Is scotch smooth? I always hear of people drinking that straight, just on the rocks. Never tried it before. The liquor store here in Xenia moved closer to my apartment, so I might run over there and grab a bottle. I’ve already spent some money on others for Christmas, so I figure I can buy myself a little Christmas present in preparation of the holidays just in a couple weeks.

In other news, I’ve started my 51st IGN strategy guide. As you know, I wrote the award-winning WWE SmackDown vs. RAW 2011 guide, which is of course the greatest strategy guide ever (EVER!!!) for a wrestling videogame. I’ve got a hold of Golden Sun: Dark Dawn for the DS, and I’m pretty happy so far. I know about Marth, Roy, and Ike from the Super Smash Bros. games, but I never played their source material. Now I’ve got a chance, so I’m keeping my eyes open for them to make cameos. No timeline on when I’ll have it done, but I’ve cleared my weekend from school and I’ll have a very light work week next week, so I should be able to get a bunch of work done.

In the meantime, let’s head to SmackDown, which will hopefully feature yours truly on camera at some point.

Dark Match [Singles Match]: Cody Rhodes defeats Some Guy by pin. Okay, normally I don’t do dark matches, since I don’t know who’s in them (they’re dark, after all). But now I had a chance, and believe it or not, I’m recapping this for a reason. Hell, the last time I went to SmackDown, the dark match was Hardcore Holly vs. Harley Kalou… and Harley Kalou wound up being Carlito, just without the apple. So who knows? Maybe I caught the first appearance of a guy who will make it someday.

Anyway, the reason I bring up this match is because it was exceptionally entertaining. Cody was his douchy self but seemed to have a little extra fire than usual in his TV matches. I really, really wish I remembered the name of the guy he fought… I wasn’t paying attention because I didn’t think I’d care, but he had medium black hair and a beard. He was billed from Dayton, but I know that all jobbers (especially in dark matches) are billed from Whatever City the Show is In, so I take that with a grain of salt.

Anyway, this guy was pretty damn good. He wasn’t in WWE’s big-man fetish mold, but he wasn’t as skinny as Cody either. He was just a lean dude, perhaps an inch shorter than Cody, but the guy could fly around the ring. He wasn’t quite to Kaval’s level, but I remember an old match I saw on YouTube that features Kaval (as Lo-Ki) vs. Raven in a WWE jobber match, and of course Kaval was at 70% of his ability at best for that one… but he still looked good.

Whoever this guy was, I’d like to see him get a shot. He might not have the instant unforgettable look of a star (no ink, no piercings, no weird hairstyle or anything), and of course we have no idea about his talking ability, but he’s got the in-ring ability to make it up. His kicks were solid, and he had a very “controlled frenzy” method to his madness that made Kofi the upper midcarder he is today.

Do you know who he was, Rick, with your insider sources? Editor’s note, please…? [Ed. Note: Hey, UD played on Tuesday night, so I was in Dayton's REAL arena being entertained, and clearly have no idea who the hell you're talking about. Or maybe I do, since it was a pretty big deal that former ROH Semistar and Beloved IndieWanker Sensation Tyler Black wrestled his first WWE match, and is who you are talking about. If memory serves, his WWE-given new name is "Seth Rollins."]

Segment 1: No entrance theme or pyro (which admittedly was disappointing), but Kane is out here to start. After getting in the ring and blowing his corner pyro, he immediately goes into prattling about begging Edge to bring back his dad.

Hilariously, something struck me while I was there. I will attest that for 99.99% of WWE, being there in person will trump watching it on TV. Even a mediocre episode of RAW or SmackDown will seem way better in person. However, when you start being over-dramatic and ridiculous—just like Kane was here—it completely destroys the suspension of disbelief and you start to feel like you’re watching the world’s worst stage show. Which, honestly, I guess you are.

Honestly, Kane’s opening promo where he’s begging Edge for his dad back just reminds of the “W.T.F.” episode of South Park, specifically this clip (starting at about 0:18). It’s actually less retarded on TV than in person, against all odds. Kane’s first line is “This has gone on way too long,” and I agree with you buddy, but for entirely different reasons.

I’ll spare you further details. Suffice to say, Edge pops up on the screen presently to respond. He’s in the bowels of the building with Paul Bearer, as usual, strapped to a wheelchair. To hype his and Kane’s upcoming TLC match, Edge wants to warm up with his chair swinging skills: “A little bit of batting practice, for lack of a better term.” After a couple teases, he smashes the chair into Paul’s back.

Kane is done talking, and instead gets out of the ring and hauls ass backstage. Paul Bearer is now on the ground, and Edge has his chair ready. He warns Kane not to take another step toward them… which he does, so Edge smashes Paul and leaves. Except it’s another dummy. And Kane helpfully tells us, “It’s another dummy,” before booting the now-unattached head. So very, very retarded.

Then Edge materializes nearby with the real Paul Bearer, cartoonishly (again) pumps his legs, and leaves with Kane in pursuit. Riveting.

Pre-Segment 2: You’re God damn right that’s me holding my “I paid to see Kaval” sign (and somehow looking really fucking bored) during Kaval’s entrance! Rocking my Steel City Mafia Steelers shirt, looking fine with my luxurious hair!

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Jack Swagger defeats Kaval by submission. Good match, and I would have loved to see this go on longer. The story here was that Kaval twisted his ankle early, so he was greatly slowed and lost most of his crazy offense. Jack meanwhile did tons of leg-related offense, but Kaval was still able to do enough to make a game of it.

Still, it wasn’t enough: after a wheel kick from the top rope and a failed pin, Kaval wanted to go to the top rope for a big move. However, his flat tire stopped him from climbing fast enough, and Swagger recovered enough to do a chop block to Kaval’s ankle, dropping him to the apron. Jack then pulled him in and locked in the ankle lock. Kaval tried to get out of it, but he couldn’t overcome Jack’s strength and tapped out.

Post-Segment 2: Now that Jack has won, he wants to talk some shit. He informs us that that is how domination is done. “When you absolutely need ‘results’ spelled out, it’s S-W-A-G-G-E-R.” Clearly, the Oklahoma University English department needs some modifications to the curriculum.

Jack goes on that now he needs results: he feels that Kofi Kingston shouldn’t be the #1 contender for the Intercontinental Title. Why? Well, we see from last week, when Jack was exiting the ring to attack Kofi, Kofi did one hell of a Trouble in Paradise while Jack was trying to get out through the ropes. As we cut to back to live, Jack goes on that it’s illegal for anyone to hit anyone else while the victim is holding the ropes; ergo, Kofi cheated, and should have been disqualified.

This is hilarious on several levels. It’s amusing that Jack should choose this (arbitrary) rule of pro wrestling to attack, and it’s certainly a pot and kettle situation at worst. But it’s also funny because Jack is pretentious enough to pull this train of thought off fantastically.

And you’re God damn right that’s me holding my “Go back to Oklahoma” sign and looking retarded while watching myself on the Titantron and screaming nonsensically at Jack! (I think I literally said “Go home, Jack, you asshole,” but I don’t remember; at least I was showing some emotion this time.) Wow, two TV shots in one segment! I’m honored!

Anyway, Jack says that it’s so totally wrong that he’s not involved in any Intercontinental Title match, and he’s hereby officially protesting last week’s match to WWE. That’s enough out of his wordhole, and he leaves to boos.

Pre-Segment 3: Rosa Mendes’s chest is fantastic. Just wanted to put that out there.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Hornswoggle (w/ Rosa Mendes) defeats the Swagger Soaring Eagle by pin. I may have paid to see Kaval, but I sure as hell felt like a refund after this one.

Fine, it’s a comedy match. But it’s a boring and shitty comedy match. I won’t get into the details here, other than admitting that the Eagle actually went for the Ballin’ Elbow. I guess this is supposed to be a dig at MVP for asking for (and getting) his release last week, which I didn’t even know happened until that night. (I made a sign for MVP and everything! Damnit!) So anyway, after the Eagle whiffed on the Ballin’ Elbow, Horny hit the Two-Star Frog Splash and made the pin, thankfully ending it. Cole’s commentary was horrendous, so I had some sort of advantage being there in person.

Segment 4: Teddy Long is in the back, and he’s chatting up Santino and Vladimir Kozlov. Santino is pleased that he can now hop brands since he’s got half the WWE Tag Titles. Santino says that Vlad—who is just staring off into space at attention—is totally psyched about it too. Vlad then absolutely deadpans: “More people for me to crush.” Nice!

T-Long admits that they have certainly paid their dues. Santino: “Oh, we’ve paid our dues… Time after time. We’ve done our sentences, but committed no crimes. And bad mistakes?” And bam, he starts to sing Queen’s famous song, altered slightly, with a spotlight shining down on him for no reason. And then, because Vlad is the greatest straightman in the history of WWE, while still standing at attention and staring off into space, pulls a lighter from out of his ass and waves it slowly in time and rhythm to Santino’s rendition of the song. The whole effect is absolutely fantastic: this is how you have a comedy character!

Anyway, Chavo Guerrero arrives and complains about the noise pollution. Santino says that obviously Chavo is here to get his picture taken with the NEW tag team champions… And Santino punctuates that by putting an arm around Vlad, who immediately and smoothly pops a shit-eating grin. Awesome!

Chavo says that he’s not here for a photo op, but rather to beat them. That erases Vlad’s smirk, and Chavo lays down an official challenge that he’ll find a partner and beat the champs tonight. In fact, Chavo says: “We will… we will rock you, *stomp stomp clap*.” Except everyone boos, T-Long rolls his eyes, and the faces just look confused.

Chavo isn’t happy that no one likes his choice of Queen songs, but Santino accepts the challenge anyway. He sings again with a particular stress, “No time for losers,” which pisses Chavo off enough to leave, “’cause we are the champions… of the tag-team world!”

And Vlad hits the best line of the segment by standing at attention, then transitioning to a wild-eyed goofy stare at T-Long as Vlad says “Holla holla!,” then transitioning back to being at attention again. Yes, people, that is how you do comedy in the wrestling world, not by feeding birdseed to a man in a fucking mascot costume.

Segment 5: After a hype video for Kofi, Todd Grisham interviews Dolph Ziggler in the back, who says that “Kofi is a life-long contender,” and that no matter how hard he tries, he’ll have nothing to show for it… apparently, he’s conveniently forgetting Kofi’s IC Title run earlier in his career, because fuck continuity. Or fuck Dolph’s intelligence. Or both.

Anyway, Dolph is vanilla and ends with, “After tonight, Kofi will still be just a contender.” All right, I suppose that’s passable. It’s good to end strong, I guess.

Segment 6 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Kofi Kingston defeats Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) by disqualification, but Dolph Ziggler retains. Overlong and not very exciting, but that wasn’t Kofi’s fault. Dolph, as I’m sure we all know at this point, has learned well from Randy Orton and thinks “exciting offense” equates to “chinlocks for half the match.” Ugh.

I mean, I get that Dolph needs chinlocks and headlocks and necklocks to set up his scissored sleeper finisher. The thing is, it’s not interesting to watch, mostly because Dolph holds chinlocks for entirely too long. I’ll concede that he didn’t keep them held quite as long on TV as he did in person, or else they cut some of it, but it was still too long either way. When Dolph does neckbreakers or other strikes first, it just seems better overall to me. If he did a bunch of neck strikes and neckbreakers and then went for chinlocks, I could stand it more. As is, it just seems too dull. It’s a shame, because I really want to like Dolph. I just… I just don’t. And his talking doesn’t save him, you know?

Anyway, despite the neck-related offense, Kofi started his hope spots and comebacks after the fourth or fifth necklock. Kofi hit a top rope flying crossbody, but couldn’t end it. After some back-and-forth, Dolph was able to lock in the sleeper, but Kofi fought it. Dolph shoved Kofi off, sending Kofi shoulder-first into the ring post. Dolph took a moment to recover (from what, I don’t know), then ran to follow up. Kofi recovered, pivoted, and struck with a perfect no-look Trouble in Paradise. He made the cover…

And Jack Swagger came down and pulled Kofi out of the ring. Hello DQ, goodbye title shot.

Jack immediately slapped on the ankle lock as he pulled Kofi out of the ring. Kofi grabbed onto the bottom rope and tried to fight out, but Jack was too strong. Jack gave one more yank, and Kofi’s hands slipped off the rope, making him nearly slam his head into the black padding at ringside. Jack held on anyway, holding the ankle lock for another good twenty seconds before letting go and retreating.

Segment 7: Edge is in the back, standing beside a wheelchair-bound probably-not Paul Bearer on a catwalk. He warns Kane, who is about ten feet below on another level, that this is the real deal and not come closer. Kane is conflicted but can’t help himself. So Edge shoves the wheelchair off the catwalk, crushing a table as it goes. Another dummy. Edge suddenly has the real Paul Bearer again up on the catwalk, makes some retarded comment, and runs away. Kane just screams in frustration about his lack of good storylines he’s allowed to be in.

Segment 8: Because WWE has granted me the privilege of two TV spots, it feels the need to offset that by shoving a Masterlock Challenge in my face.

I’m not recapping this shit in detail. The challenger is Cody Rhodes, who loses. The most offensive part of this segment is that I had to deal with my mom’s insistence that Chris F. Masters is extremely hot and she’d like to get a piece of him; I had the wisdom not to ask which piece.

I don’t know why my mom had to go and ruin SmackDown like that. I certainly never ogle the women or bring up details of their anatomy.

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov defeat Chavo Guerrero & Drew McIntyre by pin. Match was a little short but it worked for the guys involved. Good, solid match, despite being a pseudo-comedy match. Again: this is how it’s done, not with a retarded eagle and a midget.

Vlad vs. Drew was the draw here, with Vlad mostly getting the upper hand. It changed when Chavo hit a cheap shot, doing a reverse guillotine to Kozlov with the top rope. Drew and Chavo then worked together and were able to keep Vlad as the Face in Peril.

Hot tag to Santino, who cleared the ring and kept Drew contained with punches and a split dodge to a clothesline. However, when Santino went for his salute diving headbutt, Drew countered with a sick kick to Santino’s forehead. Drew was suitably pissed now, and held Santino up for the Future Shock DDT.

However, Drew was creeping to his own corner to pull the move off. Chavo plunged over the ropes and tagged himself in, climbed the turnbuckle, and ordered Drew to move. Drew was good and pissed, but went ahead and went to the apron. Chavo attempted the Frog Splash, but Santino dodged. He hit the Cobra (looking drunk in the process, so I’m going to go ahead and call this the “Drunken Cobra”), and made the pin. Drew didn’t bother to break it up.

After the match, Drew wanted to hit his Future Shock on someone, but the faces had already left. So clearly, he only had one remaining target: he blasted Chavo and left him sprawled out on the mat.

Pre-Segment 10: You’re God damn right that’s my “Where’s My Melina?” sign during Natalya’s entrance. Okay, so I didn’t get a personal zoom-in here, but at least the sign was clearly displayed during the camera sweep. My life is now practically complete.

Now that My Melina has witnessed in real-time my dignified (and so totally not horrendous) neckbeard and my soul-piercing eyes and a personalized-for-her sign, she of course cannot possibly resist anymore. Please send any obsolete panties to PyroFalkon, care of Online Onslaught. They preferably should be clean: I’m not a pervert, you know.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Natalya (w/ Beth Phoenix) defeats Layla (w/ Michelle McCool) by submission. Match was pretty short, too short really. Natalya introduced Beth as a bodyguard during her entrance—not literally introduced her as a bodyguard, but still—and thus evened the odds.

Early offense by Natalya, cut short when she kicked Michelle in the face for no reason. Michelle wanted to counter, but Beth approached and put an end to that shit. Layla tried to rally, but Natalya took control back and managed to almost apply a Sharpshooter. I say “almost” because Michelle grabbed Layla’s hand and tried to pull her toward the ropes. This hilariously did not result in a DQ even though the ref clearly saw it, but Beth came running up and straight up clotheslined Michelle’s head off. That gave Natalya all the time and room in the world to lock in the Sharpshooter properly, and that was that.

I held up my sign after this match and was later told that I had a cameraman on me (since the sign was fantastically relevant given the Monday night divas’ match), but I dropped it too quickly. That was my second of two regrets of the night (the first, of course, being the incredibly detailed monologue of what my mom wanted to do with Chris F. Masters’s abs and jean waistband).

Pre-Segment 11: The main event is Alberto Del Rio & Kane vs. Rey Mysterio & Edge, a match seemingly pulled out of someone’s ass. Edge’s entrance was absolutely fantastic: you don’t get how loud those fireworks are until you’re actually there. I felt the explosions in my chest, and it was awesome.

Anyway, after ADR hit the ring, Kane’s music played but there was no Big Red Machine. T-Long appeared instead, announced that ADR has apparently been hung out to dry, and that he’s going to have to go at this in a handicap match. Poor guy.

Segment 11 [1-on-2 Handicap Match, Tag Rules]: Rey Mysterio & Edge defeat Alberto Del Rio by pin. ADR basically spent the opening minutes getting his ass kicked, and then Kane finally arrived on the scene. Edge, who was the illegal man at the time, cut him off and ran back up the ramp, beckoning Kane to follow. Kane did so, since he has other pressing matters on his empty mind than this match. Because Edge was the illegal man, it doesn’t matter that he left, but it essentially turned the match into a singles match.

The match was good, solid even, and better on TV than it was in person. Rey was flying around, ADR was being all about power and stiff kicks, and it was back-and-forth and exciting the whole way. I enjoyed it.

Post-Segment 11: After the match, we see Edge in the back. A ladder sits near him, with a nonsensical platform at the top. We see the very bottom edge of the wheelchair up there as Edge says he hopes Paul isn’t afraid of heights.

Enter Kane, who starts to chase Edge away, but looks at the ladder. He says that it’s obviously a dummy and then starts to shove the ladder… but stops. Edge warns him not to do that, but Kane just says “whatever” (literally, which seems funny coming from him) and shoves the ladder. The platform gives and sends the wheelchair barreling over the edge of a long drop. We hear a crash, and then…

And then, uh, nothing, because the camera stays on Kane’s face for like thirty solid seconds. Obviously, we know where this is going. The camera tilts over the edge and we see the sprawled, unconscious body of Paul, who is magically not bleeding despite apparently falling three stories and crashing through several tables while being launched off a ladder and slamming into concrete.

The camera shifts to a conveniently placed cameraman at the foot of the carnage, and it shows us the height by showing Kane first before panning downward to Paul’s corpse. Poor guy: first he gets buried in cement, then dropped onto concrete from fifty feet up. He just can’t get a break… other than his bones.

The camera shifts back to the one on the upper deck, with Kane realizing what he just did. Edge shrugs and says “I told you not to do that,” and that’s where the show ends. Ugh.

Special one-time BONUS for OO readers… Live differences!: There wasn’t much different between the show as aired and live. Natalya’s celebration with Beth was cut off and they didn’t show replays, but so it goes. The ending was a little out of order though… The whole bit with Kane and Edge occurred during the match, when Rey was sent flying out of the ring. ADR delayed for several minutes as this whole angle played out. Also, the second camera guy—the one who was on the floor and doing the close-up of Paul—wasn’t there when we saw it on the Titantron.

There were two reasons for this, one obvious and one not. First, if they hadn’t done it during the match, no one would have been around to watch it. Everyone realized that this was the main event, so half the building left the instant the bell rang after Rey made the pin on ADR. By playing the angle while fans were still there, they could give the illusion that anyone gave half a shit about it.

The second, unobvious reason was because Rey stuck around after the show. After his match, he watched the highlight replays on the Titantron, then celebrated around the ring. Then he hopped out and, in a move that has officially endeared him to me forever, started signing autographs. Though half the building left, there was a mad rush to the front row as people realized what he was doing. He started at the northwest corner of ringside, then did a complete lap around ringside, up and both sides of the ramp, the south part of the stage, then the north part of the stage before going back to the locker room. He was at it so long that his theme looped a good five times, and by the time he was done (and Justin Roberts announced his thanks on behalf of WWE for everyone showing up), there were only like 50 people left in the arena. Rey prioritized signing stuff for kids and even took a few quick pictures with them too, giving many hugs and other such gestures. It was absolutely fantastic.

I’m on record as saying that Rey bores me, and I’m not exactly a fan of his, but I can separate the character from the “actor.” Rey doesn’t usually thrill me in the ring; tonight was an exception, and it’s not because I knew ahead of time what Rey was doing, but because he really does click with ADR. I’m never impressed with Rey’s speaking ability and his plucky underdog character grew stale to me years ago. This is all, of course, opinion, and should be taken as such.

But the guy is absolutely fantastic with the fans, and that’s no opinion, it’s an objective fact. The way he acknowledges kids especially who are wearing his merch, the way he made damn sure to sign anything from any child, the way he touches foreheads to everyone wearing a mask… it was absolutely great. I really don’t have adequate words to describe it.

I’ve heard John Cena is the same way, which is why I want to like him. I despise his character at this point, I despise that the Writer Monkeys fuck up his direction on a weekly basis, and I especially despise that Cena feels he needs to turn his intensity dial to a cartoonish level every fucking time he speaks. But the Cena the man, I’ve heard, is very good with the fans, has true respect for all the troops, is always willing to sign an autograph or get a picture taken to make a kid smile… his character might completely suck, but the guy’s heart is bigger than most people’s. I can respect that.

Same deal with Rey. I knew he was kind but I didn’t realize the extent of it until I saw it in person. Some of the stagehands were getting antsy, overtly getting annoyed that they couldn’t start tearing things down until Rey was done. But Rey didn’t give a fuck, and just wanted to make the kids happy they got to see him in person. You don’t see that from celebrities regardless of occupation; there is always this standoffishness about them, especially the ones who have been in it awhile. But Rey, who has been involved in pro wrestling, what, 20 years?, still takes the time to give his time and love to the people who elevated him to this level. Respect, man… total respect.

Final Thoughts: …But anyway, back to the show itself, since you came for the recap and not my inane blathering. The show was decent, but of course I’m biased, so I don’t know what exactly to make of it. Everything with Kane, Edge, and Paul Bearer is retarded as hell and needs to get off my TV pronto. Seriously Edge, you alleged Stupidity Sherriff, you: go Spear yourself.

The Masterlock Challenge and the Horny/Eagle match were idiotic as well, both completely useless. However, Jack/Kofi increased their feud. I’m sure it’s a setup for a triple threat match at TLC for Dolph’s IC title, and it’ll be fantastic if they get it off him and relegate him back down to lower midcarder where he belongs. Hell, a Kofi/Jack feud over the IC belt can only be good, and it might just put Kofi back on track to getting back into the main event… or, Jack and Kofi could both gain enough credibility to make a move to the main event. Jack’s been there, of course; Kofi almost was and simply was a victim to Randy Orton’s whining, so who knows what Kofi can do otherwise.

Santino/Vlad gain credibility, both in their roles and as legit champions. Neither guy will main event, but they have found a niche in roles that make them infinitely memorable no matter what they do. As long as they’re gold, they shouldn’t be changed: title or no title, the guys really know how to play off each other and make the crowd get behind them.

Meanwhile, Natalya’s feud with Laycool—and Beth’s feud with them too—deepens. They might be planting the seeds to turn My Melina heel (which would be tragic) or otherwise get her and Natalya playing on RAW while Beth plays with Laycool on SmackDown. Or maybe not. But either way, Beth, Natalya, Melina, and Layla are all ring-capable, and any combination of those four would result in some decent diva action. All in all, a solid episode, but not a must-watch.

Nearly five thousand words, and my grade is going to be biased, so it’s about time I shut the hell up and get to it. See you guys on Tuesday for the RAW recap… have a good weekend!

Episode Grade: B-