of Rey coming back and scoring the win.... again I say: Rey doesn't deserve this, the people who book it do, since if you make this more of a 15-20 mintue match and REALLY tell the story, then they'll feel for Rey. As it is? Condensing it like this and having Rey win seemingly out of nowhere and with insufficient build-up is doing no one any favors...  still: pretty f'n good, but unconscienably short, I'd say.
   
  
• Video Package: all things Bret and Vince. My second favorite of the hype packages, and I even correctly guessed that some douchnozzle would see fit to pretend like that "Vince reflected in Bret's glasses" camera shot was High Art, instead of pointless fluffery... good on me for knowing that WWE actually prizes that stupid crap, while ignoring the estimated 13,277 more important things they SHOULD be doing.
   
  
• Bret Hart beat Vince McMahon in a No Holds Barred Match. Bret out first to a nice ovation, and thankfully: knows enough not to try too hard. Just jean shorts, a t-shirt, and a leather jacket for Bret; no rasslin' tights. Then Vince hits the ring (in action slacks and a black wife-beater sweatshirt; btw, have I ever mentioned that I REALLY wanted to name my last band "Action Slacks," but got voted down? seriously, what's up with that? how is "Dirty Bombs" better? we compromised and became "The Big Hooks," if you care)... and since neither of these two broken-down geriactrics can actually wrestle, Vince wants to start killing time by talking.
   
  He declares that he was in awe the night before when the always-dysfunctional Hart Clan settled their differences long enough to enshrine Stu Hart into the Hall of Fame... but he knew it was all a charade... you see, Vince is upset that he only screwed Bret at Survivor Series. He never got to administer the WrestleMania-sized Screwing he always wanted to. But tonight: SCREWING ON~! Vince says he's got himself a whole slew of hired Lumberjacks for this match, and even a special ref, and he wants us to meet them all right now...
   
  And down the ramp comes the entire extended Hart Family, led by current SD stars the Hart Dynasty, but including countless neices, nephews, cousins, and in-laws (no Jim Neidhart, tho). Bret's older brother Bruce even hops in the ring and takes off his jacket, revealing a Referee Shirt. Bruce hugs Vince. Vince is happy.
   
  Then Bret gets a mic. "Man, if I know my family, these money-grubbing bastards all insisted on getting paid up-front, and those checks are all cashed by now." Vince says "Yep, I bought 'em, those greedy, selfish Harts." The the Harts family all say "Yep, we're paid, Uncle Bret." So Bret reveals that he knew about Vince's scheme, he set it up to have his family go along with it, so they'd all get paid, but in reality: they're on the same page and here to screw Vince. Bruce now hugs Bret, and BRET is happy, and Bruce rings da bell~!
   
  Bret wastes no time just tossing Vince out to ringside, so Bret can do what he does best (not falling down when proximate to inanimate objects). That allows the still-motile Hart Dynasty (including Nattie, who lands some tasty blows) to beat the piss out of Vince. It all leads up to a cool-ass spot where Davey Smith and Tyson Kidd re-invent the Hart Attack Clothesline, with Smith elevating Vince down on the floor, while Kidd delivers the hooking clothesline from the TOP ROPE. Sweet.
   
  Vicne tossed back in the ring. Bret still not ready to expend his precious reserves of physical ability, so he tosses Vince out again, and others get in on the fun of just slapping Vince around. In the melee, Vince tries to hide under the ring, and comes out weilding a wrench.... but Bret comes out and assures his frightened family that all is OK, and tossed Vince into the ring (Bruce grabs the wrench, and then hands it to Bret). The wrench assualt lasts about 2 minutes, and then Bret has a notion to cinch in the Sharpshooter. The crowd wanty. Me too.
   
  But Bret knows he's only worked 6 minutes so far (if you count pre-match promo work, and the effort expended by the Dynasty), so he has to milk it. So instead of locking in the Sharpshooter, he asks Davey to give him the wrench back, and does some more work with that. 
   
  Then he teases the Sharpshooter again, but still feels guilty about getting paid THAT much for doing so little, so milks it again. This time, he goes for the 'Shooter, but kicks Vince in the balls ("gut") instead. He does that about 4 more times, to boot.
   
  Then Bret is winded, and must sit down. Hey, it's OK, you've had a stroke, Old Man. His other brother, Keith, gets him a steel chair, and Bret has a seat, while Vince writhes and struggles to get to his feet. Once Vince does, Bret takes said steel chair and whaps Vince with it across the back. The crowd: "One more time, one more time." Oh, OK. One more time. And then about a dozen more. Striker on commentary: "Man alive, what is this? 13 chairshots for 13 years of repressed frustrations?"... I think it ended up being more like 25, though. And some of 'em were, uhh, kinda rude. Not that I was sympathetic for even one second, cuz I wasn't...
   
  After that beatdown, Bret resumes teasing the Sharpshooter, and this time: he gives it to us... Vince taps instantly, but Bret holds it for a good extra 30 seconds (hey, it's a No Holds Barred match, and his BROTHER was the ref), for good measure... then the celebration beings, with Bret LITERALLY walking all over Vince to go back and forth to celebrate on the four turnbuckles. Then he invites the family into the ring, and for as shitty a "wrestling match" as that was (and honestly, for as shitty a "sports entertainment segment" as it was) that is still 15 minutes well-spent because there's a part of me that's wanted to see Vince in a Sharpshooter for over a decade, now. Now *I'm* happy. So happy.
   
  
• Announcements: first, a quick video "revealing" that WrestleMania 27 is in Atlanta next year. Wow, shocking news, if only I hadn't reported it 2 months ago. Word of warning: expect it to be the "WCW WrestleMania" where guys like Sting get into the Hall of Fame and Goldberg might be back to have a farewell match. I am not kidding. WWE wants Sting, and Goldberg's now openly tweeting about wanting to be back in WWE for a limited role to show his young son what he used to do for a living... yikes. Also: they announced WM26's attendance as 72,219 right after that. That's a lot of cabbage.
   
  
• Video Package: Edge and Chris Jericho. Tag team dominance to fluke injury to Jericho's prickishness to Edge's comeback to tonight. Delightful.
   
  
• Chris Jericho defeats Edge via pinfall to retain the World Heavyweight Title. "Boxing" style intros for the first title match, and then Jericho controls for the start, but at a pace that's suggestive of a longer, slow-building match. A lot of attention is given to Edge's SURGICALLY REPAIRED~! achilles' tendon, and whether or not he rushed back too soon, which is why Jericho is in control... nice touch...
   
  Pace picks up at about 4 minutes in with Edge's first rally... he knocks Jericho off the apron and into the announce table (head-first glancing blow), then gets Jericho onto the top rope for some jockeying that ends with Edge hitting a Top rope Michinoku Driver (I know that has a different, Edge-centric name, but I'm blanking right now, and my name is just as valid as a description). Nice. Tries to follow that with a Steamboat-esque top rope cross body, but Jericho rolls through to attempt the Walls, which Edge easily re-counters. Now Edge back up top again (not bad for an "injured" guy) and hits an atomic sunset flip, which leads to a near-fall, then a roll over for a Jericho near-fall, and then they lather, rinse, and repeat until there have been 6 tasty 2 counts. Then Jericho breaks the chain wrestling to kick Edge in the face. DICK~!
   
  Jericho on a bit of offense, leads to an attmepted Codebreaker, but Edge tosses him into the turnbuckle. Edge tries a Spear, but Jericho dodges to the side and turns it into a leg lock which turns into a Walls attempt, which turns into a small package by Edge. Kick out by Jericho, but inverted skull buster by Edge, then another kick out by Jericho. Crowd is now FULLY VESTED~! after being slow to warm... more back and forth leads to an Impaler DDT by Edge. But another kick out (Crowd determines this is Canada-worthy by busting out the "TWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howl for each near fall right around here). Jericho seems to have leveled the playing field after hitting a top rope dive-bomb forearm shiver on Edge's neck, but when that only gets a TWWOOOOOO, Jericho gets cocky, and sets up to hit Edge with his own Spear.
   
  Edge counters that with a big boot, and tries for a quick Spear of his own, only to spring face-first into a Codebreaker. Only a TWWWOOOOOOO. Jericho follows up with the Walls, but Edge gets a rope break... Edge tries to rally, but Jericho chickenshits his way into the ropes, and as Edge is trying to pull him out, Edge inadvertantly elbows the ref... with the ref down (and Edge checking on him like a good li'l babyface), Jericho grabs his title belt, gets in the ring, and whaps Edge with it. Jericho hides the evidence, and covers. The ref goes all Drama-y on us for a slow count, and EDGE KICKS OUT AT 2.... but then Jericho's just all "screw this noise" and hits a Codebreaker cleanly. Cover. Three count. Over. That was 20 fun minutes, kids. And I like Jericho retaining; then again, I thought Punk was too good at what HE does to job him, too, so what do I know?
   
  After the match: Jericho decided to make good on his promise of "bad things" happening to Edge by assaulting his wounded tendon.... but Edge rallied, and got Jericho on the defensive. Jericho eats some ringpost, and ends up splayed on the announce table.... Edge clears the runway, and gets a running start from the SPANISH announce table, and Spears the bejeezus out of Jericho, which ended with Jericho penetrating the ringside barricade with his skull and looking quite ouchy. Hmmmm.... a crazy highspot finish in favor of the face, after a disappointing heel win, and just in time for the PPV called "Extreme Rules"? How can this NOT end well for us, kiddies? Gimme a rematch and a new stip and 4 weeks of Jericho and Edge being awesome on Fridays, and I. Am. There. Play Edge's music, because he LOST~!
   
  
• Earlier Tonight: there was a dark match, a 26-man Battle Royale in honor of WM 26, to be specific. Yoshi Tatsu won. Pretend like you care.
   
  
• Heel Divas beat Face Divas. I think the real teams were McCool/Maryse/Vickie/Layla/Alicia vs. Phoenix/Mickie/Gail/Kelly/Eve, if you really care that much. Which you don't.
   
  Instantly breaks down into a Pier 10 Brawl, with everybody hitting finishers until only Beth Phoenix is left. She smirks and wants to do horrible things to Vickie Guerrero. McCool makes the save, and Beth has to tag in Kelly. The heels quickly decimate Kelly, and allow Vickie to score the pin after a Frog Splash.... ahemmmmm: "Hog Splash." Really? Even in victory, the widow of a good soldier must be humiliated? What are you, Vince, 12? Vickie "wins," and this was just not good. Counter-productive, even, which means it went out of its way to suck and do damage to the overall product. Mind bending. But short.
   
  
• Video Package: Cena and Batista. Yep, so Batista's a giant jerk. I knew that already. And yet: I kinda like him. Wonder if anybody else feels the same way?
   
  
• John Cena beat Batista via submission to win the WWE Title. Batista did a standard entrance, but Cena... oh christ, Cena... have you ever wondered what would happen if you introduced musical theatre mincery to Montana-based survivalist weirdos? No? Me either. But we still found out tonight. A bunch of dudes in faux military uniforms came out and twirled big manly guns, and then Cena hit the stage and ripped off an EXTRA-CRIPSY salute to his Chain Gang Army. The musical theatre Navy Boyz left, and, somewhere, even the new uber-patriot Kurt Angle was embarrassed for JonJon. As if the previous Body Of Work didn't cinch it, THIS sealed the deal... nobody over the age of 14 was cheering for John Cena in Arizona tonight. Oy.
   
  Boxing entrances again; heavy boos (with high pitched SQUEEEEES) for Cena, and a flat 50/50 split for Batista. Seems like another slow-paced/long-match dealy out of the gate, but then out of nowhere, Cena goes for an FU and Batista just worms out and turns it into a DDT. A RUDE~! DDT. I mean, just nasty. Both the ref and Cena acted weird at first, too, so I thought the worst: they botched it and Cena's really hurt (Cena does have for-real upper-back issues, too).... but they milked that awkwardness (the announcers even turned it into part of the "Story of the Match") for a bit, and then Cena powered out of a sleeper like nothing was wrong, so.... probably worried about nothing, there. Hopefully (Cena did keep shaking out his extremities, which is something *I* do cuz of my Judas Spine, which isn't fake... but maybe he was Just Acting).
   
  Cena's comeback includes the Wacky Tackle, then the Wacky Slam, and LOTS of Wacky Boos.... goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Batista springs up and turns that into a spinebuster.... goes for BatistaBomb, Cena worms out and turns it into the SSTF... Batista to the ropes quickly... ref breaks it, and Cena walks away, turning his back to Batista... Batista with the SPEAR... Batista tries to follow up with a superplex.... Cena powers him off and hits a Top Rope Five Knuckle Shuffle.... Cena tries another FU, but Batista uses the ropes to pull himself free and hit a BatistaBomb... but Cena kicks out at 2... Batista freaking out, and the crowd finally overcomes the Vocal Minority to give us the first real pro-Cena cheers of the night~!
   
  Both men down after that, then both up for a KILLER spot.... Batista tries for BBomb... Cena worms out into an FU attempt.... Batista into a powerslam attempt... Cena into a tombstone attempt.... Batista into a spinebuster attempt, and then FINALLY (after 7 reversals where one guy was always off his feet and on the shoulder of the other guy), Cena hits the FU... BUT ONLY FOR A 2 COUNT~!
   
  Cena is frustrated, and decides he needs Rare Tricks to win. He goes up top and tries a cross body. Batista plucks him out of the air and Spears him... Batista tries to follow that up with a BBomb, but Cena weasels out and manages to lock in the SSTF. Batista taps fairly quickly at the 15 minute mark. Cena celebrates his title win. If my eyes don't deceive me, he even "celebrated" with an entire conclave of dudes wearing "I Hate Cena" shirts, and THEY were loving it as much as JonJon... oh, you silly marks~!
   
  Huh. Pretty fricking good, to be honest. Not great, but pretty good. They got the most out of what they have to offer, and THAT is what I appreciate. WWE will go and oversell that to insulting degrees, I'm sure, but whatever: you trust ME, right? Not THEM? BTW, if Cena wasn't actually knocked loopy in that opening spot, then kudos to him and WWE for scripting that spot so that a pussy-ass 15 minute match could -- retroactively -- be presented as a 40-minute war of attrition in video packages. That's dishonest. But crafty. And also: it was pretty much a ton of fun.
   
  
• Hype: the next PPV is in 4 weeks and is "Extreme Rules." I'm already banking on Edge/Jericho in Last Man Standing (or something like that) to wet my man-panties, after their match tonight. I'm against this least-common-denominator marketing strategy by WWE to brand every PPV with a titular gimmick, but in this case? Removing "Backlash" and pushing "Extreme Rules" up to the post-Mania PPV works.... it's a chance to re-do a few matches and tie up a few loose ends from Mania with better, more exciting stips, instead of having those WM rematches seem like whimpers, rather than bangs.
   
  
• Video Package: Shawn Michaels and Undertaker. It's only my third-favorite of the packages they made for these two, and it STILL owned.
   
  
• Undertaker beat Shawn Michaels via pinfall to force HBK into retirement. Shawn enters first, to a fairly standard presentation of pyro and posing... Taker second, rising up from the depths of hell (or, the Depths of the Steel Stage), and with a slightly new look... no leather duster and hat... it's a new jacket-y/robe thing with a hood... very Grim Reaper... and if you're paying attention to what's about to die here tonight, THAT is a nice stupid pointless touch. Both in the ring, death-stares at each other.... Shawn nuts up and gives the "throat-cut" gesture to Taker, and Taker's all "Oh no you didn't," and WE'RE ON~!
   
  Taker on fire to start, including hitting Snake Eyes and Old School inside of 30 seconds, leading the announcers to suggest that Michaels was already as good as dead... my bigger concern: Taker landed weird on Old School, and started favoring his knee... but just as with Cena's "rude DDT," Taker seemed to be OK soon there after and they were purposely working it into the storyline of the match. Whew. I hope.
   
  After the hot start by Taker and the knee-related attack by Shawn (neither lasted more than 2 minutes), it was back to back-n-forhty... Taker gets the edge, but decides to try his crazy-brave no-hands-planch from last year... Michaels has it scouted, and baseball slides into the ring to clip Taker's ankle as he's running up... Taker counters by setting up (and HITTING) another big spot: his ring apron leg-drop ("VINTAGE LEGDROP~!" says Cole, who saved it up until just now), but that hurts Taker, too.... back in the ring, Shawn gets him an ankle and locks in the Figure Four (more WHOOOOOs, more acknowledgement of Flair).
   
  More back-and-forth, and even though it's only 10 minutes in, Shawn figures he might as well try to duplicate Taker's "go for big moves early" thing, and does the Flying Burrito and Kip Up... and then tries for the Inverted Atomic, but gets CHOKESLAMMED~! instead.... kick out at 2, whew... Taker feeling it, and goes for the Tombstone, but Shawn worms out and slides down the back and cinches in an Ankle Lock (NO acknowledgement for YOU, Kurt Angle)... Taker tries for the ropes, but Shawn yanks back AND grapevines the leg so that Taker's "bad knee" is under assualt as welll... tasty....
   
  Taker finally gets flipped onto his back and boots Shawn (MIGHTILY~!) all the way out of the ring. Brawl at ringside, and Shawn decides to try an Asai Moonsault, but Taker plucks him RIGHT OUT OF MIDAIR and Tombstones him. The exact finish of last year's Mania. Except out on the floor, and 15 minutes into a match that AIN'T DONE YET. Relish it, my friends. Taker is hurt bad enough that he can't immediately follow up, and trainers start tending to Michaels.... but Taker eventually does get to his feet and tosses HBK back in the ring.... tries a cover... only 2. Whew.
   
  Next trick: the last ride powerbomb.... but Taker's knee buckled, and Shawn turned it into a quasi-facebuster... only a 2 count... decides to resume his Five Moves of Doom by going for a Macho Man Elbow, but as Shawn flies off the top rope, Taker lifts a boot (his INJURED leg) and Shawn eats it... takes a bit out of Taker, too, though... both men down, double count, both men up, and Hell's Gate by Taker, which Shawn IMMEDIATELY flips through to create a pinning combo, and Taker has to break the hold.... crowd had been on pins-and-needles the whole match, but in a Japanese-esque/super-attentive way... now: they're just popping like corks out of New York Yankees' champagne bottles for every fricking move and counter.... awesome...
   
  Shawn tries a superkick, but Taker grabs him by the throat and even looks him dead in the eye with an Eastwood-esque shake of the head.... hits the emphatic Last Ride... but ONLY FOR TWO~!!!!!.... crowd is all "HBK, HBK, HBK," but it's not like they're booing Taker, they're just loving it. [Cole sez: "Nobody wants this to end, but eventually SOMEthing will have to give." And I am going to assume that Jim Ross was the Voice in His Headset on that line. Until somebody tells me different, that is my story.]
   
  Fight falls out of the ring again (remember: pinfall or submission only)... Taker getting the better of it AND starts deconstructing the announce table... now he grabs Shawn by the throat again, and this time, the Meaningful Eye Contact is joined by Smacktalk right to HBK's face.... the Last Ride is attempted again, but Shawn leapfrogs over Taker, lands on his feet and hits Sweet Chin Music on the return path~! Now TAKER is sprawled on the announce table...
   
  Shawn sees it, and knows what he has to do. He gets up on the apron. Sizes it up. Nope, not yet. Decides to go all the way up to the top rope and then MOONSAULTS OFF, ACROSS THE 10 FOOT ABYSS, AND THROUGH TAKER AND THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. Arizon: "Holy shit!" (Cole: "Oh my god." Joey Styles: "Where's my check? Or am *I* the voice in Cole's headset, tonight?"). To be honest in a "wanker" sense, Shawn missed low, and hit Taker's thighs.... in a "I'm suspending disbelief" sense, Shawn hit Taker's already ruined legs with the most awesome move of the match. Who f'n cares, wankers? Shut up and love it~!
   
  This takes a lot out of Shawn, too, so when Taker starts to CRAWL AWAY, he can't stop it at first, but he does eventually corral Taker back into the ring. It is here where the Arizona Wankers fire up the first "This is Awesome *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*" chant. And for once in my cynical life: a crowd chanting that is right. HBK is feeling it and tries Chin Music again... gets a chokeslam, instead... but Taker is REALLY selling an inability to stand up, too... so no follow-up... Shawn beats him to a standing position, but Taker still manages to out-jockey him and land a Tombstone... KICK OUT AT TWOOOOOOOOOOO~! Taker is as close to losing his mind as we've ever seen, and the crowd is loving it.... "HBK, HBK, HBK" chants are at war with the "This is Awesome" ones....
   
  Taker decides NOW is when we go to school, and BRINGS THE STRAPS DOWN.... "BOOOOOOOOOOOO" says Arizona.... as Taker stands over Shawn's still-prone, post-tombstone body, Taker begins to do the throat-cut gesture.... but then gets a look in his eye... Shawn may get beat tonight, but he doesn't have to be humiliated along the way.... Taker stops the taunting gesture, and crouches down: "Dude, just stay down. You're beat. Don't make me do this." Shawn responds by using Taker's own belt to drag himself to his feet....
   
  And then he BITCHSLAPS the Undertaker. And then SHAWN does the throat-cut... and then the fight is totally on..... whooops, nope: Taker doesn't suffer that weak shit kindly, HBK. Have a Tombstone, Shawn. And have a nice life. 18-0. And the Heartbreak Kid is retired.
   
  Just. Freaking. Awesome. Not the same as last year. But just as good by making use of different tricks. It was almost unreasonabe to expect them to match last year (much less top it), but damn if they didn't give it the ol' college try. A full 25 minutes, and the last 10 were just off-the-charts from where I sit.
   
  After: Taker takes a moment to celebrate... kneels, raises the "urn," all that, and gets some fireworks... not just in the stadium, but outside on the roof of the building, too.... big time, big time... Taker leaves the ring, but decides to come back...
   
  He reaches down, and lends a hand to Shawn. A manly Embrace of Respect, and all of a sudden, TAKER is the one who can't stand upright anymore, and stumbles to the ground and powders out gracefully... all while Shawn seems to be under his own power and able to fully enjoy This Moment.
   
  Arizona says, "Thank you, Shawn. Thank you, Shawn. Thank you, Shawn." I concur. Man alive do I ever f'n concur.
   
  Thank you, Shawn.
   
  To anybody, in any field, who has ever claimed to "go out on top" (or expressed a desire to do so), I say: SUCK ON THAT. Not that I really belive Shawn has "gone out," since this is, afterall, pro wrestling, but sweet fancy moses... how many people can say that the last time they did the thing they were put on this earth to do, they did it their very best?
   
  Off the top of my head, I can think of none. Strike that. After tonight, I can think of one: Shawn Michaels. At least, until he does it again. Which probably won't suck, either.
   
  Thank you, Shawn.
   
  Show fades to black as Shawn leaves the ring and hits one last HBK Biceps pose on the stage. No pyro. No "Sexy Boy." Just tons of respect.
   
  Thank you, Shawn.
   
  

I got nothing more to say, kids... if you saw it, I hope you enjoyed tonight as much as I did (kinda flabby in the opening 2 hours, I know, but it delivered on the good bits, and you canNOT complain about that ending), and if you didn't: well, you know how to operate the youtubes and infringe on WWE's copyrights.
 
I still say your desire to do so is THEIR fault, since if they built a suitable moustrap, you'd be buying it, so don't even feel guilty about stealing.... there's one match from tonight you GOTS to see, and a few others that wouldn't be wastes of time at all.
 
And of course, while you're stealing WWE's materials and using OO's free informational services, maybe you'll get religion for just one moment and PAYPAL ME~! Yeah. Cheap plugs rule... 
 
See you tomorrow with Monday War 2.0 stuff, folks...